It's Housewife Hell Week - NFL Picks Week 12

Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Sunday again. No more than two full days between football games. How many ways can you spell domestic neglect?

Anyway, we've come to a critical juncture in the season. Not so much that the playoff hopes of some teams have faded into fantasy, but the time of year where every sports writer in America has managed to overkill the Vikings' "Love Boat" thing. I mean, come on, give it a rest. Every column, every reference, we get it already!! Let's not beat a dead horse here, folks. At least make an attempt at originality.

That being said, let's move straight on to the picks.

Thanksgiving Day Games
ATLANTA at Detroit (+3)
The reason the Lions are only giving three points here is twofold. First, the Falcons have played two really crappy games in a row where their defense has apparently been siphoning schemes from the Houston Texans' playbook. Second, the Lions haven't named a starting quarterback yet, which means there's a chance that Joey Harrington won't be playing-- which would be good.
Either way, it's important to remember that the Lions suck.
S-U: Atlanta
Spread: Atlanta
Final: ATL 27 DET 7. But did you see the TD catch Roy Williams had? Nice.

DENVER at Dallas (+2.5)
It's only a few steps from crazy to think that the Cowboys would lose at home on Thanksgiving. But then, it's about the same sanity level to think that the Broncos would lose at all these days, what with Jake Plummer's miraculous transmogrification into Tom Brady.
This should be a very close game.
And has anybody noticed the prevailing rodeo theme here? Is it just me?
S-U: Denver
Spread: Denlas. Ok fine, Dalver. Broncboys? Cowcos? Screw it I'll take Denver.
Final: DEN 24 DAL 21 OT. After all those 1 point spread losses, it's about time I got a half-point win.

Sunday Games
Baltimore at CINCINATTI (-9)
The Bengals should be looking to make a statement after the loss to Indy last week. That statement is "We're definitely in the top of the second tier of good football teams."
S-U: Cincy
Spread: Cincy
Final: BAL 29 CIN 42

CAROLINA at Buffalo (+4)
Two weeks ago, Buffalo beats KC and Carolina takes out the Jets. Last week, both teams get killed. The difference? Right, home field advantage. I'm tempted to pick the Bills here. I won't, but I'm tempted.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Buffalo
Final: CAR 13 BUF 9. This is why I like half-point spreads. You can't tie. I hate ties.

Chicago at TAMPA BAY (-3)
I think this means that people are taking Tampa seriously again. Doesn't that indicate it's time for another fall?
S-U: Bears
Spread: Bears
Final: CHI 13 TB 10

Cleveland at MINNESOTA (-4)
I hate the fucking Vikings.
S-U: Minnesota
Spread: Minnesota
Final: CLE 12 MIN 24

New England at KANSAS CITY (-3)
Can you really count out the Patriots when you're getting close to playoff time? This game seems like a trap to me. I feel like Belichick has been secretly formulating plays for games like this in an underground bunker impervious to nuclear attacks. NORAD is like an amusement park compared to this guy.
S-U: Pats
Spread: Pats
Final: NE 16 KC 26

SAN DIEGO at Washington (+3)
Speaking of teams fighting for a playoff spot...
S-U: San Diego
Spread: San Diego
Final: SD 23 WAS 17 OT. Phew. Close one.

San Francisco at TENNESSEE (-7)
So, the Niners lose a heartbreaker on a failed 2-point conversion to the playoff-bound Seahawks, and now they're getting a full touchdown from the lowly Titans? Is this like the Miami game last week where something obvious went completely over my head? I know the Titans played a good game last week too, but 7 points?
S-U: Titans
Spread: Niners
Final: SF 22 TEN 33

ST LOUIS at Houston (+3.5)
Call me crazy, but this might just be Houston's opportunity to win a game. At home against a messed-up Rams team. Of course, the Rams played against an amped-up Kurt Warner while Houston is featuring a bandaged-up David Carr.
Screw it, I'm going with the upset.
S-U: Texans
Spread: Texans
Final: STL 33 HOU 27 OT. What a way to lose that one.

JACKSONVILLE at Arizona (+3.5)
Nah, Zona won't win 2 weeks in a row.
S-U: Jax
Spread: Jax
Final: JAX 24 ARI 17

Miami at OAKLAND (-7)
Yawn.
S-U: Oakland
Spread: Oakland
Final: MIA 33 OAK 21. What?!?

Green Bay at PHILLY (-4.5)
So is this the week that the Eagles finally pull one out or is this the week that the Packers decide to play like a professional football team?
Well?
S-U: Eagles
Spread: Eagles
Final: GB 14 PHI 19. Phew, won that spread by a half point.

