What the Hell?

Does anything about this article seem a little too familiar?
Like, coming three days after I wrote this?
Give me a break, Simmons.
And this coming from a national columnist who complains constantly about his work not getting the proper recognition.

Friday's Links - 7/29

Article 1 - I think there was a kid at my college who pulled this same stunt after a frat party. And I don't think he was smart enough to refer to it as "my glaucoma medicine."

Article 2 - Stories like these are why I filter my tapwater through a Brita.

Article 3 - Good riddance. Goodenow may not have been a complete enemy to the NHL players-- at least not in his head-- but he was certainly one to the fans. At one point he recommended taking 2 years off to show the owners how serious they were. I hate this guy.

Article 4 - But don't be surprised if they plastic-wrap the benches.

Article 5 - I'm glad the media isn't beating up on this kid too badly. Most coaches would be lucky to have a player with the kind of heart and emotion Wright showed.

Article 6 - "Coach says be more explosive off the line, maybe he'll get me into the 3-4 scheme. Oh, and he also says my Lotus needs work."

Book Review - Highly recommended reading, of which I was reminded by the new hockey season. It actually has very little at all to do with hockey, other than the fact that the guy occasionally played for a semi-professional team. It's a biography of Attila Ambrus titled, "The Ballad of the Whiskey Robber." Attila's a regular guy who took to robbing banks under the heavy influence of Johnny Walker, and yes, it's an entirely true story. Julian Rubinstein, the author, does a fantastic job of narrating what turns out to be an underdog story, mixing Ambrus's exciting journey with an overlying historical picture of the political and social turmoil encompassing Eastern Europe in the early 1990's. From modest roots, Ambrus is turned into a folk hero of sorts by his own people, a kind of Robin Hood for the Eastern bloc (with one major exception-- Mr. Hood gave back to the poor, while Mr. Ambrus just spent wildly).
It's an extremely compelling read, and gets my highest recommendation. You don't want to put this book down.

Bubble of Fame

I love sports debates.

It's easy to look up and down the MLB rosters and pick out a few sure-fire Hall of Famers-- Clemens, Maddux, Bonds, A-Rod, Randy, etc. But there's a few guys on the bubble who need some more help. With the induction of Ryne Sandberg this week, who played his entire career on the bubble, only to be knocked further off it by the juiced-ball era, I think these guys should get some air time. But like all bubbles, some slide one way, some the other. Feel free to leave as many comments as necessary.

Start the Bronzing Now
Andruw Jones
Going for him: Picture this fantasy scenario-- it's 2005, and you've got a time machine that will take you back 5 years, where you can pick one outfielder to be on your team for the next 10 years. So, for example, in 1995 you'd have taken Bonds or Griffey, and either pick would have been money (remember, Junior didn't hit the wall until 2000). In 2005, the consensus pick is Andruw Jones, and it's not even close. Speed and defense in centerfield with the power of a corner outfielder (and climbing). He'll breeze in after retirement. He's so far ahead of every other outfielder in the game, and he's only 28 years old (6 Gold Gloves and counting). By the way, this is also my argument for Griffey (he'll be in on the first ballot).
Could use: A World Series ring. A higher average couldn't hurt, but his power numbers should make up for that.

Derek Jeter
Going for him: 4 championships, enough highlights to fill a bank vault, 100+ runs scored in 9 of 10 seasons (I'm projecting 2005), ROY award, WS MVP, All-Star MVP, Mariah Carey...
Could use: A top-5 finish in the MVP race. Maybe two.

Manny Ramirez
Going for him: Fearsome hitter, RBI machine, high career avg, will have 600+ HRs when he retires, rose above hitters even in a juiced era.
Could use: Defense. But Paul Molitor cruised in as a DH, so Manny should as well. His negative rep shouldn't hurt him too much. It's not like he's Pete Rose.

Bagwell/Biggio
Going for them: Cool nickname (Killer B's), played all in one city, plenty of offense, plenty of defense, if one gets in the other's going to follow. Bigs will finish with 3K hits, Bags may get 500HRs (health is key). 1 MVP, 1 ROY and 5 Gold Gloves between them.
Could use: A freakin' playoff win here and there. This one will be close, but voters appreciate the hard work.

John Smoltz
Going for him: Reinvented himself twice. Dominant starter, then dominant closer (154 saves), then dominant starter again. A few more years of this should seal his envelope.
Could use: A new elbow. DL stints may hurt him with some voters.

Mariano Rivera
Going for him: His playoff experience blows his competition out of the water, which will put him in way ahead of "off-bubble" guys like Trevor Hoffman. Now that I think about it, Mo probably isn't even on the bubble, I don't know why I included him.
Could use: A mulligan on that one stinking pitch to Luis Gonzalez in 2001.

Not Without Full Admission Price
Frank Thomas
Going for him: A few MVP awards, decent career numbers.
Could use: The 500HR milestone. But even with that, his numbers aren't even up there with guys like Fred McGriff and Gary Sheffield. When the Big Hurt retires, voters will see his stats as a product of the era in which he played (and while we're here, Crime Dog and Sheff don't make it either).

Trevor Hoffman
Going for him: Roughly similar career numbers to Lee Smith.
Could use: Lee Smith's induction into the Hall. Sutter and Gossage are still ahead of him in line though.

Curt Shilling
Going for him: World Series heroics-- not once, but twice.
Could use: Better career stats. He's clutch, but wasn't dominating for long enough. Case study: Jack Morris.

Andy Pettitte
Going for him: Anchored 4 World Series pitching staffs, a few 20-win seasons, 149 wins by age 31, .647 career win percentage, never had a losing season. The guy simply wins ballgames.
Could use: Longevity. If he does this for 8 more years, he'll be in. But history tells us he won't.

