The Return

Napoleon from Elba. Jordan from Baseball. Bellbottoms from the Salvation Army. Europe from the Plague. Hugh Grant. Jesus. Elway. Carbohydrates. Balboa. And now, me.

That's right. I'm back.

So where have I been, you ask yourself. Simple, really. As I was literally inbetween jobs (I start today at the new one), I took a vacation that brought me around the globe. To where? Well, I'll leave you with this photo mosaic and let you figure it out. Correct guesses score you 100 points, incorrect ones infer permanent banishment from the comment section...

Or not.

Talk to you soon.

Gone Fishing

To: Readers
From: Brad
Re: Vacation

Thursday was my last day of work. I'm headed off to travel the world. Be back on 8/29.
Take care.
-b

Performance Enhancers

I have a confession.

I feel like now is the appropriate time to come out with this information, now that the steroid scandal in baseball has people across the country talking about chemical enhancements. And I have to say, I'm sympathizing with Mr. Palmeiro on this one.

I am not a professional athlete. I program computers for a living. I work in a field that does not require muscular fortitude. Rather, it requires a sharp and advanced mind. Hulking biceps and overgrown quads won't help me much. Superior intellect will.

About a year ago, I learned that my company would be handing out promotions to a few select employees. Luckily, the promotions weren't being granted for office-politic-ass-kissing, they were based strictly on merit. I was level with a group of a number of peers, only some of which would be upped to senior level in the coming months. I needed an edge. I needed to stand out. My career, my wallet, all depended on the promotion. I decided then to make the same choice many star athletes made, but instead of physique-expanding, my variety was mind-expanding.

To my knowledge these supplements came from South America, although new research into the topic suggests Western Canada as a possibility as well. Hell, for all I knew, they could have been grown in some frat-house attic. I didn't care. I needed to expand.

It was easier than steroids. No injections necessary. No visible marks. Inhale, exhale, it was that simple. I had a friend of mine show me the ropes, but after a few times, I was flying solo. I didn't need any help.

I began a regiment starting on weekends, mostly late on Friday nights, but it soon expanded into the week. Before I knew it, I was augmenting my cerebral cortex three, maybe four times a week. My bosses noticed a difference. Not only was I performing better than in the past, but I was also able to take on multiple tasks at once. My confidence was through the roof. Work was fun again. I was approaching a .400 completion average on projects, a number unheard of for computer programmers. The best guys at Microsoft finish maybe 30, 35%, and here I was putting that to shame.

But I wasn't the only one. Whispers were going around the cubicles that a guy at one of our rival companies was making a run at Linus Torvalds' hallowed single season record. It was ridiculous. Guys weren't just finishing crosswords at an unheard of rate, they were taking D&D characters to new levels, putting Easter eggs into every software program, even hiding graphic sex scenes in video games. All the old standards were being crushed.

Needless to say, I got the promotion at work. Nobody was suspicious, I was young and maturing into a productive worker. My stats from college showed promise years back, so it wasn't like some new development. Some of the older folks mumbled that I might be the next superstar. The ceiling was off.

I never thought what I did was wrong. The company's policy was excruciatingly lax, and failed to mention anything about performance enhancers. In hindsight it may have been odd, since even places like Burger King test for that stuff, but if I wasn't getting caught, what was to stop me? Maybe it would come up down the road, maybe I'd register a positive test some years in the future... but come on. Our president was asked about it once, and he vehemently denied the effects of the supplements. "I didn't inhale," he said. Give me a break. If he never expanded his mind, there's no way he would have landed in that office. No way.

I just want to make it clear that I don't consider myself a role model. I don't want kids following the path I took. At least not until college. They should start with computers the old-fashioned way-- by avoiding social contact and failing at sports. But I don't regret a thing. I saw a loophole in the system and I took it. It's that simple.