New York Giants at SEATTLE (-5)
Two solid teams. Two of the top 3 running backs in the entire league. This should be a great game.
S-U: Hawks
Spread: Giants
Final: NYG 21 SEA 24 JF 0 OT. That third team is Jay Feely, who was an incredible loser today.

New Orleans at NEW YORK JETS (-1)
My question to the NFL is "Why?" Why should games like this even be played? Why? There's absolutely no reason for it. None whatsoever. This is an outrage.
S-U: Jets
Spread: Jets
Final: NO 21 NYJ 19. If I had said, "Raise your hand if you watched this game" or "Raise your hand if you support the legalization of triple homicide" I would see exactly the same number of raised hands.

Monday Night Madness
Pittsburgh at INDY (-9)
If you're wondering why I always say 'Indy' and never spell out the full name of the city, it's because I'm far too lazy to type it. There. I said it. I confessed. Are you happy now?
Oh, and uh... Colts win. But not by a lot.
S-U: Colts
Spread: Steelers
Over/Under (47): Under
Final: PIT 7 IND 26

Final Tally:
This week- Straight-Up 12-4, Spread 9-6-1
Season- Straight-Up: 32-14, Spread: 26-19-1

This Pigskin is Not Kosher - Week 11

This is a quiz to test your NFL knowledge.
When did you first hear about Samkon Gado?
A) I've known about him longer than 3 weeks
B) When the news broke he was Green Bay's starting running back
C) After last week's 3 touchdown performance
D) 12 seconds ago when you mentioned his name in this question

If you answered A, you are biologically related to Samkon Gado.

A response of B means that you are a very astute Green Bay fan or an obsessive fantasy football addict.

Choosing C tells me that you're a casual NFL fan who probably watches SportsCenter.

D just means you're along for the ride.

But these are the types of things happening by Week 11, guys named Samkon Gado are making headlines about playoff hopes. Just when you think you know how a team's going to do, you have one scoring on an interception, kickoff and punt return-- which constitute their only touchdowns of the game.

Makes this week's picks tougher than they seem. Oh well. Last week's record was 10-4 straight up and 8-6 against the spread (including two narrow one-point losses).

JACKSONVILLE at Tennessee (+4)
The Jaguars might finally be coming together, putting up 30 on a solid Ravens defense last week. That they only let in 3 might be misleading, as the Ravens offense has the potency of a 79 year-old prostate surgery outpatient.
Straight-Up: Jax
Spread: Jax
Final: JAX 31 TEN 28. Another one point spread loss? Damn.

Miami at CLEVELAND (-2)
The Dolphins might be without their starting QB this week. Which shouldn't really mean much because he doesn't do much when he's in the game anyway. They have two solid, underworked running backs who should be able to poke holes in Cleveland's defense.
And did I miss something? The Fins played tough against the defending champs last week, while the Browns were clobbered in Pittsburgh while their leading rusher was held to under 60 yards and their defense couldn't manage an interception against 2 crappy backup quarterbacks. So why are the Browns giving points here?
Whatever.
Straight-Up: Miami
Spread: Miami
Final: MIA 0 CLE 22. Apparently, I did miss something. And a lot of it at that.

New Orleans at NEW ENGLAND (-9)
This is a game New England wins, but I have this nagging feeling that the Saints are looming as a spread spoiler in this game. They're coming off a bye week, while the Patriots are coming off a hard faught game in Miami. The Saints have lost by 49 against Green Bay but by slim margins against Chicago and Atlanta, two playoff teams.
Straight-Up: New England
Spread: New Orleans
Final: NO 17 NE 24. Good call. Good call.

Oakland at WASHINGTON (-6)
Again, should be an easy game to call, but with the Skins giving up 6 points? Yikes. I mean, Oakland's not exactly satisfying Raider nation lately with the team running Kerry Collins out of town (as everybody in New York and Carolina already knew to do) and Randy Moss hampered by injuries and an apparent tightness of the lip that's developed in the Northern California air. But then again, the Redskins have given up 36 points in two of the last three games.
Straight-Up: Washington
Spread: Washington
Final: OAK 16 WAS 13. I knew this whole Redskins playoff talk was a hoax.

Philadelphia at NEW YORK GIANTS (-7)
Ooooooh, a big NFC East showdown. If Tom Coughlin beats some sense into the Giants special teams unit, they should be able to snap back and handle the floundering Eagles. Philly currently has no offense to speak of.
Straight-Up: Giants
Spread: Giants
Final: PHI 17 NYG 27. Brings the NFC East race down to two teams.