Jeff Kent
Going for him: Career HR leader for 2nd basemen, MVP Award, mustache, Sandberg's induction
Could use: Sandberg won 9 gold gloves at his position. Jeff Kent? Zero. Kent would have to start getting better defensively even to have a prayer, and at his age, it's not happening.

Omar Vizquel
Going for him: 9 Gold Glove awards, Ozzie Smith's induction in 2002 (at the same position)
Could use: Offense. In a hitter's era, he sparkled defensively. His career numbers are pretty similar to the Wizard's with the bat, but relative to his peers, they sucked. Ozzie also won 4 more GG awards, an NLCS MVP award, and a World Series title early in his career-- something Vizquel hasn't done. Oh, plus Ozzie had the backflips. A tough call, but I don't think he gets in. (Author's note: He is, by the way, now the answer to a trivia question: Who was Greg Maddux's 3000th strikeout?)

Straight From the Podium

Below is the transcript from the press conference that was given at 12PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2005. Brad C., who is notoriously ornery with members of the media, took the podium to discuss recent developments.

Brad, is it true you've taken a new job?
Wow, you assholes just get right to the point, don't you? Yes, it's true. Yesterday [Monday] I accepted a job offer from a rival company. Better opportunity, better pay. Not that I was discontent with my current job, but I couldn't pass up the offer. Next question.

How much better pay?
I don't discuss finances with the media.

When do you start?
Late next month, after a planned vacation.

To where?
Don't worry about it.

What will that mean for the blog?
The hell should I know? I haven't started there yet, remember? It could mean less posting during the day, if they monitor their employees' internet usage. But I don't know yet.

Are there any other blog changes coming?
Well, on the advice -- possibly joking advice, but advice nonetheless-- of a few commenters, I added a countdown to hockey season in the upper right corner, just below Superman.

Do you have to update it every day?
No, I'm not that energetic. It's javascript code.

Is there any truth to the rumors concerning you and Mandy Moore?
I can't comment specifically on those, since I don't know which you're referencing. All I will confirm is that she is on my 'Top 5' list.

What do you think about Todd Bertuzzi?
I actually had a similar situation playing youth hockey a number of years ago. Look at it like this-- if you had said to Mr Bertuzzi before the game that if he hit that guy, he'd crack a few vertabrae and be out indefinitely, there's no way he would have made that hit. Bertuzzi wasn't trying to paralyze anybody, he was just sending a message -- "Don't fuck with my teammates." Most of the time, that situation ends harmlessly, and both players skate away no worse for the wear, so there was nothing wrong with trying to get a little revenge. Obviously, what happened that night was unfortunate, and Bertuzzi knows it. Yes, I agree tackling the guy was out of line, and for that he should be punished accordingly. Ideally, you hit him clean and ring his bell a little. That's part of any sport. Bertuzzi's intentions weren't wrong, but you'd like him to go about it differently. Assault charges are ridiculous. He's learned his lesson, and I see no reason not to let him back in the league when his time's up. He had every right to go after the guy, but not with a sucker-punch tackle. Protecting your guys is part of the NHL, but being a goon about it isn't, and that's what they need to stop.

In my situation, I tried to slash a guy's leg pad (heavily protected) but missed, and ended up hitting the side of his knee, taking him out. As soon as I realized what happened, I immediately called the ref over, trainers, coaches. I even followed the kid to his locker room and offered what help I could give. I wasn't trying to injure anybody, but that's the way it happened. I tried to send a message and I missed by a few inches. I was suspended for it. You learn that there's ways to go about certain things, and pulling an illegal stunt isn't one of them. It was stupid but I learned, and I haven't done anything remotely close to that since-- not to say I haven't rung a few bells, but you keep the cheap stuff out of it.

Look, it's a rough sport. Shit happens. Injuries happen. But Bertuzzi learned. So let's cut the guy some slack.

Best story in baseball right now?
Derrek Lee chasing the triple crown. Hope he pulls it off. He's a good guy.

Read any good books lately?
Glad you asked. I read two at a time. I'm still working on Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Supremacy. I read Identity after seeing the movie, but I'm not doing that with this one. The Bourne novels and the movies differ immensely-- and both are good. It's amazing that they pulled it off, but they did. Yeah, the plots are loosely similar-- Bourne wakes up, has no idea who he is, has to fight against a foolish government, you know the deal. But the book goes much further, and does an awesome job of it. So if you're looking for an exciting read, check those out, it's one series that the movie doesn't ruin.

I just finished Suzanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel. Amazing. It's a tome-- just a shade under 800 pages-- and took me a few months to finish. But it's worth it. If you have the time and patience (it moves slowly through parts), it's an amazingly detailed historical fantasy set in early 19th century London, and all I'll say is that it involves two magicians. Her characters are intricately described and infinitely complex. The plot doesn't take many twists, there isn't a surprise ending, but it's enjoyable to get lost in her world for a while, and for that I recommend it. But be warned, this is definitely not a summer beach read. Take your time.

Do you have time for one last question?
Yes. And that was it. Good day to you all.

Hockey for Dummies

My buddy Dave suggested that I go over some of the new rule changes proposed for the NHL, in layman's terms. A majority of the 'new rule' breakdowns you'll find speak to the hardcore hockey fans, not the casual ones (read: the ones you need to reach). Most of the country isn't too interested in the sport right now, and hopefully this will at least turn a few heads.

Rink Dimensions
No, the actual size of the rinks aren't changing (NHL-size is well below Olympic size, so it's baffling why they're trying to play that "world" style when they're not even willing to expand the ice... but I digress), but the lines within them are. The offensive and defensive zones are expanding at the expense of the neutral zone, which means more action at the goals and less crap in the middle.

They're also diminishing the area behind the net by a few feet (aka cramping Gretzky's office). This cuts down on the area in the offensive zone with no angle at the goal (can't score from behind the net). The less room back there, the less chance a player has of getting trapped with no shot. Hence, more shots.

