Turkey

I always let myself get fooled into thinking that turkey (the poultry, not the country), which contains protein, will help me stay awake. However turkey also contains tryptophan, which makes you sleep. Guess which ingredient wins?
Protein is supposed to give you energy and build muscle tissue, but it takes a distant second to the tryptophan in turkey. Maybe the protein in turkey works by having a midget follow you around with a pick-axe and an air pump waiting for you to fall asleep after you order a turkey sandwich.
Hey, it could happen.

Author's note: I'm reading this post a day after the fact, and I feel it necessary to clarify that I was not, in fact, high when I wrote this. I swear.

Who is Jennifer Ellison?

I just saw news photos of Jennifer Ellison... whom I had no idea even existed until just today when she was prancing around in a bra and tight jeans. Wow.
Intrigued and in search of some possible soft-core porn, I Googled her and it led me straight to her website, where she is made up to be some sort of 21 year-old sexpot in Britain, but dumber. Possibly the cross-Atlantic equivalent of Britney Spears. Who knows, maybe she'll marry a redneck too.
The site is numbing. Here's a few quotes from her biography page:
"Jennifer’s philosophy is you can get what you want out of life if you really believe in yourself."
"I just had a dream and a manager who believes in me."

I'm speechless.
But seriously, who leaks a sex tape out first: Jennifer or Britney? I could do a whole series of blog postings on this topic, now that I think about it.

Christian Laettner and the Christian Laettner Theory

A co-worker of mine stopped by my desk today and told me that there was somebody famous taking physical therapy at the joint next door. Paraphrasing, she said "He flew in from Miami, I think he's a basketball player and my husband says he's only really famous for one thing, or one play, or something like that..."
"Christian Laettner?" I asked.
"Yeah! That's the guy!" she replied. I then proceeded to tell her about Duke vs. Kentucky, 1992, in the national championship semifinals, the OT shot, how not many people remember that Grant Hill inbounded that pass, the whole 9 yards. She wasn't impressed, but that didn't concern me. That shot, that arching fadeaway (swish) was the first truly memorable sports highlight of my life that I watched live. What a game.
If you had asked me yesterday what team Laettner played for right now, I either would have said the Minnesota Timberwolves or Duke. I had no clue. Apparently he's on the Heat. Good for him.

The whole point of this post though was to introduce what I have discovered to be the Christian Laettner theory, and goes like this: ask any guy between the ages of about 25 and 40 to name all 12 members of the 1992 USA Men's Olympic Basketball Team (aka The Original [and only] "Dream Team"). Most can get 4 or 5, some up to 10 or 11 and the odd person will give you all 12, but every single time they'll get Laettner. Why? The guy played what, 8 minutes that whole tournament? Answers usually go like this:
"Let's see, um, Jordan, Magic, Bird... Pippen... Laettner... uhhhh... was Barkley on that team?" and so forth. But Laettner's always there! ALWAYS!
And there you have the Christian Laettner theory.

Incidentally, since he's supposedly taking PT next door, if I ever see him you'd better believe I'm getting a picture with him. I'll post it, if it happens.

FYI: the other 6 guys from the Dream Team were: Robinson, Ewing, Malone, Stockton, Mullin and Drexler (most people don't remember Mullin, and nobody gets Drexler).

Salt 'n' Pepa

In case you don't follow VH1 news, they just announced the new cast for their Surreal Life franchise. Among the house guests (we'll ignore Jose Canseco for now) is Pepa from the late 80's/early 90's female rap duo Salt n Pepa (and Spinderella).
Really? Pepa?
Did they call Salt originally, only to have her turn down the part? I can't imagine that. What does Salt do these days anyway?
"Look, Pepa, you're our (muffled snickering) first choice on this project. We're all very (snort) excited to be working with a (louder snort) talent such as yourself."
In case you were confused, Pepa was the fat(ter) "blonde" one. They both peaked with that video with En Vogue (speaking of worthless ex-celebrities, please give a nice warm hand for En Vogue...). And if you don't remember Salt n Pepa OR En Vogue, then clearly you were not part of the generation of teenagers that used MTV's "The Grind" as low-grade pornography.

NFL: Richer Eagles?

It probably disgusts a lot of NFC East fans not on the Philly bandwagon that the Eagles, who were fortunate enough to play 3 full quarters in the Super Bowl in '05, have 5 draft picks in the first 3 rounds. Yikes.
Now, if you're a Giants, Cowboys or (God help you) Redskins fan, this is frightening. Those 3 teams are roughly on par with each other, and are going to have to claw it out for the wild-card spot again (not that this is particularly difficult these days in the NFC -- if you don't know what I mean, look up "St. Louis Rams" on Google). The G-Men only have 2 picks in the first 3 rounds after giving up their 1st rounder to San Diego for Eli Manning. This is only slightly better than the 'Boys, who don't even have a quarterback on their roster (unless you count Drew Bledsoe or Drew Henson-- more on him later). And then there's Joe Gibbs and the Redskins. Enough said.