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (-6)
You know what, I'm just going to go ahead and predict a huge upset here. I'm going for it. Right now. Watch me.
Straight-Up: Bucs
Spread: Bucs
Final: TB 30 ATL 27. Nice.

Arizona at ST LOUIS (-9.5)
St Louis is not a good team. So the spread should tell you something about Arizona's hopes right now. I think Kurt Warner might have a nice return in the dome though.
Straight-Up: Rams
Spread: Cards
Final: ARI 38 STL 28. Just to recap for bookies, this counts as a 19.5 point loss for the Rams.

CAROLINA at Chicago (+2.5)
If the weather in the Windy City is anything like last week, this is bound to be another low-scoring game. By the way, if you were keeping score, the Bears' offense scored one touchdown in that game. The two teams combined for four field goals, none longer than 37 yards. Nice day for Adrian Peterson though (120 yds, 1 TD).
And should anybody be worried about Carolina's 220 total yards on offense last week? In Carolina?
Straight-Up: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: CAR 3 CHI 13. The answer to my question there was 'Yes. Yes, everybody should be worried.'

Detroit at DALLAS (-7.5)
Why? Because Joey Harringon always does well against the Cardinals, that's why. So there's plenty of reason to doubt him on the road in big D this week. Of course, Dallas has had just two games this year separated by more than 6 points.
Straight-Up: Dallas
Spread: Dallas
Final: DET 7 DAL 20

PITTSBURGH at Baltimore (+3.5)
Hmm... Tommy Maddox as an NFL quarterback... sounds familiar, but the idea hasn't crossed anybody's mind in years. And that includes the one start he's had this year.
On the other hand, rumor has it that Baltimore season ticket holders are selling their seats this week in protest to their team's ugly performance, meaning Pitt might have a home away from home for a tough divisional game.
Not that any of that should matter. Pitt's running game is what we should be focused on here.
Straight-Up: Pittsburgh
Spread: Pittsburgh
Final: PIT 13 BAL 16 OT. When does Big Ben come back?

SEATTLE at San Francisco (-12.5)
Is Seattle for real? Like, really real? I still can't tell. We know they can run the ball, but what's left after that? And yet, they keep on winning.
I'm not betting the spread against San Fran two weeks in a row, they're too unpredictable. Not that they'd win though.
Straight-Up: Seattle
Spread: San Fran
Final: SEA 27 SF 25.

Buffalo at SAN DIEGO (-11)
Aside from big wins against NY and NE, the Chargers haven't really been blowing teams out of the water like they should. They've turned into more of a gritty run team than last year, when they had a full compliment of a passing game. Brees doesn't seem as motivated this year to do anything other than let LT run it. A wide receiver has been tops in reception yardage just twice in 9 games.
And the Bills played a pretty good game last week.
Straight-Up: San Diego
Spread: Buffalo
Final: BUF 10 SD 48. A real nail biter.

New York Jets at DENVER (-13.5)
Um... yeah. Sure. I'll go with that.
Straight-Up: Denver
Spread: Denver
Final: NYJ 0 DEN 27

INDY at Cincinnatti (+5.5)
Do I think the Colts can turn it up a few notches tonight to top an over-achieving Bengals team? Yes, I do.
Although I really wouldn't be surprised if this turned into an upset either. Coin flip time.
Straight-Up: Indy
Spread: Indy
Final: IND 45 CIN 37

KANSAS CITY at Houston (+6.5)
Am I done with these yet? What? One more game after this?
Straight-Up: KC
Spread: KC
Final: KC 45 HOU 17

Minnesota at GREEN BAY (-4.5)
I've been incredibly persistent in guessing incorrectly on Minnesota all year. I actually think they have a chance against Green Bay though. Which means I'm betting the Packers.
Straight-Up: Green Bay
Spread: Green Bay
Final: MIN 20 GB 17. Damn damn damn.

The week's tally:
Straight-Up: 10-6
Against the spread: 9-7
On the season:
SU: 20-10
Spread: 17-13

Saturday Night Chills

On an otherwise lazy Saturday, I got a call from one of my buddies and fellow hockey players (YMCA league here in Albany) asking what my plans were for the evening. "Well," I started, "basically Jack Shit. Why?"

"Hockey tonight. Rats are playing. I got extra tickets for a luxury suite."

And without even a nanosecond of forethought, I answered, "I'm in."

Sure, New York has its fair share of NHL teams. Three to be exact (remember folks, Buffalo still counts as NY). So it's not exactly like we're hurting for pro sports in that department. But on the other hand, it necessitates at least a 3 hour drive to get to those places (5 for the Sabres), so suffice to say it's nice to have something closer.

