Earth Day

Today, April 22nd, is Earth Day. I'm sure that all of you out there remembered... right? Or, at least it's marked on the calendar. Not there either?
Exactly.
I'm not even sure if today is Earth Day or the anniversary of Earth Day or just another Friday in April. Frankly, I'm not too concerned. My guess is that it's the latter, but just in case, here are some helpful tips to help save our planet on Earth Day:

• Make sure all the trash you throw out on to the highway is biodegradable.
• Start cultivating a garden. But make sure it's indoors in a greenhouse, so the DEA choppers don't catch you.
• If your house uses lead-based paint, scrape it off and slowly feed it to your neighbor's dog as payback for "the fence incident."
• After you get too drunk to speak at your Earth Day party tonight, make sure you only urinate outdoors, where it can be reused by the soil.
• If you make the switch to all-natural toilet tissue, watch out for poison sumac. Don't ask why, just watch out for it, OK?
• Give dirty looks to every SUV you pass on the road.
• If somebody is smoking a cigarette nearby, politely remind them that you'll be happy when they die of emphysema.
  
• Whatever you do, do not (repeat: DO NOT) attempt to blow up a nuclear reactor just because you saw it on "24" this season.
• To conserve electricity, turn off all the lights, appliances and security systems in your house if you happen to live at 324 South Main St.
  

So come on and pitch in. If we all work together, we can make this the best Earth Day that none of us will ever remember.

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