Moving on, it must be tough to be Lee Suggs, or worse yet-- coach him. Here's a guy who was projected to be a top flight running back, and then he gets hurt in camp and has to split carries all year with Willie "My Grass Is" Green. Now the Browns are brining in one-year-wonder Reuben Droughns from Denver. How painful must it be to make that depth chart? That's like picking which one of your aunts you'd rather see naked-- just not something you want to do.

If the 49'ers were smarter, they'd trade their 1st rounder, along with the other 6 picks for cash, move the team to Mexico City and convince everybody that they were never the 49ers. This is the only option to turn this franchise around right now. Somewhere, Joe Montanta is crying in his Fruit of the Looms.

Stout-Lager - a.k.a. "The Beer Article"

Right, so in some of the e-mails I've been getting (always feel free to write, my address is at the top of the page), people ask "Why 'stoutlager'?"
Simple, really. More so if you're a beer fan.
One of the great aesthetic beauties in alcohol consumption is a properly poured Black & Tan, also in some areas called a Half & Half (although I'd think that would be confused with coffee creamer, but I digress).
There's a good article about it here.
In essence, a Black & Tan is a stout (thick dark beer, commonly Guinness) poured over a lager (lighter beer, Harp is common). The result is a black beer over a tan one, and there you have it.

Where can I get a Black & Tan?
Any good brewpub or tavern will make one for you. Some even have a special spoon for it. If you're not really into that scene (i.e. you're a woman), you can find one in the bottle: Saranac, Yuengling, and McSorley's all have decent brews available.
Myself, I'm a beer drinker. That means I don't drink Coors Light (not actual beer).

So are you one of those beer snobs?
Hell no. Just no Coors. Bud is fine, and I'm partial to Miller High Life (it's a college thing). I'm also a big fan of Labatts. You can appreciate a wider variety of choice without being snobbish towards one kind. Unless it's Coors Light.

What's the best beer you've had?
Ever? Who knows, I was probably drunk. My favorite draught beer is Smithwicks, from Ireland. Also, anything from the Rogue brewery (in Oregon) is gold-- they actually had chef Morimoto (from the Iron Chef) guest-brew a few of their beers. Come on, doesn't get much cooler than that. I'm actually surprised none of the mass-producers (A-Busch, Coors, Molson) has tried that move yet ("Budweiser Select -- Emerill spit in every 6-pack!")

I'm inclined to write a lot more about beer, my only real vice other than women and gambling, but for now I'll leave you with one line of advice: Real men don't drink Corona.

"Lois, everybody has their sanctuary-- Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket brewery." - Peter Griffin, Family Guy

MLB: Prior Convictions

Baseball
Is anybody else following the health of Mark Prior? Is anybody else getting that really sinking feeling about it?
If you're a Cubs fan, you should.
Here's a guy who, if the Cubs had given him ANY run support earlier in 2003, should have won 21 games (he won 18) and challenged, if not beaten, Eric Gagne for the Cy Young. He had the stuff-- the innings, the K's... but at 18-6 you can't beat a guy who saved 649 games in a row, even though relievers are at an amazing disadvantage in the Cy voting (as they should be).
So now he's showing elbow problems. Lingering elbow problems. He wasn't the same pitcher in '04 and we haven't seen anything promising out of him this spring except a whole slew of inflammation. This is not good.
Now, normally people shouldn't worry about this, but Cubs fans should. If Prior has a few more injury plagued seasons, there's good reason to think that the team would give up on him, only to have him land in a larger market with some monster contract he doesn't deserve... until he gets healthy and starts winning 22 games a year with 250 K's in 200 innings over 35 starts.
Remember, Prior is only 24 right now, he won't even be a quarter-centry old until August. There's no reason to think he can't turn it around, maybe even after surgery (even with the 2 year post-Tommy John waiting period now, he'd still only be 26 or 27, most guys don't even break AAA until that age). Listen up, Cubs management (yes Jim Hendry that means you, and the Tribune too) -- DON'T GIVE UP! The ghost of Greg Maddux still haunts Wrigleyville.

Quick Notes on Spring Training
Is anybody really surprised Frank Thomas is disabled again? Didn't think so.

What's the over/under on Kevin Brown starts this year. 21? Somebody give me a line on this.

Countdown until Scott Erickson remembers he's Scott Erickson and implodes, 6 starts and counting....

Has anybody noticed this kid Andy Phillips tearing the cover off the ball for the Yanks this spring? No, probably not. It's too bad, since this kid could be a starting corner outfielder someplace else. I guess he'll just have to wait until July when he's traded for an aging middle-reliever.

The Mars Volta

This month's music recommendation: Please go check out the latest from The Mars Volta called "Frances the Mute." I'm on my third time through it right now and it's not losing any steam. Alternative/Latin/Rock/Concept (emphasize concept). Very different. Very cool.

For those of you unfamiliar, the Volta is half of the product of the breakup of At The Drive-In (the other half forming Sparta). If that doesn't ring a bell, just go here to find out more.

I picked up the disc for about 8 bucks at Target, so it's not even putting you out much cash. It's completely unlike the other dismal crap that you hear on FM these days (hence my switch to satellite radio), and for that alone I usually will recommend an album, but this one goes way above and beyond even my lofty expectations. Final score: 8 out of 10.

