Performance Enhancers

I have a confession.

I feel like now is the appropriate time to come out with this information, now that the steroid scandal in baseball has people across the country talking about chemical enhancements. And I have to say, I'm sympathizing with Mr. Palmeiro on this one.

I am not a professional athlete. I program computers for a living. I work in a field that does not require muscular fortitude. Rather, it requires a sharp and advanced mind. Hulking biceps and overgrown quads won't help me much. Superior intellect will.

About a year ago, I learned that my company would be handing out promotions to a few select employees. Luckily, the promotions weren't being granted for office-politic-ass-kissing, they were based strictly on merit. I was level with a group of a number of peers, only some of which would be upped to senior level in the coming months. I needed an edge. I needed to stand out. My career, my wallet, all depended on the promotion. I decided then to make the same choice many star athletes made, but instead of physique-expanding, my variety was mind-expanding.

To my knowledge these supplements came from South America, although new research into the topic suggests Western Canada as a possibility as well. Hell, for all I knew, they could have been grown in some frat-house attic. I didn't care. I needed to expand.

It was easier than steroids. No injections necessary. No visible marks. Inhale, exhale, it was that simple. I had a friend of mine show me the ropes, but after a few times, I was flying solo. I didn't need any help.

I began a regiment starting on weekends, mostly late on Friday nights, but it soon expanded into the week. Before I knew it, I was augmenting my cerebral cortex three, maybe four times a week. My bosses noticed a difference. Not only was I performing better than in the past, but I was also able to take on multiple tasks at once. My confidence was through the roof. Work was fun again. I was approaching a .400 completion average on projects, a number unheard of for computer programmers. The best guys at Microsoft finish maybe 30, 35%, and here I was putting that to shame.

But I wasn't the only one. Whispers were going around the cubicles that a guy at one of our rival companies was making a run at Linus Torvalds' hallowed single season record. It was ridiculous. Guys weren't just finishing crosswords at an unheard of rate, they were taking D&D characters to new levels, putting Easter eggs into every software program, even hiding graphic sex scenes in video games. All the old standards were being crushed.

Needless to say, I got the promotion at work. Nobody was suspicious, I was young and maturing into a productive worker. My stats from college showed promise years back, so it wasn't like some new development. Some of the older folks mumbled that I might be the next superstar. The ceiling was off.

I never thought what I did was wrong. The company's policy was excruciatingly lax, and failed to mention anything about performance enhancers. In hindsight it may have been odd, since even places like Burger King test for that stuff, but if I wasn't getting caught, what was to stop me? Maybe it would come up down the road, maybe I'd register a positive test some years in the future... but come on. Our president was asked about it once, and he vehemently denied the effects of the supplements. "I didn't inhale," he said. Give me a break. If he never expanded his mind, there's no way he would have landed in that office. No way.

I just want to make it clear that I don't consider myself a role model. I don't want kids following the path I took. At least not until college. They should start with computers the old-fashioned way-- by avoiding social contact and failing at sports. But I don't regret a thing. I saw a loophole in the system and I took it. It's that simple.

So where am I now? I cut back once I landed the larger contract. There wasn't a need to keep pushing the limits of my brain when a guaranteed payday was already in my lap. But that doesn't mean I stopped. You could be the best programmer in the world, but there's always going to be some punk kid trying to knock you off your throne. And that's why I keep at it. I stay in the game, I keep my mind in shape. I'm not as young as I used to be, but if I can keep just a little of that edge, I'll smoke it every time.

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