Soccer

Note to my readers in the UK: I thought about calling soccer "football" in deference to your culture, but I can't justify writing the extra letters to differentiate 'American football.' Sorry.
Note to my readers in North America: Why did you just read my note to the brits? You know it wasn't for you. Quit being so nosy. And stop watching reality TV.

I played soccer the other night, for the first time since I was 11 years old. That was Monday. Today, on Wednesday, my legs are so sore it feels like I got attacked by a herd of angry midgets-- they could only reach my waist.
It ended up being a great time, actually. That surprised me at first (I mean, it's soccer for God's sake), until I remembered that soccer is one of those games that's fun to play, but brutal to watch. Moves too slowly. Waaaaay too slowly.
But the nice thing about soccer is that, like football and masturbation, you don't really need anything to play it. Just a ball. You can't say that about many other sports (I could throw rugby in here, but I'm fairly certain you also need severe brain damage to play it), which is why it has such high popularity with kids. Cheap and easy. A real boon for soccer moms (and now that I think about it, soccer moms are far higher on the popularity chart than the actual game of soccer, and with good reason).
Soccer in the US gets lower TV ratings than hockey. Even this season, when there isn't even hockey to watch. Golf is more exciting. Curling is more exciting. Most people don't even know soccer's played professionally. I mean, when you're getting less viewers than the Pet channel's "When Animals Don't Attack," you know you're slumming.

But the game the other night got me thinking. Soccer isn't really doomed, it's just misguided. It needs a little kick (lame pun intended!) to really catch on with the folks on this side of the sea (clearly, it's already working fine in the EU). If I ran the MLS, here's what would happen:

• More explosions. Pre-game, post-game, in-game. It's a cheap effect and it's dumb, but it works (see: Arena football). High-brow doesn't always work here.
  
• Cheerleaders. The more exotic dancers, the better (like that B-movie with Keanu Reeves, the Replacements). And you're encouraged to tip them.
  
• Put a 2-point line in there.
  
• Make the goalies bald, and have them paint their scalps like they're auditioning for Braveheart.
• Follow the NBA's example-- make them wear longer shorts.
  
• One word: Ball-cam.
• Make Dick Vitale an announcer, and team him up with Marv Albert and David Coverdale from Whitesnake. Just because.
  
• Shorten the field; watching 6 guys prance around midfield for 10 minutes at a time with nothing in the camera view but grass gets more than a little boring.
  
• Face-offs. Enough of this free-kick nonsense.
• Celebrity endorsements: i.e., Jenna Jameson presents: Soccer!
  
• In a tie game, you go to sudden-death OT, with one small change: now there's 3 balls on the field.
• Watching somebody get kicked in the groin is gold, so work that into the promos.
  

And the list goes on like that. So, I'll be checking my email for the keys to the car from MLS. I look forward to hearing from you.

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