The Steam Vent

World Series Worlds Collide

2007-02-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

If you've been following baseball, little has been made of two particular off-season moves in the midst of a winter of spending. But if you keep a close eye on Arlington, Texas this season, we could be seeing a metaphysical phenomenon, the level of which only Steven Hawking can fathom. I'll explain.
See, Texas GM Jon Daniels made a smart move by hiring all-around nice guy Ron Washington to manage the Rangers this year. Washington had been well respected as a coach in Oakland, and is expected by many to lead the Rangers out from under a string of underwhelmingly mediocre seasons.
Not completely lost in this transaction was manager emeritus Buck Showalter, a micro-managing but effective skipper who had spent time in New York and Arizona. You might remember Showalter as the manager who left the Yankees the year before their World Series victory in '96, only to turn around and duplicate the same exact feat in Arizona in 2000.
To a casual observer, you might take this information and pencil Texas in to win it all this year. You'd be right to do so-- throw superstition and coincidence out the window, this is baseball we're talking about.
But not so fast. One of the lesser-publicized moves that Jon Daniels made was acquiring journeyman outfielder Kenny Lofton-- now playing for his 9th team since 2001 (yes, you read that right). Lofton was the speedy centerfielder in Cleveland who reminded many Indians fans of Willie Mays Hayes in Major League, and since then has been bouncing around the league like Anna Nicole Smith at an AARP convention (what? too soon?). But what people should remember him best for was his career in the postseason. Thanks to baseball-reference.com, we can take a closer look.
Lofton has made the playoffs with no less than 6 different teams in 10 different trips there over a 15 year career (1995, 96, 98, 99, 2001 with Cleveland, 97 with Atlanta, 2002 with SF, 2003 with the Cubs, 2004 with the Yankees, and 2006 with the Dodgers). To the astute fan, a trend becomes recognizable with all of those teams-- none of them actually won the World Series.
Lofton's numbers in the postseason reflect that as well. His career batting average in the playoffs is 54 points less than in the regular season, while his on base percentage dips by 58 (down to .244 and .314, respectively-- and as a leadoff hitter, mind you).
It seems Lofton's money shot comes in September, so when October rolls around, if you don't mind me extending this analogy, he's all out of juice.
It's somewhat unfortunate, as Lofton seems to be generally well-liked by teammates and managers. But you have to start wondering, when you're mired in an 0-10 streak, exactly what's going wrong? You can put him up there with like-tortured athletes such as Ted Williams, Charles Barkley, Dan Marino, Peyton Ma-- oops, right. But you get the idea.
So what can Texas fans expect this year, Showalter's exit curse or Lofton's Limpness? Is Jon Daniels going to be the unwitting catalyst for the largest astrological catastrophe since the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs?
Which curse has more power, more gravity? Will somebody explode? Will it be like two black holes colliding, exhibiting some cosmic phenomenon on a grand scale? Will far-off civilizations in other galaxies be watching the aftermath light years away? And it doesn't even end there. This is only one season. It can't end there. What happens if Kenny Lofton ever becomes a manager and follows Buck Showalter? Or if Kenny actually does win the World Series, does he cease to exist? Trippy, huh?
See, these are the things that have been keeping me up at night, pacing around the apartment like an expectant father. So, I guess to wrap all this up, let's just say I'm excited about the season. It's the one story I'm going to be following more closely than any other-- forget about A-Rod, forget about Bonds, forget about Gary Matthews Jr (oh, you did already?). This is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and there isn't a fan on this earth who should miss it.
Good luck and Godspeed, Jon Daniels.

Dollars and Sense

2006-12-31T12:44:00.000-05:00

(Author's note: Mea culpa for that incredibly cheesy post title... but I had to)

The US Mint has announced recently that they’re giving the dollar coin another go. You probably already know the dollar coin as “that annoying quarter you get from the post office.” It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody, seeing how it’s been tried twice before--- once as Susan B. in 1979, and more recently as Sacagawea at the beginning of the decade.