That's where the River Rats come in. Minor league hockey, baby. Minor League.

The Rats are the AHL affiliate of the New Jersey Devils (the AHL is roughly the AAA of hockey, one step away from the bigs). Jerseys are very similar. In fact, you'll even catch a dozen Devils jerseys among the 86 fans who happen to show up to these games.

The AHL, by the way, is a beatiful league in that it has teams called the River Rats. Not to mention the Lock Monsters, the Marlies (must be a Canadian thing), the Rampage and not one but two teams named the Admirals. I can't wait until the Rats announce their last year in Albany, just so I can buy a few jerseys to show my future grandkids, "Yes, we actually had a team called 'the River Rats.' And no, this isn't another one of grandpa's Alzheimers episodes." Where else can you find this stuff?

Anyway, there were eight of us there; four gals, four guys. Clearly, the game itself is secondary to the game experience when you're at an AHL game-- especially in the luxury boxes-- so the conversation tends to stray from the on-ice action every now and then. One of the girls in our group used to play hockey at some level -- yes, ice hockey-- which led to a slew of sexist, offensive and inevitably hysterical comments regarding women's ice hockey such as these:

- Is there such thing as 'shooting like a girl'?

- I didn't know they made a high-heeled skate.

- Do they ever stop the game because of cramps?

And, my personal favorite, which unfortunately I can't take credit for:
- Do you ever have to go back in the locker room to change because you're all wearing the same thing?

Yep, it's minor league hockey at its best. Always a good time. And the seats were free, too.

You know, speaking of that game, I never did catch the final score. I wonder if they have that online.

Some NHL Notes, While We're on the Topic
- Bad couple of days to be a Fedorov. The family once famous for dating Anna Kournikova (back before this whole MoleMan marriage thing) had a two-fold run of bad luck. Fedor, the younger brother who plays for the Rangers, was reportedly punched at a Tampa Bay night club and had to miss the most recent game against the Leafs.
Sergei, the good brother, was recently traded from Anaheim to the NHL's version of purgatory otherwise known as Columbus. Ouch, man. My sympathies.
I use the term purgatory because it's not really 'hell' in so many words. See, you still get to play hockey in Columbus, you just never win. It's not unlike Sisyphus in that sort of warped tragic Greek humor. I guess technically that is hell for the Greeks, but I'm trying to be fair to the people of Columbus, who clearly love their hockey... kind of.

Mongo Only Pawn, In Game of Life...

If the title of this post looks oddly familiar, it could be one of two things:
1) You're one of the two people to whom I sent this exact same quote no more than a few days ago or
2) You've seen the movie Blazing Saddles enough times that you've memorized Rockridge's entire church hymn, can pick out the scenes added for TV from the original movie, and can recite the entire campfire dialogue after downing a few cans of refried beans.

Either way, I'll explain myself. See, a few of the people I've met through this channel of deranged amusement (i.e. the blog) are having a He Said / She Said advice column coming up, moderated by yours truly. Alison and Scott will be the ones doling out the sagacious data packets of wisdom. It should be fairly obvious who's doing which gender perspective.

As to ensure that neither of these modern-day Ann Landerses get a head start or god-forbid do their homework on these, I'll be collecting the questions from the general public (that means you) and dispensing them to both the appropriate parties at the exact same frozen instant in time. So if you've got a question for either of these gurus, just send it here to: stoutlager@gmail.com .

Quicker Monday Notes

Author's note: This article has been updated since it was first posted.

Some more abstract thoughts today.

- For all of you who thought I was a little tough on Brian Baldinger, the color commentator, in yesterday's post, just know that in my head, I wasn't near tough enough. That was restraint you saw. (And I do speak from experience here, because I used to do color commentary for ECAC hockey games in college).

- OK, it was funny when they did it on Entourage because the idea was so lame. But now the WB, yes, the mother network of all failures, is launching Aquaman. Yes, it's real.

- Could not stop laughing while reading this article. I know this is two HBO references in a row, but you have to give credit to Ali G, he's a genius in his own right.
By the way, if you're getting a little antsy for the third season, he's got some clips up on this site doing some commercials for the NBA on TNT. The ones with Steve Nash are particularly funny.

- Lastly, I ran into this running series of articles from Kevin Sites, who has been stationed with troops in Iraq. No matter what your stance on the war, or if you think Sites is pushing some kind of agenda, it should be read. Sites tries to bring in the more human side of it all.

