After these messages...

Yeah I know I missed this week. Don't even start with me.

Actually, the girlfriend is in town this week so I did have a valid excuse in there somewhere.

Anyway, coming up next week: Scott, Alison and I have "Beer Week" planned. After that, I have plenty of stories from my trip across the Northern border from last weekend (to Montreal), a trip filled with so much debauchery I'm almost ashamed to have been a part of it-- but not really.

As for right now I'm off on my third road trip in three weeks, this time to Maine, although some of my more loyal readers (you know who you are) probably already guessed that. Talk to you all on Monday.

Inspiration

I had an idea tonight. I have to thank this guy for it though.

Heroin? On TV? What is this, the trainspotting network? This is what it's come to?

Good. It's about time.

I've had this thought for a long time-- it's been in the incubation chamber. I thought it might be a good idea to write an entire blog post while stoned out of my gourd. I did something similar to this once; in college, I was the head writer for a humor magazine (surprise!). My roomate and I tried to write half an issue while drunk. Our theory was that it would be funnier if it were more offensive, and what better time to think of offensive humor than while plastered?

Well, it worked a little too well. Think AIDS jokes. Think Princess Diana jokes. Yeah. It was that bad.

So the genre rested for a while. Until tonight.

To be honest, I hope I read this tomorrow and wonder what the hell I was on to publish this swill over the information superhighway. But I'll know, and that's the best part.

Anyway, that's the best I can do right now. One lame story. Sorry. This is a bigger disappointment than the whole virginity thing.

But keep it on and on, playas. BC is out. Damn.

O'zapft Ist!

Oktoberfest is here.

October is the month for great jugs. Of beer.

It's been here since the 17th, so I would have told you sooner but I've been a little too busy to play Paul Revere with this. And besides, it's not like it's a one-night-only event.

I'm going to save the bulk of this post for a few weeks from now, when Scott, Alison and I are going to form like Voltron to bring you an entire week of beer. It's a triple threat.

In the meantime however, and because I consider myself a philanthropist of alcohol, I'll just leave you with a heads-up on what to look for this season as far as Oktoberfest beers: from the imports section, Spaten makes a decent and well-distributed brew; in the Northeast, the Saranac brewery's ale is a welcome addition; nationally, Sam Adams also puts out an O'fest this time of year, which you can probably find at the local Piggly Wiggly.

Go enjoy, but don't show up to work too hungover. Or if you do, don't blame me this time. I'm sick of the hate mail.

Oh, and since you're probably wondering, the title of this post is German for "The beer is tapped," which is the phrase shouted by the mayor of Munich each year when the first keg is devirginized.

I'll Pass, Thank You

Ever been to the Northeast? Ever taken a toll road there?
If you answered 'Yes' to these questions, you were most likely the recipient of the shittiest gameshow vacation prize ever. You lucky dog, you.

See, about a decade ago, the State of New York thought it would be a "cool" and "really futuristic" idea to have lanes on the toll roads become electronic. The product of this brainchild is called "E-Z Pass." It saves you, as a commuter, a bunch of time because you don't have to get a ticket and sort through your change tray every 14 seconds. It saves the State money (and this is the biggie) because they no longer have to pay some shlub to sit at a booth and collect the money you just dug out of your change tray 13 seconds ago.

Hooray, hooray, everybody wins.

Or so you think.

There's a caveat here. The state didn't have an open audition to see who could create the best computerized tag system (they call these things "tags," they stick to the inside of your windshield and the tollbooth reads them... I don't really know why I'm telling you this, if you've graduated from a horse and buggy you should really know this by now). They commissioned the lowest bidder. They'll probably have you believe that it was some huge contractual bargain war, but the end result is so incredibly devoid of worth that I'll never believe the best company won that bid. Ever. (hmm... two superlatives in one post... I'm on fire)

So what we ended up with here in NY (and NJ, Mass and surrounding areas) was a piece of crap company supplying the 'next generation' tollbooth hardware. And it's a crock.

I took economics in college. It was my major, in fact. Hard to believe, I know, what with all the nerdy computer stuff I do, but I'm not lying here. If you've never taken an econ. class, I'll illustrate a simple principal: Competition good, monopolies bad.