Americans have historically been loath to switch to metal dollars for various reasons (most prominently their desire to be unlike Canadians--- as we see from our lukewarm reception to both professional hockey and socialized health care). Yet the Mint is remaining upbeat about the latest incarnation of the US Looney. Its reason, it states, is due to the design on the obverse (face) of the coin. It plans to put pictures of each of the presidents, in order, on the coins to the pace of four per year. This thinking is based on the principle behind the runaway success of the 50 States quarters, which has turned many innocent bystanders into closet amateur coin collectors (admit it, you've got a collection too).

Of course, the presidents don't have the same resonation with the American people as the States do. I live in New York, therefore the New York quarter (year 2000, thank you very much) is one that stands out in my mind. Likewise, people from Kansas probably get excited by the Kansas state quarter, featuring a buffalo. And let's not forget North Dakota citizens, who undoubtedly get excited about their state's unique design-- one that features two buffalo (big hand for North Dakota).

I just don't see the same reaction to the presidential dollars. I mean, how many illegitimate relatives can Thomas Jefferson possibly have?

(I should say here, however, that there is GREAT news for Grover Cleveland fans. That's right, he gets two separate coins for serving two nonconsecutive terms. Amazing)

Now, the addition of the coins into circulation is bound to have benefits aside from general geekiness. One aspect that is bound to be overlooked is its effect on the stripping industry. Now, one might argue that stripper revenue would decrease-- after all, if dollar bills weren't around, you can't just go shoving 5's into g-strings. And, take it from me, strippers hate lose change.

Of course, that argument only works if you believe that stripping is an elastic consumer expense (elasticity is an economics term that measures the effect of changing price on demand-- inelastic goods are goods that don't rise and fall as easily with price, such as milk and gasoline; elastic goods tend to be luxury items, like pomegranate juice or diamond grillz). In reality, I believe fairly strongly that stripping tends to be an inelastic service, much the same as public transportation. It's not as if people are going to stop going to strip clubs, they're just going to gripe about the price more vocally, like when gas prices rose so heavily.

This could present a real boom for the stripping industry, with profits rising to record levels. Before you know it, with all the increased cash distribution, strippers could be buying houses in Beverly Hills and leasing their private jets to the relatively poverty-stricken executives of Exxon. We could be seeing a huge turnaround here. If paper dollars ever become completely phased out, invest your mortgage in nipple tassels and Chanel #5. Don't think twice about it. Just trust me on this one.

Will the paper dollar ever become phased out completely? Doubtful. Americans have been as excited to embrace the dollar coin as they were to embrace Clear Pepsi. If it's not a change that directly benefits everybody, then good luck, US Mint. I mean, we're not Europe.

But if it does, and through some fluke choice by the government it certainly could, count me first in line to collect. After all, somebody's going to have to find out how those Chester Arthurs bounce.

The Stock on Bonds

2006-11-18T11:19:00.000-05:00

I'm taking the time to weigh in on a pertinent baseball issue right now-- which, if you notice the posting dates on this dusty thing, is probably just an exercise in futility since the next time somebody hits this page will be sometime in January.

Much talk has been generated regarding the future residence of one Barry Bonds. And rightly so. He is arguably the most prominent figure in the game still to this day, whether that be positive or negative, and as such he's going to generate a lot of buzz for an aging veteran who can no longer use his legs (reports from the Bay Area indicate that he has installed a lawnmower engine in his clubhouse recliner to get from place to place).

Most experts agree that Oakland seems a likely candidate, mostly because of GM Billy Beane's affinity for On Base Percentage, one of the key areas in which Bonds has not declined much. It also seems natural since San Francisco fans seem to have built a thick layer of cement in their skulls that prohibits them from believing Barry's Shrek-like appearance has nothing to do with banned substances (despite the fact that his personal trainer has just been sent to jail for the second time for not admitting he gave Bonds said substances. I ask myself sometimes how far I'd go not to get a buddy thrown under the bus, and two jail terms is just not in that conversation. Could just be me, who knows).