Both of these are huge pluses.

Whistles that Casual Fans Don't Understand
Off-Sides is when a player enters the offensive zone before the puck. Sounds simple, but the rules make it complicated. I won't get into detail. But they're eliminating the 2-Line Pass, which makes it easier for big plays (think of it in football terms-- would the game be as exciting if you could only pass 5 yards at a time? No. You're looking for the bombs-- and that's what this rule enables, the long passes).
When you hear the "Tag-up rule," all it means is that players can get on-sides more quickly. The casual fan won't notice.
Changes to the rule known as 'Icing' won't be noticed much either. Don't worry about it.

Fat Goalies
Goalies won't be allowed to wear sumo pads anymore, which should have a nice increase in scoring. It's not that the skill of goalies changed at all, it's just that they were able to reach pucks more effectively by wearing bigger pads. This should help control that. It was getting ugly.

They're also trying to limit where goalies can play the puck behind the net, which is fine because goalies are fat and lazy and don't really like to skate much anyway-- which is why they're goalies in the first place. Lazy bastards.

The NHL '92 Rules
If you played the Sega Genesis, no doubt you've run across the NHL games, which were the premier sports video games of their time. They've since been overtaken by the Madden series, but their historical significance remains. They call the new rule the 'instigator' rule (Author's note: adding another 2 minutes for instigating a fight in NHL '92 was akin to winning the Stanley Cup. It made you feel good inside. The game had merits in other places but the fighting was genius. In '93 they added blood, which forced purists and parents to protest and from '94 to '96 they didn't have fighting at all, and to this day they still haven't put blood back into the franchise. It was a dark period for the entire Sega system. I guess you could say it marked the exodus for the Genesis).

If you start a fight in the last 5 minutes of a game, you're thrown out. Which might stand as the stupidest rule in the history of any sport, since you get 5 minutes (unreleasable) in the box for fighting anyway. Of course, the main reason for instituting the "game misconduct" (also known as a "match penalty") rule is that the offending players get suspended for the next game too. Which is horseshit. Fighting should be downplayed if the game's going to catch on, but why punish guys longer just because of the time at which they fought? What are you going to tell them, "Stick up for yourself but remember to watch the clock"? Come on.

Go to Olympics, Vote For Jamaica
I'm surprised I've gone 4 months into this blog without even sniffing a Cool Runnings reference, but there you go. The NHL is considering adopting the Olympic-style shootout to decide tie games, which is a change long overdue. Sure, overtime can be exciting if somebody wins, but it's such a letdown to have nobody come out on top. I was at MSG to watch the Rangers play Tampa Bay a few years back, and they walked away with a 2-2 tie. What do you say after that? "Uh... well... they didn't lose." (Author's Note: Coincidentally, that same game my brother was picked out from the crowd to compete in a between-period contest, where he had to dress up like a puck -- yeah, you read that right-- and race two other guys in an obstacle course. He was leading until the final turn when he took a spill, and ended up taking second place to 18,000 cheering fans. Great race. After it was done, he left through the Tampa Bay player's tunnel and remarked how he was taller than Martin St. Louis... and St. Louis was wearing skates. I'll never forget it).

Where was I? Oh yeah, shootouts-- good rule.

We're Not the NBA
In perhaps the most blatant slap in the face to their fellow winter-season athletes, the NHL is actively cracking down on players who take dives to embellish a penalty. I say bravo. I can't stand the crybabies in the NBA who pull that crap on a nightly basis. Whoever came up with that rule should get his name engraved on the Cup.

Assorted
Hockey feels so confident about their current drug situation that on their first try they implemented a policy with more balls than Major League Baseball's will ever have. Again, Bravo.
Bigger nets weren't approved, which is a very good thing. Although it may have benefitted the shooters in the NHL slightly, the rest of the world (meaning every level up through the pros) isn't that good, so it would have been a huge detriment to the development of the sport, especially at the youth level.

Friday's Links - 7/22

Lots of material today, and fortunately, some time to actually post it. It's a welcome reprieve from a busy week.

Baseball
Article 1 - "That guy" is back.

Article 2 - An underdog story.

The Palmeiro Debate

Probably on the instructions of their editors, but possibly on their own, there have been a few columnists suggesting that Rafael Palmeiro doesn't belong in the hall of fame. That's a sham. Skip Bayless flat out refuses him, Ray Ratto questions him and the NFL's Tim Brown. Even Bill Simmons chalks up his stats to a juiced era. But come on. Raffy may have had some help from a few beautiful hitter's parks, but the fact is he's been consistent for a solid 13 years, doing the same thing year after year (after year after year...). You could see his power coming in the early 90's when he was racking up the doubles (which usually turn into HRs, see Brian Roberts for a more recent example of this phenomenon). In his entire career, he's never been on the disabled list. He's part of a 4-member club (3K hits, 500 HRs). What are we punishing him for? Not being a loudmouth? Not holding out in contract negotiations? Not swearing at his manager? For Christ's sake, the Orioles held him out of games at the end of last season to avoid paying a built-in contract bonus, and he still re-signed with them.

More compelling evidence comes from a guy named Greg Maddux, who as of today has 2998 career strikeouts and over 300 wins. And he'll be another first-ballot guy. But people don't berate Maddux by pointing out that he benefitted from playing the bulk of his career under the best pitching coach in all of baseball, on a team that relied on pitching to win 13 straight division titles (and counting). OK, I'll give you that Maddux has a lot more hardware on his mantle (Raffy hasn't won a World Series or an MVP-- in fact, he hasn't even been in the top 4 in MVP voting). But still. You play on a winning team, you'll get your wins. You play in a hitter's park, you'll get your hits. Palmeiro's been quietly doing his thing for a decade and a half, and it's about time we give him some props.

Odds and Ends
Family Guy - Despite the fact that they debunked the myth about the guy's name, it remains that the resemblance is creepy.