Update below

Sorry, two more TV notes while I'm here:
- Finally caught an epsisode of The Boondocks on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming. Excellent show.
It's from creator Aaron McGruder, who you should know as the man who brought color to the Sunday comics in recent years. McGruder's often incendiary political views mesh well in cartoon form, and (quite obviously) gets a lot more room for creativity and lewdness in his half hour spot. Highly entertaining, and a welcome break from the other stoner culture that appears on that channel (not that I'm saying that's bad, mind you). I hope it catches an audience.

- But as for shows who haven't caught an audience, I'm bidding a fond farewell to Arrested Development, which was inevitably cancelled by the fuck-ups who run the FOX network. Far be it for them to air side splitting and original humor when they're up against such classics as Still Standing and According to Jim. Really, FOX, another job well done. Obviously you learned so much from Family Guy, a quirky show with a niche but salivatingly loyal audience of young professional males. God damn it I hate that network.
Speaking of which, when does the online petition start to get this show picked up on another station?

Quick Sunday Notes

Some quick thoughts on Sunday's games. Post may be updated throughout the afternoon.

12:15 PM: I just came to the screeching realization that my fantasy team was starting two Miami Dolphins this week. That was quickly remedied.

12:40 PM: I think all female sportscasters can take a lesson from Pam Oliver. As I was suffering through a typically brutal performance by the FOX pre-game show (Terry Bradshaw makes me vomit in my mouth), they cut away to Oliver's report on the Chicago Bears.
Oliver was interviewing defensive coordinator Ron Rivera, a member of the famous shuffling '85 Super Bowl champs, and asked him about what he learned from his various coaches. Rivera rattled off a few names and what they meant to him, nothing groundbreaking. When he was finished, Oliver asks, "Did you accidentally leave out Buddy Ryan?"
Rivera pauses, smiles and replies, "No."
High comedy.
See, this tells me two things: 1) Pam Oliver knows her football damn well and 2) She's not afraid to ask good interview questions. That question was amazing. It was perfect. I was in awe.
Later, she asks head coach Lovie Smith, in sort of a backhanded insulting kind of way, whether his Super Bowl hopes were realistic. Had him on his heels, at least for a second. Again, great question.
The problem with most female sports reporters is that they're there simply for curb appeal. How many times can you say you've heard actual information come out of their mouths? Like when a linebacker goes down with a blown knee, the announcers go to the sidelines just to hear, "Well, Al, it looks like Smith really hurt his knee on that play. But he did get up and walk off the field." Oh, really? Thanks. Because I didn't just see that. Thank you so much for that insight.
In interviews, you'll hear the whole book of lame cliches, such as, "Coach, how much does this win mean to you?" and "Did you need extra motivation for this game?" It's aggravating. Either everybody knows the answer or nobody cares, and the coaches are usually condescendingly dismissive, and with good reason. They suck.
So kudos to Pam. And that's sincere. Maybe networks can take a lesson from her. You know, a lesson like, maybe you should hire a reporter based on talent, not just her ability to repeat vacant observations.

2:30 PM: Brian Baldinger, the FOX color commentator for the Giants - Vikings game, is truly awful. Just wretched.
Baldinger on the Vikes offense in the first half: "They haven't even attempted a pass downfield." Actually, Brian, they had several attempts. One of the Giants even got injured on a play. You said something lame at the time. Really, you were there. I swear.
Baldinger on Koren Robinson: "Nobody has ever questioned his talent." Really, Brian? You mean, after dropping all those passes in Seattle to the point that he was run out of town? Nobody questioned him then? Interesting.

3:14 PM: I waffled at about noon today on whether to start Corey Dillon or Ronnie Brown on my fantasy team. I went with Brown. Dillon was injured on the first play of the game and hasn't returned. Phew.

4:30 PM: Just an update on my earlier malaise on starting two Dolphins today. Apparently I was wrong, since Chris Chambers (on my bench this week) had 70 yards and two scores. Can somebody please tell Gus Frerotte to send out a memo when he's about to do something like this? Some weeks the guy plays left-handed, and other weeks he does this. Jackass.

Coming Clean on NFL Picks

I've decided to ditch the whole split-personality thing, if only for the fact that I thought it was a gimmick I didn't feel like doing this week. And besides, I was always picking through Hyde anyway, so what's the use.

That being said, I'm picking all games both straight-up and against the spread this week, so we'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

As always, home team listed second, favored team in CAPS.

