Back to Baseball - Dear Brian Cashman
OK, I'm finally off the whole stripper thing and back onto baseball. Here's some open correspondence laying around my desk.
Office of the General Manager
Yankee Stadium
161st Street & River Ave.
Bronx, NY 10451
Dear Brian Cashman,
You know me. I know you know me. I know you've been reading my blog and following my advice. This is why you brought up Andy Phillips and Chien Ming Wang, both of whom are paying dividends for your precocious boss.
I know you realize I have a lot more knowledge of your team than most scouts, mostly because I'm more concerned with winning than harming the egos of a bunch of underachieving overpaid bums. In other words, I'm a fan-- not an accountant.
Now that we are through with cordialities, let me tell you what to do next. Bitch.
- Keep Phillips at first. He has as many extra-base hits as Jason Giambi in a quarter of the at-bats. Keep Tino, since it's good to have him around. And cut Giambi. Just cut him. Eat his paycheck. It's a tough price to pay but it's worth it.
- Tanyon Sturtze should be starting. If I had said this 3 years ago, I'd have been gunned down in an alley, but it's a good idea now.
- Way to give up Yhency Brazoban for Kevin Brown. Really, nice job. A hard-throwing righty who could have easily been Rivera's successor and you give him up for Kevin F-cking Brown. This isn't advice, but since I wasn't blogging back then, I really needed to get it off my chest. In the future, please consult me before making these trades. Jackass.
- Get rid of Rey Sanchez, and bring up AAA prospect Robinson Cano. The guy's ready. And Sanchez is crap.
- Dumping 220 pounds of dead weight from the roster (Giambi) will do two things-- first, you'll free up a DH spot for Bernie Williams. Moving Bernie to DH will not only put 3 years onto his career, but you also make room for prospect Melky Cabrera, who is not only the best defensive outfielder in the Yanks farm system, but can also hit for high average-- something Bernie hasn't been able to do for years (plus, Steven Hawking could outrun Bernie at this point).
- Pay a proctologist $15 million anually to shove his entire fist into your colon every five days for 3 full years. Now you know what it's like to have Kevin Brown on your roster. Hopefully, this will teach you a lesson.
Take it from me, the fans would rather see a crop of home-grown talent than hormone-grown losers.
Your move.
Sincerely,
Brad C.
The Steam Vent
PS - Chien Ming Wang needs to stop inexplicably and inexcusably pronouncing his last name "Wong." This is precluding the myriad unintentionally humorous John Sterling phrases such as "Wang has really grown here in NY" and "Wang's really heating it up tonight" and "It burns when I pee."
PPS - How'd you like the posts about the strippers?
To my newer readers, I first wrote about Wang here and Phillips here.
posted by BJC @ 3:09 PM
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