When you have a monopoly over a market (as E-Z Pass does over the tollbooth thing), there's no pressure to improve, no pressure to excel beyond "poor," no pressure to innovate, no pressure to have any sort of customer service above "sucks donkey balls."

So, for example, if Ohio came out with a vastly improved futuristic toll-thingy, it still wouldn't matter since NY would need to buy in-- and they can't with this contract. I've heard this has actually caused several dozen economics professors to commit mass coordinated suicides. My former thesis advisor was one of them.

In the mornings, the E-Z Pass lanes are literally longer than the cash-only lanes, and while you can argue that they move a little quicker in some areas (unless you have the case of an unwitting tourist, then everybody's screwed), I've found that on my morning commute it makes virtually no difference. That's right, I tested it.

Look, I'm not saying that it's not a good idea. It's a great idea. But bring some competition in here. Give us a choice, New York. Any choice. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with quarters on top.

The Black Entry

"If you can't respect that,
Your whole perspective is whacked.
Maybe you'll love me when I fade to black."

Well, OK, so maybe this isn't my exit blog entry... but I feel like any one of these could be. Am I done blogging? Is my creative inkwell gone? Why did Oceans 12 suck so bad?
These are just a few of the questions that haven't been keeping me up at night.

See, there are a few things different about the new job. I'll list a few here.

• No personal email (and I want to clarify this-- it's not just 'Hey, don't do that,' they actually block all the web-based email sites, along with anything that could be considered 'fun' at work. And yeah, blogger's one of 'em)
• Office of about 1,000 people (old office had roughly 30)
• Parking garage. Fancy.
• More responsibility.
• People who care what you do during the day.
• Et cetera.

Usually, by the time I get home from work I'm so fucking sick of computers, the mere thought of turning mine on is pretty much out of the question. This was fine-- for a while, but now that I can't do the personal stuff at the office, it falls to home. And I find that I ask myself, do I really want to power up that evil thing here? Do I? Really?

No. I don't.

But there's a paradox here (which, if you haven't figured it out by now, is evidenced by the fact that I'm writing now... duh). So maybe all blogging hope is not lost. Yet. I'm sure I'll find some happy medium again where I can entertain myself with my own thoughts (and hopefully a few of you too). Until then, be patient.

And much like Jay-Z, you can be sure I'll be reintroducing myself soon. Bitches.

Questions Answered

Here's a sordid collection of half-thoughts as I slowly regain my ability to type (you lose this sort of stuff on vacation).

- My trip was 2 parts. The part you see in the next post was in Italy. So kudos to Michelle and Abra who nailed that question, bonus points going to the latter for getting the city, and at the same time coming dangerously close to that stalker category which makes me wonder just who comments on some of this stuff.... hm... I'm rambling...

- Would it be terribly difficult for airports to install some sort of outdoor lobby? Is it that difficult to get some air? Please. We're dying here.

- The movie selection on the trans-Atlantic flights were Fever Pitch and Miss Congeniality 2. So when the stewardess came over offering headphones for sale, I replied that I'd buy only under the condition that they'd hold 190 lbs in a noose. She didn't get it.

- Oh, by the way, the second part of the trip was a week in southern Alabama to visit the girlfriend.

- No, they weren't affected by Katrina in her town. But thank you for asking. Kinda.

- Pot can really enhance a live Fantasy Football draft. This wasn't so much a discovery on vacation as it was after I got back, but it fits here nonetheless.

- Yes. Italy was cool. Tuscany is indescribably picturesque and I wouldn't do it justice even attempting to tell you about it. So just go there already.

- The trip was actually a family vacation, with my parents and 3 brothers. That's right, a family vacation. I'm in my mid-20's now and the last time I took a family vacation was well before I entered high school. But I'm past the point now where I'd forgo a week's vacation for lacrosse practice-- or in this year's case, softball playoffs. Either way, screw everything, when you get the chance to go to Europe, you do it.

- Next vacation is with the girlfriend up North somewhere. I'd tell you where but apparently Abra can just leave a comment with the city and state anyway, so what's the point?

- Yes, I get a kick out of poking fun at commenters I barely know. I find it easier to make friends that way. You may be wondering now why I don't have any friends. Well fuck you too then.

- I have court tomorrow for a speeding ticket. Wish me luck.

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