MLB: Back on Rookie Mode
Author's Note: I'm going to include two translations for this article. One for people my age, and one for the younger crowd who might not have shared the same experiences.
Growing up male 20 years ago, you are bound to have an involuntary muscular reaction to the phrase "Tecmo Bowl," even to this day. If for some reason you slept through the mid-80's, however, I'll break down what was far and away the best football video game of its time: Tecmo Bowl debuted in 1988 for the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) as a crude precursor to the world of football gaming as we know it today. There were only 9 players on the field and only 4 plays to choose from. And yet, its simplicity (at least as we see it today) was its boon, demonstrated by the fact that almost 15 years later we still played it on my old roomate's fully-functional NES (do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a NES in good condition these days? It's near impossible, no matter how much you miss playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out. And even if you do find one, it takes a good 10-15 minutes of the 'blowing technique,' and if you don't know what I'm talking about, just stop reading right now because this is way before your time).
Tecmo Bowl got frustrating sometimes as a kid, like most NES games, and quite often you found yourself violently pressing your thumb down on the controller with that exasperated look on your now-purple face, screaming "B! I PRESSED B GOD DAMN IT!!"
Watch out for his right hook, his jab, and his bicuspids.
That was about the peak of agony, after which your parents would come bang on the door and tell you to either play outside or stop yelling profanities at the TV. Needless to say, you chose the second option. You'd hit the Restart button and set up a new game, but this time you'd pick Chicago. And all of you who know the game know why you'd pick Chicago-- Walter Payton.
Sweetness was the ultimate weapon in Tecmo Bowl, like using the cheat code on Contra (up up down down left right left right A B A B select start-- you know you've done it in your sleep before). He'd tear up the backfield like nobody's business, and before you knew it, you were back in the groove. You were tearing up defenses (there were only 4 of those too), avoiding the blitz, breaking the 4-3 by sending your flanker across the tight end...
Well, the first two you could do. The point is, you were back. The swagger was back. You were once again in your rightful place as the master of Tecmo Bowl.
To bring this rambling piece to its rightful close, this must be what's it's like in baseball to play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. It's not like you're using a different team, but the competition is so incredibly weak, you're back in your zone in no time. It wakes you up (not unlike Irish Spring, from what I've been told), it snaps you out of whatever funk you've been in, it completely obliterates your slump.
And teams need that. They need a group of players that can be everybody's bitch. They need a pitching staff that throws batting practice, a lineup that can't hit a wiffle ball and an infield that couldn't catch VD from a "ranch" in south Reno. So congratulations, Tampa Bay and the dozen or so fans that attend your home games, you are to baseball what warp zones are to Mario-- recognized not for your talent, but for your ability to get a foot up your pipe.
Translation for those not in the NES era: Have you ever played Madden on All-Madden level, then gotten so frustrated that you had to put the settings back down to Rookie level just so you could wipe that smug grin off Bill Belichik's face? Good. By the way, Devil Rays suck.
Second Author's Note: Would somebody at Nintendo please put out Tyson's Punch Out for the Game Boy Advance? You have Zelda, Metroid, 4 different Mario's...
Look, I know that after the rape trial you had to change it to just "Punch Out," but at least do something. This needs to happen. Period.
posted by BJC @ 3:08 PM
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