Arizona at DETROIT (-3.5)
Potential for an upset this week as Joey Harrington lines up under center for the Lions. If you haven't been paying attention, this means imminent disaster, as all three top wideouts are playing hurt, and Joey Harrington is still calling himself 'Joey.' How old are we? Add to that the fact that the Lions' top rusher had 17 yards last week. That's right, in the whole game.
Still, Arizona isn't much better off, with a 2-6 record to show for an easy schedule. Sounds like Kurt Warner's going to be throwing today to only one healthy receiver. Still, he put up over 300 yards last week...
You know, it's games like this when I realize why I started the dual personality thing in the first place.
S-U: Detroit
Spread: Detroit
Final: ARI 21 DET 29.

Baltimore at JACKSONVILLE (-6.5)
You can still make a case for the Jags underachieving despite playing 2 games over .500. With Fred Taylor hurt, I don't see them making this a blowout.
Baltimore, on the other hand, is wildly underachieving with blistering success. A guy named Anthony Wright is acting as QB-- poorly, I might add-- and their once strong defense is riddled with injuries.
S-U: Jax
Spread: Ravens
Final: BAL 3 JAX 30

Houston at INDY (-17.5)
No, that's not a typo in the spread. Indy's coming off a huge moral victory at New England and all signs point to mailing this one in just enough to win it by 10. Houston is coming off a few not-that-shitty performances, albeit at home, but with Andre Johnson coming back from his injury, they should be able to cover the spread.
S-U: Colts (duh)
Spread: Texans
Final: HOU 17 IND 31

Kansas City at BUFFALO (-3)
I'm surprised the Bills are getting 3 points this week, since there's a pretty good chance they'll get killed. With Priest Holmes out for the year, the Chiefs will be playing with a well-rested Larry Johnson at tailback and a sub-par immitation of Trent Green throwing dump passes.
Of course, the Bills aren't out of the AFC East race by any means, and Willis McGahee might just be able to carry this team (at least, I hope so, because he's certainly carrying my fantasy team this week). Call this game my upset special.
S-U: KC
Spread: KC
Final: KC 3 BUF 14

Minnesota at NEW YORK GIANTS (-10)
Vikes are finally dusting the cobwebs off, peeling the rubbers off their foreheads and playing some football. Unfortunately for them, it's still pretty bad.
The Giants had a tough first half against San Fran last week but still ended up pulling off an 18 point victory, so expect them to carry that same momentum at home. Especially at home.
S-U: Giants
Spread: Giants
Final: MIN 24 NYG 21. This one hurt.

NEW ENGLAND at Miami (+3)
Playing against a solid Colts defense, the Pats still managed to pull off 21 points due to sheer determination. With a win this week they could take solid control of their division, even though they're missing 5 running backs and their entire secondary.
It makes you wonder if Hoody Bill discovered an ancient sarcophogus over the off-season and attracted some mummy's curse. What other logical explanation is there for the Patriots falling apart? Did Corey Dillon contract the ebola virus? Did the defensive backfield all pick up VD from a seedy Boston strip club? What's going on here?
Miami isn't any better, and a change at QB shouldn't do much good for them. Despite a fearsome running game, they shot themselves in the foot during a 7 point loss to Atlanta at home last week, and I doubt they'll be doing much better this week. I mean, if Michael Vick can put up 200 yards against this secondary, imagine what a fired-up Tom Brady can do.
(By the way, did you realize Ronnie Brown's on pace for 1200 yards this season?)
S-U: Pats
Spread: Pats
Final: NE 23 MIA 16

New York Jets at CAROLINA (-9)
That's funny.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: NYJ 3 CAR 30.

San Francisco at CHICAGO (-9)
I don't see the Bears' defense having any problems handling Cody Pickett in this one. If he only managed 2 field goal drives at home against the Giants last week, it's frightening to think what he'll do on the road. And not frightening in the good way.
Rookie QB Kyle Orton should be able to manage a few scores against an average defense. It's a big spread though.
S-U: Chicago
Spread: Chicago. Missed it by one stupid point. I knew that spread was too high.
Final: SF 9 CHI 17.
Post game note: Right before the game, the spread went to 13 for some reason, which I never would have picked against. I wish these things stayed static.

DENVER at Oakland (+3)
Come on, only three points? That surprises me. Denver's got a decent secondary that shouldn't have a problem covering Randy Moss-- if he even plays-- and their running game shouldn't find too many problems with a team that gave up 27 to KC last week.
S-U: Denver
Spread: Denver
Final: DEN 31 OAK 17.