Obituary - Death of an American pioneer.

Roenick speaks! - I love this guy. I really do. And as a Rangers fan, I happen to agree with him on this issue. Even if you don't follow hockey, Roenick's always worth listening to, if only because he says the things nobody else has the balls to say.

Dear God What's Happened to You?!?!?
Case study 1 - A good cause. Donate now.

Case study 2
Remember when Christina Ricci used to be cute? Hot even? Like back when she made The Opposite of Sex? I miss those days.

Redneck Limo

I'm wondering whether the doors are welded shut.

Friday's Links - 7/15

Article 1 - If it weren't for that Burger King commercial, I wouldn't have guessed this guy was still alive.

Article 2 - "We are sorry, Mr. Blade, but you and your shapely, wisecracking team of vampire hunters will have to practice elsewhere."

Article 3 - First they take the amphetamines out of Coca-Cola and now this. Just great.

Article 4 - "I'm baffled, Mrs. Cook. I have no idea how we could have sent this enormous bill to you and your green 1997 Volvo that sideswiped my Honda last week and didn't leave a note. Absolutely baffled."

Article 5 - See, everybody from Canada is energized about this hockey thing.

Article 6 - The article fails to mention that JK Rowling printed the cure for cancer and AIDS in this book-- which would be the only rational explanation for the reactions quoted here.

Article 7 - Times like this I wonder why Ashton Kutcher can't do his lame show in Thailand.

Article 8 - Just some more hockey info, if you're interested.

I Still Give a Puck

Everything that was right and wrong about hockey you can see from the most recent playoffs. What's that? You erased the games from your TiVo already? Well, allow me to recap briefly.

I watched every game in the finals between Tampa Bay and Calgary. If you didn't watch it, or really aren't a fan of the game, that first sentence alone should set off some bells. A team from Tampa Bay, Florida not only made it to the finals, but has stood for over a year now as the world champions of hockey. Give that a minute.

Tampa Bay.

In Florida.

There's no ice in Florida.

This is problem number one. Up there in Calgary, which hosted a winter Olympics in the not-too-distant past, they love their hockey. They've known it their whole lives. They got their first pair of skates before they got their first pair of shoes. So if there's professional hockey in that town, there'll be fans. It's a no-brainer.

But the NHL wasn't content staying in hockey towns (read: where it's cold), so they expanded. This wasn't a bad idea, and I'm not going to argue that it was. They're trying to make money by expanding into other markets. It's a business. And at first, they did fine. In the late 1980's, they put the biggest star in the history of the sport in Los Angeles, and it paid off. Big time. Gretzky was a god. He could score goals, he could sell products, he married a model. Hell, he even hosted SNL.

But the game evolved in the mid 1990's. Guys like Gretzky and Lemieux were aging fast, and teams with lesser talent figured out how to slow the game down to their advantage, neutralizing offenses and stifling the goals per game average. In 1992-93, two players tied for the league lead in goals with 76. One was a rookie, playing for a huge hockey town in Winnipeg. Ten years later, three guys tied for the lead-- with 41. Goaltenders aside, the stars had vanished.

The league also faced a debilitating case of salary envy around that time. This wasn't necessarily the players fault (in fact, I still maintain that the players did nothing wrong here). You can't put the onus on any one party, but hockey players were making baseball salaries, and owners couldn't hack it. They were forced to drive up ticket prices, and when you're putting hockey into a new market like Nashville, you can't do that. You're not going to hook the casual fan onto a game (a slower game, no less) by charging his family $150 a night when they can go to a local football game, a game they already know, for a fraction of that. So when the owners finally stood their ground and demanded a salary cap, I took their side. There wasn't any other option. Period. The game needs to be more appealing financially, and nobody was getting that the way things were going. Sure, you can sell out the Garden and Joe Louis Arena three times a week, but you're not going to reproduce those results in the Arizona desert no matter how competitive your team is.

But there's still hope for the NHL. It's got a lot of good things going for it already, things that it can build on (if it's smart). Going back to the most recent playoffs, it's all right there. First off, they have a guy named Jerome Iginla. He's a scorer, he's a leader, he's black, and you're being naive if you think that last point doesn't matter (and I want to take this time to mention how badly I wanted some dumbass announcer to screw up and call him "African-American." To my knowledge they didn't, but they did have to awkwardly call him "of African descent," which was lame in its own right). So not only is he a young rising star who speaks English (another underrated x-factor), he also appeals to a wider segment of the population. Then there's guys like Martin St. Louis, scrappy guys who do everything right. Hockey's version of David Eckstein. And everybody loves an underdog. If the NHL had any clue how to market these guys, they'd already have a headstart.

The last playoffs also featured two high-potency offenses, something all too rare around the league, but something the GMs and owners are desperately pushing for. They're even forming a more aggressive "competition committee" to spark the offenses by implementing some creative rule changes. They've got a kid named Sidney Crosby who's hailed as the next Gretzky. And unlike Eric Lindros, the last player to wear that title, he's not a complete asshole. He's actually, from what I've heard, a lot like Wayne himself-- and that'll be huge in the rebuilding effort, especially since there's a decent chance that a large market team could land him.

The NHL is already doing so many things right, it's a complete shame they have no idea what to do with them. The league has an unexplainable tendency to get the media focused on all the crap, and that should be change #1 for them. "It's a whole new game" is the line they're feeding us, but that's going too far. They don't need a new game. They already had everything right, they just lost sight of it amidst the dollar signs. Let's get back to the high scorers, the stars, the playoff commercials on ESPN that had everybody in stitches (remember those? Where did those go?), the fun, the jerseys as fashion statements, the fans who cared. Let's get that game back.

Game On!

OK, now we're finally back playing hockey. Sorry about crying wolf last week.

The article isn't particularly interesting, but this paragraph needed an editor with a sense of humor (my additions in italics).