So where am I now? I cut back once I landed the larger contract. There wasn't a need to keep pushing the limits of my brain when a guaranteed payday was already in my lap. But that doesn't mean I stopped. You could be the best programmer in the world, but there's always going to be some punk kid trying to knock you off your throne. And that's why I keep at it. I stay in the game, I keep my mind in shape. I'm not as young as I used to be, but if I can keep just a little of that edge, I'll smoke it every time.

Bad News Bachelor

Football fever hits early here in Albany, if only for the fact that we've been the home to the New York Football Giants' training camp for the last 10 years. Given that the facilities are only 3 miles from my apartment and the fact that I've been a Giants fan since conception, it goes without saying that I've made a few practices this year (some wearing my #80 jersey... much to the horror and/or amusement of the girlfriend, who may have come to the realization that she's dating a dork a little too late... and yet she hasn't run away screaming, proving once again that she's a keeper... but I digress).

If you follow football or even if you don't, a good starting off point for this piece of knowledge is that barring an act of God or a coked-up Lawrence Taylor, Eli Manning will take every snap as QB this year. Going into camp, there were three guys behind him in the following order: Jesse Palmer (aka TV's 'The Bachelor'), Tim Hasselbeck (the one not married to the chick from Survivor), and Jared Lorenzen (aka "J-Load" or "The Hefty Lefty" - Quick note about 'the Load': seeing him take snaps is a gift from above. Here's a guy listed at 6'4'' 275lbs, which is the body type more commonly associated with interior linemen, yet he's got a cannon for an arm. If the G-Men fall out of playoff contention, this guy should play every 4th quarter. People would stick around for that. I'm telling you).

Not only did he lose his job, but now Eli's tagging the blonde.

Well, unfortunately for The Bachelor, Coach Coughlin looks like he's giving his rose to Hasselbeck. Palmer was running with the 2nd team offense last week, but Hasselbeck's taken his place this week. Sorry, ladies.

On the bright side, Palmer's still got a starting job staring at the back of the longsnapper's crotch. He seems to be holding down the position of "holder" for the placekicker-- which might turn into some hefty playing time, since the Giants' red zone offense is the field goal unit, and has been for the last couple seasons (the drawback to having Mighty Mouse as your running back).

Friday's Links - 8/5

Article 1 - I believe they're calling this "The Ashlee Simpson Strategy" now.

Article 3 - I always thought that if they did this, it would be called 'The Scrotum Soliloquies.'

Article 2 - But speaking of cocks...

Article 4 - You couldn't have just said, "irreconcilable differences?"

Article 5 - Websters Unabridged uses this example for "irony."

Article 6 - Sometimes your words just hynotize me.

Article 7 - With all the crap going on in baseball, it's good to know there are still some good guys left. Touching article.

And for our last piece of business, we'll turn it over to America's newest psychotic sweethearts for a little baseball commentary.
Jekyll: Well Mr. Hyde, looks like you were right about Raffy yesterday. He cancelled his own ceremony. Did it like a man, just like you said.
Hyde: You had doubts? About me? Being right? I'm always right. I know who the leader is on this team. These personalities. I'm who the readers come to read. You revolve around me.
Jekyll: So now you're going Gary Sheffield on us?
Hyde: No, I'm just joking. He wasn't. What a jackass. There's a way to get NY fans on your side. That ain't it.
Jekyll: So what does Shef do? Pull a Ray Lewis and shoot somebody? Your words, not mine.
Hyde: Stab, maybe. Not shoot. This is New York.
Jekyll: How poignant.

Pardon the Schizophrenia

Since there's never 'just one side' to an issue, I'm allowing my split personalities to take over this column for today, "PTI" style. As I see it, there's no other way. (And yes, I'm aware that schizophrenia and split personality disorder are two different things).