Green Bay at ATLANTA (-9)
Yikes. Good luck, Pack. For a team that lost by 10 points at home to Charlie Batch, I think you've got your work cut out for you. Any truth to those TO rumors?
S-U: Atlanta
Spread: Atlanta
Final: GB 33 ATL 25. What the hell happened?z

St Louis at SEATTLE (-3.5)
The low spread against a banged up Rams team should tell you something about Seattle's 6-2 record. No, I'm not saying they're a bad team, but they might not be as good as some people think. Aside from Shaun Alexander, I mean.
On the other side, St Louis has scrapped together a 4-4 record despite losing 43 starters, their coach and a golden retriever to injuries. Now they've got Holt and Bruce back in the lineup and they're going to fight for a playoff spot. Still, the last two wins came in the dome against New Orleans and Jacksonville, neither of whom have a running back.
S-U: Hawks
Spread: Hawks
Final: STL 16 SEA 31.

Washington at Tampa Bay (0)
Even?!? Even!?!?!? What the hell are you talking about, even? How am I supposed to call the spread on an even game!??!
Buncha assholes.
S-U: Washington
Spread: Washington
Final: WAS 35 TB 36.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH (-8)
Yeah, right.
S-U: Pitt
Spread: Pitt
Final: CLE 21 PIT 34.

Monday Night Game
Dallas at PHILLY (-3)
Dallas won the first one this year at home, and now Philly is "free" of the distraction of having the game's top receiver. And why wasn't more support coming out of the locker room for McNabb? Granted, I think TO is the second largest piece of dog shit in the universe (1st place is his agent, Drew "Can I get a Spot on Ally McBeal" Rosenhaus), but you saw how these guys performed against the Skins at home last week. Do you really expect it to be any different?
And while I'm on the topic of the Eagles, let me just say this: The Eagles were 2-0 in the playoffs last year without Owens. Then he comes back for the big game, pretending he's heroic, when really he's a step slow and the Patriots were smart to leave him in single coverage. I'm pretty convinced that he and Belichick (why can't I ever spell that guy's name?) made some sort of evil pact where TO got to play the martyr and the Pats still got their rings. Everybody brings this up, this "sacrificed his career to play in the Super Bowl" bullshit. It's bullshit. It was clearly a selfish move and it possibly cost his team the title, I don't care how much McNabb was dry-heaving. What an ass.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
I hate the Eagles.
S-U: Dallas
Spread: Dallas
Final: DAL 21 PHI 20.

This week's record:
Straight up: 10-4
Against the spread: 8-6

Story Time... With Explosions

I was inspired recently. Well, maybe 'inspired' isn't really the word I'm looking for. It's more like 'reminded.'

I was reminded recently. (There, that's better). Reminded because of this post on Abra's blog which deals with a creative way to exterminate household pests. No, don't worry, no animals were harmed in the formation of this story. Just some tree stumps.

See, Albany is a fairly popular destination for the folks in Northern and Western NY (you know, everything north of The City), which means we get our fair share of rugged mountain folk from the surrounding highlands. Live in the city long enough, you end up becoming friends with a few of them. Mostly by accident.

A few of these friends can best be described as "assault rifle enthusiasts." They're completely normal people, they just happen to have high-powered semi-automatic weapons laying around the house (and for all of you who just gasped at that last statement, it's OK-- most of the time, at least from what I can tell, the safety is on).

I paid a visit to the childhood home of one of these friends once. There was probably a few dozen of us down there, mostly to grill out in the woods and throw down a few cases of cheap beer. Before the drinking started though, my buddy offered to go fire a few rounds in the woods near where we were staying. Perfectly safe, we were pointed downhill into a valley so there wasn't any chance of a stray bullet landing in somebody's abdomen. Thank god. I'm from the suburbs. This isn't exactly something I do everyday.

Actually, it's something I do pretty much never. But that was all to change.

I received a brief safety lesson-- which was rather difficult given that we were wearing the noise-reducing headphones-- and a live demonstration of the raw power of what turned out to be the same model firearm that the DC sniper used (and as an aside, I wasn't too sure I'd be telling people that if I were him... it seemed rather morbid and a little, well, inconsiderate... but I digress).

He set up a few logs about 50 yards away and started firing. Took about 3 shots to take the sucker completely down. I did the same thing, and after a few "warm-up" shots, accomplished the same feat. I found that the hours of playing "Duck Hunt" on the NES really payed off, which is pretty scary when you think about it.

Next, he set up a bunch of small boulders in the same spot. "Won't that ricochet?" I asked.

The look he gave me was somewhat of a cross between "What are you, retarded?" and "Just watch this shit... WOOOOOO!" I'm not sure how else to describe that look. I guess you had to be there. Well, moral of the story is, at that caliber, there was definitely no ricochet.

Hell, there wasn't even any rock by the time he pulled off 4 rounds.