Now when the league relaunches in the fall, it will do so with a brand new salary structure that keeps high-spending teams such as Toronto, Philadelphia and the
New York Rangers [, who have combined to win exactly zero Stanley Cups in the last 10 years and just one in the last 30,] in line.

Good job, NHL, way to contain those behemoths. I think the Rangers were really going places by hiring failed and aging superstars. They were the only debt-relief the league had. And they still made money. They're hockey's version of the Mets (or the Yankees pitching staff, take your pick).

I did, however, take the owners' side (for the most part) in this debate. There might be a post forthcoming about this, lord knows I've argued it with my buddies enough (yes, you read that correctly, my friends and I actually talk hockey-- you'd never know people like us exist if you've been reading some of the schmucks over at ESPN.com like Dan Shanoff).

And can we now firmly state that Bob Goodenow is the biggest pushover (and worst bluffer) in sports history? I would love to see this guy at a poker table. It's like Gary Bettman watched Rounders just before the negotiations-- he spotted the sucker.

The Beer Professor Is In

So many questions, so little time. Now I know how Dick Vitale feels every March.
Well, maybe not quite to that extent, but a little hyperbolic overstatement never hurt anybody.

I'm going to take you on a brief world tour of beer, covering the highlights and some of the lowlights that the brewing world has to offer. No passport required. So sit back, pop open a beer, brewski, cold one, whatever, and enjoy. Glass optional.
And for your sake (since this amounts to a beginner's lesson), I'll try to keep the highlights in the less-obscure range, since it wouldn't make any sense to recommend a beer you can't find.

Europe
England (including Ireland and Scotland)
It's tempting to think of all English beers as a Guinness (technically it's Irish, but that's splitting hairs), but that's far from the case. Although many of them share some of the finer qualities of that dark stout, they come with their own unique deviations. Most English brews will be ales, with some stouts mixed in. The carbonation bubbles are much smaller, making for a much thicker head. Many rookies mistake this as being "flat," but that's not the case. English draught beers are meant to be stored and consumed at a warmer temperature, which keeps more of the carbonation in the mixture.
Most English beers hover around 3.5 to 5% alcohol by volume (Guinness is about 4).
Scotch beers, also called Scottish beers, do not contain any actual Scotch. They're a richer, darker ale, typically higher in alcohol than a pale ale (which tend to be lighter and better in the summer months).
Highlights: Fullers, Coniston, Samuel Smith, Youngs

(Author's note: Hey kids, while we're here looking at Big Ben and Parliament, make sure to notice the different spellings in the words "draught" and "drought." The former is the original English spelling of the American word "draft" [same pronunciation], the latter refers to a lack of rain. So don't be "that guy" in the bar who fucks it up)

Germany
My favorite German style is the hefeweiss beer (German 101: hefe = yeast, weiss = wheat). You'll notice that it's cloudier than other styles. This is because it's unfiltered. Straight from the bottle, you'll see some sediment at the bottom-- don't worry, this is natural. Properly poured, the bartender will give you about 90% of the bottle, then spin it with his palms (like you're rubbing your palms together, except with a bottle in there) before giving you the remaining 10%.
On tap, a bartender will often throw a lemon slice on top of the glass. The acidity of the lemon breaks down the head more easily, so you can enjoy the beer more quickly. Of course, this is kind of an asshole move on his part, since nobody should ever need a fruit to enjoy a good beer. If he asks, politely decline. If he doesn't ask, just put the lemon on your napkin. No harm done.
The Germans also have a few more styles, which vary from what we know as lagers to some much heavier "smoked" beers that taste more like a slab of bacon than anything else (which sounds gross, but can actually be pretty good with the right meal).
Lagers, the most well-known German style, are lighter and meant to be enjoyed at colder temperatures, which is why your lager mug has a handle-- you don't want the heat from your hand to affect the temperature of the beer.
Highlights: Warsteiner, Schlenkerla, Paulaner

Czech
The Czech town of Pilsen is the birthplace of the style now known as the pilsener. The original beer made here was simply called "Pilsener" after the town, but it became so popular that other breweries across Europe started adopting the style (and the name) as their own. The brewmasters there decided to stake their claim to the style, deciding finally on the name, Pilsener Urquell ("urquell" being Czech for "original").

Belgium
Beer is to the Belgians what wine is to the French. They enjoy it in an manner that is truly their own. The typical Belgian beer, on first taste, will feel more like a champagne than a beer. It's lighter but more harshly carbonated, and the alcohol content is well above what you're used to. Belgian beers age well, often having yeast in the bottle so it will "bottle-ferment," and actually grow stronger (and better) with age, as opposed to going "skunk." Many Belgians will come in a larger bottle, and most will have a cork instead of a metal cap.
Unfortunately, due to the delicate nature in which the Belgian beers are prepared, the Average Joe won't have the budget for a whole party's worth. A few bottles here and there won't break you though.
A lambic is a type of Belgian ale that doesn't really taste a whole lot like beer. Sometimes these are fruit flavored and sweet (Lindeman's Framboise, for one, is like raspberry soda), but can also be very sour. Odd. But worth trying.
There's a brewery out in Cooperstown, NY called Ommegang, which does a better job at brewing in the traditional Belgian style than many contemporary brewers in Belgium itself. These beers, usually found in 4-packs, are a lot easier on your wallet. So if you're not quite ready for Brussels yet, start yourself off on those.
Highlights: Corsendonk, McChouffe, Abbaye, Rochefort, Chimay

Asia
To put it mildly, beer isn't really the Asians' thing. That's not a knock on them by any means, since you can find a few good beers from there... but it's like soccer in the US. Yeah, we know it's there, but really, it's not our thing.
Usually, Asian beers are consumed more for novelty purposes than anything else. You know, so you can tell your friends, "Hey, look at me, I'm having a Tsingtao!" (brewed in the PRC). They seldom come across as anything more than average, although there are still a few good ones (read: expensive ones) to be had.
Highlights: Hitachino (Japan)
(Author's addendum: If you're seriously thinking about delving into the beer selection from the PRC, you should probably read this first. You've been warned)

South America
Again, as in Asia, beer isn't really their thing. I spent a semester in Martinique (island north of Venezuela), and the locals were far more proud of their selection of sugar cane rum than any cheap Caribbean knock-off brew. I can't recommend anything from this region with a straight face, as it all comes off feeling like a watered-down Corona, and that's reeeeeeal bad.