But there's a problem with that logic-- Billy Beane is smart. Smart enough to sign high-risk veteran Frank Thomas to an incentive-laden one year deal last winter. Seemed odd at the time, but remember Frank had just won the comeback player of the year award a few years back, so clearly the potential for a breakout season was simply waiting for him, assuming he stayed healthy, which he did. But Bonds isn't a player just waiting to crash through his glass ceiling. Bonds is well on his way out. He can no longer play in the field, his decreased skills in left far outweighing any offense he can provide. His power numbers have slowed while his injury total has quickened-- perhaps another sign that his slight frame (remember Pittsburgh?) wasn't naturally built for that massive bulk.

If Bonds stays healthy and out of the media spotlight (keeping in mind that the Bay is the 3rd largest television market in the country), we might assume that he'd sing the tune of 25 HR, .260 AVG and about 100 walks. And we expect Beane to pay, what, $9 million for this? I don't see it.

However there is another option just up the coast. Flying under the radar in this pursuit is Seattle, a team who needs a power bat after a disastrous pair of free-agent signings several years ago (Sexson and Beltre). They have the money (thanks to a very solid fan base, plus the overseas income that Ichiro brings in), they have the market (how often do you hear controversy out of Seattle?). You might expect a deal slightly lower than in Oakland, as without them in the race, it seems that the services for Mr. Bonds are not in high demand.

Sure, teams would love to have skinny 3-time MVP Bonds on their team, stealing a base or two and playing an adequate outfield position. What they don't want is the bloated, egotistical 7-time MVP Bonds (aka post-juice Bonds) who creates clubhouse headaches.

Seattle has nothing to lose from the signing, except perhaps one more year out of contention in the AL West. They don't have pitching, which means that any sort of run for the playoffs next year is going to have to come from the bats. They can easily afford to swallow a one year deal (the increased revenue from a draw like Barry is worth the investment). It just seems like a logical choice.

Of course, logical choices aren't usually the norm in baseball these days (read: the Matsuzaka signing, whoever signs JD Drew, etc.), so I wouldn't expect that this idea would gain any sort of credibility. But it at least gives people something to think about, although that also seems to be too much to ask in this sport.

Alice In Chains - Great, and Certainly not Late

2006-10-31T07:36:00.000-05:00

Alice In Chains, 10/29, Armory Center, Albany, NY

I decided to catch this show with my brother. He'd been listening to my AIC records almost as much as I had over the past 15 years. Their second album, Dirt, was the first compact disc I ever owned. I have their 4 full-length albums, the EP (Sap), the Unplugged album, the live album, the box set, and about 56 lost dates that happened as my teenage self tried to convince girls how cool they were (somehow it got lost in translation, probably on account of acne, but we'll never know for sure).

This is also the band that I had played for 2 straight hours on my college radio station back in 2002, when the news broke that their lead singer, Layne Staley, had passed away. So when I heard that they were touring again on the West coast, I got pretty excited. When I heard they were coming to Albany, I lost it. It's 3 of the originals, Jerry Cantrell, Sean Kinney and Mike Inez, with a new vocalist.

So what was the set going to be like? Acoustic? Electric? Were they going to play a bunch of stuff from their last studio record (which I didn't like that much)? So many questions. I was particularly looking forward to hearing some tracks off Facelift (their first album, which I still own on cassette).

I was also naturally skeptical of the new lead singer, William Duvall, as I'm sure any fan would be. I've never seen the band live before, and although I'm fairly certain Jerry Cantrell (guitarist / vocals) is some kind of genius, I'm wondering how this new guy's going to cut it.

Visually, he's not a Staley look-alike (he's black, for one). He dresses in a tight leather jacket with tight-fitting red pants, some whispy facial hair and a fluffy afro on top. Also, no sunglasses. They came out to some technical difficulties while Whale & Wasp was playing in the background as they launched into Again. After about 20 seconds this was fixed, and nobody was the wiser for it. Great, I thought to myself, they're playing off the last record, and they only sound mediocre. Ugh.

I was soon to be proven wrong though. They launched into Bleed the Freak, nicely done, followed by Grind (a Cantrell-heavy song). I'm wondering at this point whether they're trying to hide the new singer for some reason. Can he really hack it up there? What did Cantrell do?

