The Bill Simmons Conspiracy

If you don't read Bill Simmons' column on ESPN.com, you really should. I became a fan a few years back after being directed there by a friend, and have been a religious reader ever since.
And it's the best kind of religion too-- you know, the kind you can take into the shitter with you.

But if you do read his column, you recognize the person whom we only know as, "My Buddy House." I had a theory with him that had to do with the Sheffield Incident last Thursday, but it turned out to be just that-- a theory, and nothing else.
But since I thought it was interesting, I'm posting it anyway. Here's Friday's would-be post:

So here are the facts we have about the Sheffield Incident as it stands right now:

• Gary "Ray Lewis of Baseball" Sheffield (almost violently) interacts with a Boston fan who took a swipe at him during a game.
• It leaks out that the fan's name is Christopher House, who appears to be in his mid-30's from the photographs at the game.
• House was sitting in the right field stands, in the first row.
• Boston sports writers often get comped at Sox games for front row seats.
• The House from Simmons' column is from Boston, mid-30's, a die-hard Sox fan, and is good friends with a sportswriter.
  

Sounds like a real mystery, Scoob, we should get to the bottom of this. Maybe Old Man Simmons is hiding his buddy's guilt because his farmhouse is on an abandoned gold mine... OK, so maybe it's not a job for Shaggy and the gang, but it's still interesting in an obsessive kind of way. I'm roughly 99% certain that this is just a series of benign coincidences. And I'm 100% certain that I shouldn't be jumping to the wrong conclusions using vague facts about a writer whom I admire and don't particularly wish to alienate or piss off. But I'm dumb. And you can judge for yourself.

Unfortunately, actual facts (or "true facts") came out in recent news stories, which discredited my theory. It was really too bad, I was hoping for some major media cover-up. Turns out that the 'Fenway' House is a season ticket holder (not for long though), not a guest. And if nobody has made the connection to the 'Simmons' House by now, especially from people that actually know one of the two guys (i.e. "real" writers), it just isn't going to be true. I guess that means it's time to drop the story.
Damn it.

But then again, you never know. And as They say, "Truth seldom stands in the way of a good story."

Update: 4/20/05
This tidbit straight from Simmons' column:
"...and no, he's not the guy who took the swipe at Sheffield..."
Like most things in the Sports world, they're fun while they last, but nothing lasts forever.

You've reached the bottom of the glass.
Check out the archives on the right side of the page for more.

All material Copyright © 2005 Brad C., sole publisher of this blog