North America
Mexico
South of the border, you can find two of the finer breweries in the entire continent. Unfortunately, the output of these two breweries pale in comparison to Mexico's shame, the beer known as Corona. Your first clue that you're drinking piss from a tequila bar is that they recommend fruit in the beer. This should raise some eyebrows. Look, if you were in McDonald's, and they said, "You're probably going to want a cheeseburger on top of those McNuggets," you'd stay away from the McNuggets. They know they have an inferior product and they're not subtle about it. And the funny thing is, everyone who drinks this crap already knows it! Want proof? Show me a person who drinks Corona without the lime.
On the other hand, if you can find a Carta Blanca or a Negra Modelo, you're in luck. Many chain faux-Mexican restaurants will feature these brews, so if you can dig around on the menu underneath Corona's ubiquitous Cinqo de Mayo ads, give those a try.
Other highlights: Dos Equis

Canada
You already know most of the major Canadian bulk brewers, because they're just as loud as the American counterparts. So I'm just going to take this time to talk about a brewery called Unibroue, which makes a fantastic selection you can't find anywhere else. Labeled mostly in French, they make lighter but stronger (closer to Belgian) styled ales, often with a far higher alcohol content than seen elsewhere (yes, higher than Molson XXX). The artwork on the bottles stands out (almost a contemporary gothic style), and they even suggest the glass to pour it in right on the label. Helpful folks.
Other Canadian beers also tend to be stronger in alcohol than their American cousins, partly because of the weather, partly to numb the pain from a wayward slapshot.

United States
Because we got such a late start, the American brewers just bastardized the existing types of beers from Europe, slapped a new label on it, and called it domestic. There is, however, one style of a truly American beer (i.e. a style born here, in the States). It comes from the Anchor brewing company in San Francisco, and is known as a "Steam" beer. Their bottles aren't hard to pick out of a lineup (they're shorter than most), so grab a 6er next time you're at the store, and you'll have a distinctly American beer in your hands... then in your stomachs... then...well, you know the rest.
In spite of the lack of style originality in the country, there are tons and tons of deviations on the existing styles to be found. American craft breweries love to spice it up by mixing in different flavors and cross-breeding styles (this applies to a bunch of Canadian breweries as well). Sometimes this works, sometimes it falls flat. But on the whole, it adds a much-welcomed variation into the market. You're not going to find this with the major players, but take a look around the back corners of your beverage center and you'll be pleasantly surprised.
The Rogue brewery, out of Oregon, has yet to produce a beer I don't like. Same with Saranac (Utica, NY), Magic Hat (Burlington, VT), Smuttynose (Portsmouth, NH), Dogfish Head (Delaware) and Stone (San Diego, CA). I know, I'm missing a lot-- there is absolutely no shortage of good beer here, so be creative when buying.
Then, of course, there's the bad beer. And that's where we have Coors light. Where to start? Coors is very much like Corona where they know they have a bad beer on their hands. How can you tell? Again, it's with the advertising. More specifically, in this new "cold" campaign they have. It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen, defying science and logic. Fact: the colder a beer is, the less you're going to taste it. This is why Coors insists on you drinking their beer at around 32 degrees, whereas most other beers are meant to be enjoyed at upwards of 40. Fact: the colder a beer is, the more the balance of carbon dioxide will be upset, resulting in a much flatter beer once it's opened. Fact: beer is not brewed cold, it's boiled. So the end result is a flat, tasteless, watered-down "beer" with the approximate testosterone level of the Lilith fair. Oh, wait, but at least it's cold. Like that makes it better. Which is why I keep saying, friends don't let friends drink Coors light.

(Author's addendum: An important fact that I brushed over in the interest of bashing Coors: Fact: Yes, cold beer does in fact keep longer than warm beer. Although for the bulk domestics, the transit period isn't long enough to make a difference. So that "shipped cold" chatter is just nonsense. Same with "a fresher beer." Realistically you're fine within a few months, if not longer for some. Better beers are best stored at cellar temperatures, which are below room temps, but above freezer temps. And I'm not getting into that stuff in this chapter.)

Conclusion
There's no such thing as a bad beer until you've tried it, so go out, drink responsibly (read: no Coors), and don't be afraid to experiment. With beer too.

All-Star News from Detroit

In case you missed Scott Rolen's press conference from St. Louis this weekend, here's the transcript:

"I want to first say what an honor it is to be selected to the All-Star team by the fans of this great game. It's a privilege which I truly appreciate, to be able to play the game I love and be recognized for it. It's overwhelming, and I'm very grateful. That being said, I would like to announce my withdrawal from the 2005 All-Star game in Detroit. Although I truly feel blessed to have been chosen by the fans, I feel that with my injuries and subsequent performance this season, I would be taking away a spot from a player who truly deserved it.

"I have spoken with Mr. LaRussa and we both agreed that there is a young player from Houston, who happens to play the same position as myself, who would be a better fit on the National League's squad. That player's name is Morgan Ensberg.

"I have not been influenced by anybody other than myself regarding this decision. I felt that it was the right thing to do. For me, for Morgan, and for the game of baseball. I can only wish that come 2006, I will be fortunate enough to have a chance to be selected once more. Again, I want to thank the fans of baseball, especially in St. Louis, for their tremendous support, but now I'm looking forward for a small break to rehabilitate my shoulder, in the hopes that I can help the Cardinals to another pennant in September.