Topic: Rafael Palmeiro's Hall of Fame status
Jekyll: Steroids weren't even illegal in the big leagues until this past year.
Hyde: They're illegal in the United States. What more do you need?
Jekyll: Even Canseco said there's no way to judge how much a player improves by taking steroids. Until we can measure that, how can we even say "tainted?"
Hyde: Fine, then give Ben Johnson his Gold Medal back.
Jekyll: It was illegal in the IOC then. Plus, who knows how many pitchers were juicing? Baseball's action against him shouldn't warrant an exclusion from the HOF. If they only see fit to sit him out 10 games, what's the big deal?
Hyde: Because if Selig could, he'd impose tougher rules, but the player's association won't let him. Although, now that you mention pitchers, Gaylord Perry was an admitted cheater and he's in.
Jekyll: Do you think the Oriole's should cancel the planned day in Raffy's honor?
Hyde: No. Raffy should cancel it himself. Be a man about it.
Jekyll: What does Palmeiro have to do to reconcile with the fans?
Hyde: Shoot somebody.
Jekyll: What?
Hyde: Worked for Ray Lewis.

Topic: NFL Training Camp Holdouts
Hyde: Buncha whining overpaid babies. Go play the game you supposedly love to play and shut up about it.
Jekyll: Football isn't baseball. NFL contracts aren't guaranteed. Owners can cut a player without compensating them a dime. Why shouldn't players have a retaliatory action?
Hyde: They should. They should absolutely be able to renegotiate, but not by holding out. It sends the wrong message to the fans. If you're proving you're worth more money, you need to prove that on the field, not through the press. Unless you're Terrell Owens.
Jekyll: What do you have against Owens?
Hyde: Nothing, I just hope he gets run over by a bus, that's all.
Jekyll: You don't think the Eagles need him?
Hyde: Playoffs last year: 2-0 without him, 0-1 with him.

Topic: Peter Forsberg makes the Flyers Cup favorites this season
Jekyll: Forsberg makes anybody the Cup favorite.
Hyde: They're already over their cap. They're going to have to cut somebody, and that's going to mean a loss to the team.
Jekyll: Yeah but who else is there?
Hyde: Colorado's in it. Calgary's way up there. And did you forget about the defending champs?
Jekyll: I'll only include Tampa Bay if they get Khabibulin back. Without him, they're average.
Hyde: You're.... average. How about Edmonton?
Jekyll: Contenders. You like Detroit this year?
Hyde: Please.

Topic: Jockey Day retires after 32 years
Jekyll: Horse racing isn't a sport. Jockeys aren't athletes.
Hyde: Couldn't agree more. Next topic.


Topic: The Columbus Blue Jackets have the ugliest jerseys in the NHL
Jekyll: Adam Foote went from Colorado to Columbus, making the biggest decline in jersey-attractiveness possible. The Av's jerseys are striking. The Blue Jackets look like a circus.
Hyde: Not as ugly as those old Phoenix jerseys.
Jekyll: We're talking current here.
Hyde: Then I'm going with Atlanta as ugliest... but Columbus is close. By the way, those alternate Avs jerseys are just a cheap rip-off of the Rangers.
Jekyll: That wasn't necessary.
Hyde: Says you.

Topic: You excited about the new X-Box 360?
Hyde: Not for 300 bucks.
Jekyll: I'm a PS2 guy, myself.

Topic: Is Anna Nicole Smith still hot?
Hyde: Yes.
Jekyll: What?!? Are you on drugs?
Hyde: Several. But what can I say, I'm a boob guy.
Jekyll: You're something all right. I'll take Mandy Moore over her any day.
Hyde: What is it with you and that girl?
Jekyll: Only reason I'm watching 'Entourage' this season.

With a Capital S

Albany, NY.

Capital of the state of New York. Home to The Egg, the River Rats, Interstates 90 and 87 (yeah, that's right-- we got 2), and the Giants Training Camp. Among other things.

And now, the home of the hottest sex scandal in the country involving Catholic schoolboys. Except now there's a twist-- the sex was with a female (article here).

Not only has the story gained local attention, but the fact that it's gained National attention has gained local attention (slow news day).

It's going to be a long, hot summer here in upstate NY.