Family Guy Countdown

Just 34 more days left until Family Guy returns to the air.

To quote Bob Costas, "You think you're excited? Feel these nipples!" (from BASEketball)

NCAA: More on March Madness

OK, I admit it. I turned off the Illinois-Arizona game when 'Zona got up by 10. There, I said it. I'm not proud.

Had Kentucky won yesterday, it would have marked the first time in my life I picked a perfect Final Four. F- you, Michigan State, and f- you Kentucky for blowing another one.

Did anybody check the over/under on the Duke/Michigan St game on Friday night? It was 110. Is that ridiculous or what? It's times like these I wish I had a bookie. I'm not kidding about that. Maybe I'll just start semi-illegally gambling on the internet. For those of you who didn't watch the game, the teams hit 110 with 7 MINUTES LEFT in the second half. Big payout, and I missed it. On the bright side, I did bet my friend (a Duke alum) 10 bucks that Mich St would cover the 4.5 spread.... they did.

Poor guy

Anybody else out there think Ty Pennington hates himself? I saw him on a Sears commercial yesterday and wanted to shoot him, just to put him out of his misery. On those early seasons of Trading Spaces he was just an ordinary carpenter, but now you see him and he's some sort of Prozac-laced weirdo who never stops smiling. It's not natural.

It's as if he was sick of getting with 25 year-old girls so he decided to start appealing to the over 50 crowd. Way to milk those AARP babes, Ty.

But seriously, it's sad.

Misplaced Energy

Author's note: This post is even less amusing than usual. You've been warned.
I hate preaching, especially on touchy social issues, but I feel very stongly about this one--
If the protesters outside of Terry Schiavo's hospital really wanted to help humanity, their time would be much better spend volunteering at clinics and nursing homes. It's all very nice and convenient to join an national protest, but then who are you really helping? Congratulations on your famous 15.
To all the firebrand preachers out there: The moral values of this country aren't declining, they're being wasted in favor of national media attention.
And finally, would everybody stop blaming Bush for this? He's not a king, he's a president (thank God). We haven't lived under monarchist rule for almost 230 years. Get over it.
That's all I'll say on this subject.

MLB: The Handshake

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2020463
News broke today that a group of school kids want the Yanks and Sox to shake hands before their opening day game.
A lot of people, including those so-called "purists" that like to pop up here and there, are against this. I, for one, am not. I'm all for it.
What bad could possibly come out of this? OK, so Varitek and A-Rod exchange dirty looks. Big deal. When it's all said and done, baseball players are just gifted but overpaid human beings (and would I take that job in a heartbeat? You bet).
Could you imagine post-game handshakes in MLB? It would be terrific, even if it ended in catastrophe. More so if it ended in catastrophe, in fact. Think about that second baseman who was leveled by Albert Belle. Think about a guy who got drilled in the back by a pitcher 40 pounds lighter than him? The more forced interactions, the better. They should even make the guys who hit the showers early come back out in their street clothes, just to be fair. They could even hold drawings to let fans get in the line ("Great news, honey, on May 7th I get to be sucker-punched by Tanyon Sturtze!").
In my softball career, I've said some pretty nasty things to unibrowed chum-swilling goliaths twice my size, and yet the handshakes go off without a hitch, and everybody drinks their share after the game. If those cro-magnons can understand it, big leaguers can too.
Fine, if you don't like the idea, try it for a year. Try it out in the minors, who cares, just do it. Sometimes those young'uns aren't so dumb afterall.

And one final note on spring training-- isn't it nice to see Julio Franco (age: 63) still hitting homeruns? What a game.

Don't you think?

Isn't it one of life's great ironies that one of the most annoying songs to have stuck in your head is Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head"?
CBS has been playing this song during March Madness this year, and it's slowly driving me insane. Maybe this is what it's like to be Ron Artest (yeah, I know it's a cheap shot, a lame joke, and an easy target, but I couldn't resist. Screw you for judging me).

The 21st Amendment

Yesterday, 3/22/05 was the 72nd anniversary of the 21st Amendment. For all of you non-history buffs out there, the 21st Amendment was passed to repeal the 18th Amendment, which we all know was prohibition. Well, at least now we know it.
So I urge those of you out there to celebrate this historic day, much in the way our forefathers (or grandparents, or maybe even you) celebrated back in '33 --- drink, drink, drink.
And f*ck responsibility.

Is This Wrong?

There's a girl at my office, (I say 'girl' but she's about 28) who has a body so incredible I'd actually consider comitting murder to see it undressed (you know, like in a 'what would you do for a Klondike bar' kind of way). Anyhow, every time this girl walks past my cube, I find myself air-humping the desk in front of me as soon as she gets out of view.
Something tells me this could get me into a lot of trouble someday.

Is it really that bad though?
I mean, really?

Tip for the Day

Never ask a pregnant woman, "How's your uterus?"
Just trust me on this one.

Post #1

Today I have set up the "blog." Until this moment, my entire existence has been free of the word "blog." That man is gone now, replaced with a newer, improved(er), blog-equipped author you see (read) before you.
Impressed, huh?
I thought so.

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