"Thank you."

None of the articles about the decision, including this one, make any mention of the conference, however. Strange. Very strange......

Some Thoughts on Beer

As you know, I'm a beer lover. For about a month, due to health reasons, I was unable to drink (no, nothing serious, just a little too much partying)-- at which time I became a narcotics lover, but that's a different post altogether (and you wonder why I don't use my last name). But now I'm back into the swing of things, and figured I'd share with you a few abstract thoughts on beer.

Timing is Everything
The summer months are good for drinking the lighter beers-- not that I'm advocating "light" beers, I couldn't do that with a straight face-- but I'm talking about the pale ales, the weiss (pronounced "vice" for all you rookies) beers and the IPAs. Especially the IPAs.

It's about the prime harvest season for hops, which, if you haven't been on a brewery tour or seen a cheesy Miller Light commercial, are one of the main components in beer. Basically, the more hops, the more bitter the beer. IPAs are loaded with hops, making for a more bitter, very nice summer beer. Better when served colder.

I say this because one of my friends, who knows better, made a crucial mistake on the 4th of July. He brought a 4-pack of a top-notch but very heavy dark ale made by the wonderful folks at the Dogfish Head Brewery in Delaware (Author's Note: This could be the only time you hear me mention anything ever coming out of Delaware). The stuff's called Immort Ale (clever, I know) and because of its gravity is better at warmer temperatures, usually out of a snifter glass-- not next to the hot dogs at a July BBQ. It went down more like an alcoholic maple and vanilla milkshake than a beer that day, and I was all too quick to follow it up with a half case of Miller Genuine Draft (a real 4th of July beer).

Moral of the story: Sometimes, the best beers are best saved for another occasion. Choose wisely. But seriously, check out the Dogfish Head selection sometime, if you ever get the chance.

Just Add Salt
I saw this done on Mythbusters and decided to pass it along. If you're out tailgating, or really any place where you need to keep cold beer in a cooler, try this: use a mixture of ice and water, and dump a whole bunch of regular old table salt into it. The salt melts the ice and lowers the melting point of the water (guess I should have payed attention in chemistry class), making it a solid 10 degrees cooler than a normal ice/water mix or even just ice. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

What's In My Fridge... for now
The Sam Adams brewmaster's 6-pack. If you can stomach the overly snotty TV ads, this beer's actually pretty decent for a commercial brew. Try the Black Lager. I also usually carry a 12-pack of High Life longnecks on hand, just in case.

Drink Responsibly
Remember, friends don't let friends drink Coors Light.


"You're drunk again!"
"No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
- Family Guy

Friday's Links - 7/8

Beer League - First and foremost, I have to recommend this link to everybody who has ever lived. It's a comedic but spot-on look at the world of beer league hockey, a world where I've been (in college) and also where I'll be entering two times per week all summer. They really couldn't have done this any better, from the action shots to the locker room scenes (don't worry, no nudity). Go check this out. I'm begging you.

Article 1 - Most people would kill to have parents like these.

Article 2 - A success story from a successful man. The lesson - get in on the bottom floor of an emerging technology and all your days will be roses. Seriously though, it's a good read.

Article 3 - "So, Mr. Cochrane, do you think I have a case?" "Do you have a case? Let me put it this way-- if they mess with the stars, the money will be ours."

Article 4 - The article's writer could have easily spun this the other way by changing just one word. In the beginning of the 3rd paragraph, instead of "Almost," if he had used "Not even," you'd see the liberal side of things. Damn media messing with the whores.

Article 5 - Until the WNBA has fans like this guy, it will never be a real sport.

Article 6 - $10K for a private education? You'd better go buy a DeLorean with that money too.

Tour De Vitesse

Trying something new can give you a pretty clear perspective on how good professionals really are.

I've been riding the bike now for a week and a half. I've covered about 70 miles (on days I take it out, I usually cover between 9-12 miles). I know this because I have a small computer (I say "computer" in technical terms only, in truth it looks more like a stopwatch than a Dell) which gives me my current speed and distance covered. My fastest speed so far has been 33mph, which, if you've even clocked yourself on a bike, seems pretty darn fast. This was going down a relatively small hill on my highest gear (I haven't found any large hills in the city yet-- this isn't exactly San Francisco).

Wednesday's Tour de France stage was 113.7 miles. The riders finished in a pack, clocking in at 3 hours and 46 minutes. Saving you the math, that averages to be 30.2mph. Average. Over the distance of four full marathons (and then some).

Now, I realize comparing myself to the Tour riders is a little lofty. I mean, I wouldn't take one week of guitar lessons and expect to compete with Steve Vai. They have better training, better equipment, and they don't have to worry about being broadsided by a Subaru coming out of the Mobil station without looking (asshole). But still. That's impressive.

I'll keep working at it though. By which I mean, I'll try to find a bigger hill.

------------------
On a completely different note, you'll probably notice how I tweaked the blog's page design. Nothing Earth-shattering, but I think it adds a nice aesthetic value. The funny part is, I used an HTML editor on my PC but forgot to comment out the part of the code that sends the page load to my hit tracker (in non-geek: I have a counter set up to see how many hits the page gets per day, so every time I previewed the page on my PC, the counter thought it was another hit from the web). And since I was tinkering with the colors in hex (non-geek: hexidecimal code gives you exactly 16,777,216 unique color combinations), I ended up doubling my previous per-day page load record.

To which I simply say, "D'oh."

