Why the Movies Suck

I was talking with one of my co-workers the other day, and she told me that there were a few movies playing right now that she'd like to see: Sahara, Fever Pitch and Miss Congeniality 2.

Wow.

That could just be one of the most terrible lists of movies I've ever heard. At least, it's way up there. And yet, there are never any shortages of this kind of drivel in the theaters. Never. And then it occurred to me: Hollywood rarely makes good movies because morons keep going to these movies. It's a vicious cycle. And it's a vicious cycle controlled by women.
Think about the last time you heard a guy say something like, "Hey, let's go see that new Matthew McConaughey movie!" Never. The only time men liked McConaughey in a movie is when he was an unknown playing Wooderson in Dazed and Confused ("I like those high school girls-- I get older, they stay the same age")

The biggest culprit these days is the excessive output of romantic "comedies." Clichéd, predictable, corny and downright boring. But always profitable. And what’s to stop Hollywood from churning out swill when it always makes money? Can you think of a time you saw a Sandra Bullock film where you remember saying to yourself afterwards, "Wow, that one really made me think." How about Jennifer Love Hewitt? George Clooney?

Why pay money when I'm just going to rub one out to Alias for free on Wednesday?

Take a look at the money that leading men pull in versus leading women. An untalented male lead can single-handedly pull in an audience, while the same thing simply cannot be said about a female lead. Try finding a guy that isn’t floored by Halle Berry or Jennifer Garner, but then try finding one that’s seen either Catwoman or Elektra. Pretty tough.
And on the flip side, think about pre-Bennifer Ben Affleck, post-Indiana Jones Harrison Ford, XXX Vin Diesel or anything with (single worst actor of his generation) Josh Hartnett. They’re slam dunks.

So how are the women behind this?
I’ll tell you how—because chicks pick the date movie, that’s how.
For the most part, you’re not going to see a Sin City or a Dodgeball on the first date. And even if she’s into action movies, can you name one good action movie in the past year? I can’t. As a guy, you’re going to take the high road and give her what she wants. If you don’t, chances are you’re not headed to second date territory, let alone second base territory. Any guy who’s been on his share of first dates will back this up. It’s common sense. I mean, do you really think Notting Hill would have made that extra 15 bucks if I didn’t think I was headed for the nipple zone? Sorry, Hugh Grant, not a prayer.
It’s a rough world, but it’s reality. There just isn’t as big of a market right now for guys’ movies as there should be. Or maybe that’s because nobody gives it a chance.

But what about guys who go to the movies without girls?
Oh, you mean Sci-Fi fans?
Well of course science fiction movies do well. When you’ve never spoken to a girl without having to type, you’re not bound to their controlling movie-going ways. This is why the Star Wars series does so well. (Speaking of Star Wars, there’s a great article in Esquire this month or last month-- the one with Eva Longoria on the cover-- written by Mike D’Angelo which begs everybody to boycott the new Star Wars movie for the first weekend, just to smite the Hollywood juggernaut and their opening week gross. It’s exactly the type of article I’d write if I had three things 1) a real writing gig 2) real writing talent 3) less self-deprecating humor).

Your palms wear thin.
Lonely you must be, young Jedi.

So how do we fix this?
Stop going to movies. Not forever, just until they get the idea. Don’t give in to the crap they throw at you just because it’s there. At the bare minimum, stop going to bad movies. Even though you can’t judge a book by its cover, you can usually judge a movie by its preview. Choose wisely. If you’re going down the dating path, there have only been a few genuinely good date movies (defined as a chick flick that has enough non-lame comedy for a guy to enjoy) that I can recall in the past few years: Garden State and Lost In Translation. The rest of it you can safely avoid at all cost. Are you really missing anything by not shelling out 9 bucks for Maid in Manhattan? No.
Send a message to Hollywood. Actually, send a bunch: we don’t buy Ethan Hawke as a tough guy, stop overexposing Will Ferrell, Sandra Bullock isn’t cute or funny, and please send Josh Hartnett to a remote South Pacific island that still practices cannibalism.

With a little support, this could really work. Let’s do our part.

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