Blog Exchange - from Highly Sophisticated Rednecks

Today's post is guest hosted by Scott Garner from Highly Sophisticated Rednecks.

About five months ago, I discovered blogging.

At first, I wasn’t very good at it. I wrote a blog about shopping with my then-girlfriend that began the landslide leading to us falling apart like a redneck algebra contest. So I scrapped the original blog and started a new one.

The new one was better, like the Six Million Dollar Man or Darth Vader – it took an accident to create better, stronger, faster. I met other bloggers through comments and emails. I started reading “The Steam Vent.”

And the Steam Vent has taught me some very valuable lessons:

1. Coors is not to be trusted.
2. A monkey with a dartboard could do a better job of running the Yankees and if it weren’t for Joe Torre, the pinstripes would be a total laughingstock.
3. Strippers are fun. Dangerous fun.

Thus armed, I have made my forays into the World At Large more well-equiped to deal with whatever Life throws at me. Go me. Yeah, Steam Vent.

But now poor Brad is forced to watch as his Lovely Girlfriend journeys into my part of the Known Universe as she moves to Alabama, home of Forrest Gump and just about nothing else useful. All of the trees in Georgia lean west because Alabama sucks. I can say this, because I’ve lived in Mississippi and Western Louisiana, which make Alabama look like a paradise, but I digress.

Since the Steam Vent has given me so much, I thought I’d give Lovely Girlfriend, Brad and all the Steam Vent readers from north of the Mason-Dixon line a few quick pointers to life in the South and how to adapt to your new humidity-filled, accent-ridden, not-as-incestuous-as-you’ve-heard environment.

First, as you prepare to move to the South, get a VCR that plays all your old movies just slightly slower than they should. Southerners don’t really move and think incredibly slowly, but they do seem to be on about a half-second delay. You’ll not really notice at first, but after three or four hours in a Waffle House, time will actually begin to move more slowly.

Secondly – I can call someone “Bubba.” Some other Southerner can call me “Bubba.” But if a Yankee (and by Yankee I mean anyone from north of Greenville, South Carolina) calls a Southerner “Bubba,” it’s on. Think of it as the “N-Word” for Rednecks.

People from New England love baseball. They have a passion for it. It rules their lives. That is nothing compared to how Southerners feel about football, particularly High School football. Worse, Lovely Girlfriend is going to be living in Alabama, where she will be asked to choose a favorite between Alabama and Auburn. Whatever you do, don’t say “I kinda like Syracuse,” or you’ll be laughed out of the state. Don’t align yourself with any football team in the U.S. Northeast for that matter. Even Boston College is only tolerated because they play in the ACC. If pressed by locals in Alabama, just say you like Texas or Nebraska “because my daddy went there.” Then change the subject to tailgating.

By the way, “who’s your daddy” isn’t a sexual line in the South (usually). It’s a way of determining where you fit in the social structure. If your family hasn’t lived in the South for at least three full generations, you’re a Yankee.

GOOD
Redneck: “Who’s your daddy?”
Redneck2: “Mr. Paul.”
Redneck: “Mr. Paul from the bowling alley?”
Redneck2: “Hell, naw. Mr. Paul what changes oil at the Jiffy Lube.”
Redneck: “Your daddy is Mr. James’s boy, then!”
Redneck2: “Yep.”
Redneck: “Ya’ll is good people.” (This is a high Redneck compliment.)

BAD
Redneck: “Who’s your daddy?”
Transplant: “My dad lives in New Jersey.”
Redneck: “Kids, get in the truck. Roll up the winders.”

Not all Rednecks are trailer-park denizens with 14 kids and a wheel of welfare cheese. There is, as my own blog indicates, such a thing as Highly Sophisticated Rednecks. These are Southerners who have education, some disposable income, cars that are (usually) bereft of NASCAR stickers or pictures of little men peeing on the logo of rival car makers, and a taste for good food, good beer and easy living. These Rednecks actually read books you don’t have to color in. Many of them have actually (gasp) been outside of the South. Find these people. They are an oasis in a sea of Southern Culture that, while I love it, isn’t for everyone.

There. I’ve given something back to the Steam Vent. I hope ya’ll will come over and visit HSR from time to time and start leaving poor Brad some comments. Feedback, friends, is essential. You can reach me at my blog or by emailing statesboroblues@lycos.com.

Thanks for the opportunity, Brad.

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