Fantasy Draft

One of the main sticking points of the NFL's Madden franchise for the X-Box and PS2 is the 'owner mode,' whereby you draft your team from a pool of every available player in the entire league, simultaneously acting as owner, president, general manager, coach, quarterback, staff sargeant, waterboy and fire marshall. The world is your oyster as you start your own team from scratch. Some have posited that this should be a national day off for men-- kind of a yearly occurrence that makes up for never having the privilege of maternity leave.

Essentially this is what's happening in the NHL right now. 400+ free-agents all vying for their own slice of a salary-capped pie in a brand new untested market. Conventional wisdom (i.e. my own) tells you, as a player, to act soon, before teams fill up their cap room. Waiting until the market sets itself could mean a substantial paycut and/or a ticket to play in a hockey dead zone like Nashville. Yes, that's right, Nashville. God I hate saying that. (Author's note: I am not in any way saying Nashville in itself is a bad city, I'm just saying that as a choice for a professional hockey team, well... it's kind of like putting a roulette wheel in a monastery-- it just doesn't fit with the culture).

Some teams around the league had as few as 4 players under contract for the upcoming season (for all you hockey newcomers, pro teams carry between 20 and 25 players, so that leaves a fairly substantial gap to fill). Mind you, this isn't just former NHL'ers looking to extend or get a new contract. This includes the last 3 draft classes, minor leaguers, and the myriad players in overseas leagues (mostly in Europe) who've established themselves this past year playing against 'real' NHL stalwarts. And even if a player had been under contract for the 05-06 season, their respective teams had the option of buying out those contracts, freeing up cap-room and giving those guys their walking papers. Yikes.

So while companies like Cingular and Verizon should be making a killing with the NHL execs' abused 'anytime minutes,' fans get to sit back and quite literally watch their favorite teams get built from the ground up. Large market, big spending teams like Detroit and Toronto watch next year's Cup chances float away as their veterans leave for greener pastures. Small market, small spending teams like Atlanta get to lure free agents with their extra cap room, blending pricey talent with a young, inexpensive (yet inexperienced) core. And large market, foolish spending teams like New York get a much needed mulligan on the last ten years and can finally start their rebuilding effort. Thank God.

The signing period began Monday, 8/1 and already the big names are starting to sign. Nieuwendyk and Gary Roberts in Florida. Glen Murray resigns with Boston. Holik to Atlanta (best move so far with guys like Kovalchuk and Heatly already there). Blueliner Foote's now a Bluejacket. Philly signed three 6-foot-5 defensemen (Hatcher, Therien and Rathje) in an apparent move to bring back the glory days of the Broadstreet Bullies. And if you've been trying to follow the moves on ESPN.com, just stop now and go to their Canadian counterpart, TSN.ca. Don't ask questions just trust me.

And for all you on-the-fencers out there who have even the slightest inkling of following hockey this season-- play the fantasy leagues. You're not going to find much front-page news or televised game coverage this season, but if you're in a fantasy league, it'll track you down instead. The good ones (like Yahoo!) are free. You've got nothing to lose except productivity at work. And frankly, who's going to miss that? You're already wasting time by reading blogs (Author's note: This does not in any way mean that you should stop reading blogs... especially this one).

The Atkins Funeral

I'm glad that most of us survived the fad known as Atkins. The low-carb thing had run its course a long, long time ago, and its burial is a great relief to "the rest of us." So while we're currently inbetween diet crazes, I'd just like to share the one thought I had through the entire anti-bread rage of 2004.

Robert Atkins, pioneer of the diet bearing his name, died before he could realize the riches of his idea. He died because of severe head trauma suffered when he slipped on an icy patch on a city sidewalk. Let that sink in for a moment. It wasn't because of cholesterol, diet, or anything like that. It was a sidewalk.

Sure, there's a lot to be said about getting your exercise and living healthy. When your body's healthy, your mind follows, and I'm a firm believer in an active lifestyle. But you don't have to hurl yourself into every diet that comes around. Live life. Don't subject yourself to the throes of some silly fad, just because of some magazine advertisement. You just never know when your next step will hit the icy patch.

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