The fun ended soon after that (ammo doesn't grow on trees, you know), so we went back to the party and helped tap the keg. At that point, all weapons were safely locked away.

I mean, we may be crazy. But we're not stupid.

Picks from the Dark Side, Week 9

Author's note: Due to the fact that my prescriptions haven't been refilled in quite some time, my NFL picks remain completely split once again.

Season Records:
Straight up: Jekyll 5-10, Hyde 9-6
Spread: Jekyll: 7-8, Hyde 7-8

Jekyll: Any more lessons learned from last week.
Hyde: Just one, this week. Just one.
Jekyll: Let me guess-- never bet against a team whose benevolent owner just passed away.
Hyde: Especially when they're playing at home.
Jekyll: So... are there any deaths to speak of this week?
Hyde: Only if you count Tom Benson's reputation.
Jekyll: Zing.

Philadelphia at WASHINGTON (-3)
Jekyll: I'm going to stick with the Eagles again this week.
Hyde: Wait. Let me get this straight. You're going with an Eagles team, on the road, missing their starting QB AND their starting receiver, Terrell "The Asshole" Owens.
Jekyll: Yep. An Eagles team that held LaDainian Tomlinson to 7 yards a few weeks ago- with their defense, and the way the Skins have been playing lately, all they'll need is 3 points. Akers can take care of that.
Hyde: So you're saying you think Washington's getting shut out two weeks in a row?
Jekyll: Yes. That's what I'm saying.
Hyde: Good luck with that, buddy.
Final: PHI 10 WAS 17, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread.

CAROLINA at Tampa Bay (+1)
Hyde: I like this Panthers team, they've been solid the last few weeks.
Jekyll: I can't stay away from Jon Gruden and Carnell "Cadillac" Williams.
Hyde: Cadillac. What a lame nickname. You're telling me they couldn't have come up with something better than that? A friggin car? You gonna call him Caddy?
Jekyll: Like you've got something better?
Hyde: Yes-- Carnell Knowledge.
Jekyll: Oh that is beautiful. I'm taking Tampa just because of that.
Final: CAR 34 TB 14, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread.

PITTSBURGH at Green Bay (+3)
Jekyll: The pride, the tradition, the fans of Lambeau field.
Hyde: The Steelers running game.
Jekyll: Come on, these guys have something to prove. Favre owes it to himself.
Hyde: Whatever, man, I don't bet against a team with three starting running backs. You know this.
Jekyll: What about that whole 'home team advantage' you always make a fuss about?
Hyde: I don't care. They have the defense, they have the running backs. They have this game. I don't care that Big Ben's out.
Jekyll: Ok, well you have your little fantasy there with Charlie Batch-- who owns the second longest active losing streak as a starter-- and I'll watch the lowly Pack finally win one at home.
Hyde: Deal. I'm just pissed because I have Hines Ward on my fantasy team.
Jekyll: Ouch, man. Ouch.
Final: PIT 20 GB 10, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread.

Tennessee at CLEVELAND (-2)
Hyde: Hey what's with these shitty games this week?
Jekyll: Is that a 'Browns' reference? Shitty? You're so mature.
Hyde: No, idiot, I just mean that none of these teams have any real legitimate shot at making the Super Bowl this year. Not even Philly, unless they cryogenically freeze McNabb until week 17.
Jekyll: True dat, homie. Nevertheless, I'm picking Cleveland here to finally get one at home.
Hyde: Fine, I'm going for the upset special, Steve McNair leading the Titans to a big W.
Jekyll: Enough said about this game?
Hyde: More like too much. Titans Browns. Ugh.
Final: TEN 14 CLE 20, Jekyll wins straight up, Jekyll wins spread.

Monday Night Madness
INDIANAPOLIS at New England (+3.5)
Jekyll: Finally, a worthwhile matchup.
Hyde: Well what did you expect? Like we're really going to disagree on a 10 point spread?
Jekyll: I know, I know. How do you like the champs in this game?
Hyde: Not good. Not good at all. They have 3 injured running backs and a banged up secondary. They got a big lift last week with the return of Teddy Bruschi.
Jekyll: Who should be called Teddy Football Game by now, by the way.
Hyde: Yes, that's fine, and the only thing going for them right now is a stud quarterback who's destined for a fall.
Jekyll: (GASP!) You mean?
Hyde: That's right, I'm picking the Colts.
Jekyll: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say gasp? I meant to say choke! Peyton Manning in Foxboro? That's like a fawn in the beams of a Hummer! That guy won't make 3 passes!
Hyde: You have your theories, I have mine.

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