It's Too Good

I hate gloating but I love being right. It's an odd paradox. But since this time it involves my secretly running the Yankees, I'll share it:

Here's my post from a few months ago.
And here's todays latest news from the Bronx.
In hindsight, it's clear why the blog was getting all those hits from Tampa, Florida a few weeks ago.
Of course, if the last two games are any indication, I may have misjudged Giambi... but I doubt it. History has always given us room for statistical abberations. I'm sticking with my original statement that he should be sent to the bottom of the East River to make room for Andy Phillips. I'm not backing down (yet).

Hockey's Back

I missed hockey. I missed playing it, I missed watching it. I never considered boycotting it when it came back. I hated the bandwagon that cropped up and said 'hockey sucks' even though most of those people cheered for Gretzky and owned a San Jose Sharks jersey in 1992. Going to see the Rangers play at the Garden was a family tradition. I love the game. And I'm not even Canadian.

The lockout pissed me off from both sides, but that's kind of a moot point now that it's all (reportedly) been settled. And it's about fucking time. (Author's Note: This paragraph may have been a bit premature because of this story, but I'm keeping it here for historical purposes)

The irony is, I was planning on posting about hockey today regardless of the lockout situation, because my own personal hockey season started last night at 9:30PM local time. I'm playing in a summer league where I'll be skating every Sunday and Wednesday through the fall, which is when the winter league starts. So I'm back.

I played through high school and college (club, not varsity-- my school was D-I in hockey), but haven't laced up more than 2 or 3 times since then until last night. In fact, the last time I saw the ice was January of 2004, so I was a little rusty. It took me until the third period to find my legs, and after that I felt great. Just like riding a bike... except colder... and more painful (I took a shot to the inner-thigh, and no, I'm not a goalie).

And if you're wondering how we could possibly play hockey when it's 95 degrees outside, the answer is simple: indoors.

The NHL of course is a different story, and a subject for a completely different post, so I'll save that one for another time. But it's coming. Believe you me.

Seeing All Stars

I love the All-Star game. It's not so much that it's fun to watch (it usually isn't), it's that it's one of those pat-on-the-back orgies that are so rare in sports these days (about as rare as my sarcasm).
I'll go into more detail next Wednesday (the game's played on the 12th), but for now I'll leave you with my annual All-Star Awards based on the lineups announced Sunday.

The Jason Giambi Award (Least Deserving Fan-Voted Starter)
...goes to Scott Rolen, who was hitting a whopping .246 with 5 round-trippers on June 30th (the deadline for fan voting). Has spent most of the year on the DL. And the funny part is, this wasn't the fault of the fans of St. Louis-- those guys (and gals) actually know their baseball.

The Scott Cooper Award (Biggest Argument Against the 'Every Team Gets a Player' Rule)
...goes to Tampa Bay reliever Danys Baez. Who?, you ask. Exactly. Runner-up goes to Brian Fuentes, who would have won the award if not for the fact that it would have given him too much recognition. 50 points if you can guess which team Fuentes plays for.

The Lost the Win-Win Award (Deserving Starter Who Just Missed Out)
...is Albert Pujols, who would have run away with the starting nod if not for Derrek Lee, who was just slightly more deserving. Nobody could argue against either one of these guys. This race, by the way, is what the NL MVP voting will look like in 4 months.

The Won the Lose-Lose Award (Undeserving Starter Who Sucked the Least)
...again goes to Mike Piazza (he's won like 6 of these), who has managed to stink the least out of an intensely weak crowd of NL catchers. Can you really argue that Paul LoDuca (the NL reserve catcher) should be the starter? Not very well. It's like deciding which Golden Girl you'd rather sleep with-- how do you win?

The Susan Lucci Award (Most Notable Snub)
...Morgan Ensberg of the Astros, who has hit 22 HRs for a small-market club. Stat-head trivia: How many HRs did Ensberg have by the All-Star break in 2004? (Yes, he was still the starter in Houston)
Anybody?
Anybody?
Bueller?
Zero. Exactly none. So this is a pretty remarkable turnaround for this kid. He should've breezed in. No reason why he's not on the vote-in ballot instead of guys like Billy Wagner and Trevor Hoffman. The NL is loaded with top gun starting pitchers-- an extra reliever makes absolutely no difference to them. Him and Jose Guillen need to fight to the death on pay-per-view for the 32nd spot. I'd watch.
Or, maybe a better idea would be to have Ensberg and Guillen bludgeon Carlos Beltran (.262, 9HR, starting CF) to death for the spot. Are you listening, Selig?

The Cal Ripken Award (Lifetime Achievement Award, Despite Less-Than-Stellar Stats This Year)
...Luis Gonzalez, who despite taking away spots from the guys mentioned above, still should be an All-Star. This is the guy who, if he does something important in the game, will get the loudest applause from the fans. Like when your grandpa makes it all the way to the bathroom. It's sweet, and a little heartwarming. Like in a 'Aw look, he thinks he can still play, isn't that cute?' kind of way.

The Barry Bonds Award (Most Unwanted or Negative Publicity)
...Mr. Media himself, Kenny Rogers. Come on, Kenny, can you kick my ass? I've got a Canon Sure-Shot aimed right at your mug.

Spawning New Independence Traditions

For the past three years my friends and I have had a tradition. One of them owns a house near the plaza where they shoot off the fireworks. So every year we drink too much and climb up on her roof to watch the display. It never fails to impress, as long as you follow the one simple rule: don't walk too close to the edge of the roof.

Last year one of my buddies, in a moment of true inspiration, yelled out something so obvious yet so funny that I nearly did fall off. Inbetween two bursts, he yells out, "ENGLAND SUCKS!!!"

Mind you, I have nothing against England as a country or its people. But something about that line just struck me as downright funny, if only because as a country we sometimes lose sight of what we're really celebrating. And phrases like that bring you right back.

So next year as the hot dogs are crisp and the burgers are overdone, remember to shout obscenities at the king of Britain. You can even use colorful slurs like, "Redcoats" or "lobsterbacks." After all, it's what your forefathers would have wanted.

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