Then the fun really started. Another Facelift track, It Ain't Like That, followed by Junkhead. And if you know AIC, you know Junkhead was not only Staley's cry for help, but one of the more public and celebrated heroin admissions ever recorded. And Duvall nails it. Just nails it. And to make it even better, the crowd is behind him 100% after every line. I realize, at this point, that this is going to be a great fucking show. Duvall is not only pulling off Staley's lines, he's also alternating between rhythm and lead guitar-- where did Cantrell find this guy?

We're followed by a slow one, Nutshell, and then we get 3 tracks off Dirt. The crowd is into it, I'm into it, the band is into it. It's a great show-- and then they throw you a curve. They break for a video montage of Layne as the roadies reconfigure the stage. After a few minutes, the band comes out with a stripped down set, a few intimate mood lights, and acoustic guitars. Don't Follow is first (no harmonica, unfortunately), mixed with No Excuses, Killer Is Me, Got Me Wrong and a few others, capped off with Down In A Hole. The band has the crowd in a trance at this point, there is no way they can do any wrong. This is like having two Christmases.

Finally, another video montage brings us to the final run of the evening, another full electric set that includes Sludge Factory, We Die Young and concludes with, yep, Man In the Box, which may have been Duvall's best performance of the evening. I've never heard an encore cheer so loud in my life. The band comes out to play Rooster and Would, and after 2 hours, they're finally done. Cantrell comes out to shake hands with some fans in the front rows, and the entire place is still going nuts.

So was the band worth seeing? Hell yeah. Did the new lead guy impress? Absolutely. And will I now start digging out my flannel shirts and faded jeans from Mom's basement? Well... let's wait on that one.

Colorful Commentary

2006-10-14T20:19:00.000-04:00

In a late-breaking news story earlier today, it was reported that the FOX broadcasting company decided to fire Steve Lyons, one of its MLB playoff commentators, over some supposedly racially-charged remarks against hispanics. Now, I have no problem with this move, but I believe it should have been on different grounds. And far sooner.

Steve Lyons should have been fired because he sucks as a commentator. This, actually, should have been done a long time ago. If you read the news articles about the story, you'll notice his remarks aren't really that bad in the sense that they're racist, they're just annoying in the fact that he's a moron. He's not a moron because he says these things, it's that he says these things because he's a moron. Get the difference?

FOX has a pretty interesting history with its painfully vanilla baseball coverage. They try to showcase their 'dynamic duo' of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver as often as possible, to the extent that those two are the only voices you'll hear announcing the World Series (with the occasional studio guest that either includes A) Former or vacationing players that don't get enough air time (e.g. Al Leiter) B) former or vacationing players that aren't at all interesting (e.g. Lou Piniella) or C) Celebrities promoting their upcoming FOX shows or movies).

Buck is about as interesting as an entymologist at a dental convention (not to mention the personality of a Filene's mannequin), and McCarver seems to like to point out aspects of baseball that only Khazakstani hermits would find educational ("he really needs to throw more strikes if he wants to stop walking people" or "the game's all about getting hits"). Frankly, Bert & Ernie would attract a larger audience, and would at least keep it interesting with some witty banter about cookies in bed.

I hate FOX baseball even more than I hate FOX football (and let's face it, that's pretty bad, especially considering the NFL graphics are shown to you by members of the autobots). What they need to do, in my humble opinion, is go one of two ways.

1. Hire an old radio play-by-play guy to do the entire game. No color commentary, no nothing. Just an old-school play-by-play guy to bring you the action. It's the World Series for crying out loud, if the games aren't enough to keep you interested, a 5th inning commentary from Tim Robbins isn't going to either.

2. Have two knowledgable guys in the booth-- one who will make poignant observations, and one who has the wherewithall to explain those observations to the audience. And by poignant, I don't mean picking out obscure statistics ("Jones has performed well in these situations this year, he's hitting .386 with a runner on 2nd and a 2-2 count in the 4th inning when trailing by at least 3 runs"). Real fans know those stats are BS, and newcomer fans have no idea what they mean.
By poignant I'm talking about pointing out baserunning mistakes, fielder's position, tipping pitches, etc. Things that fans should know, things that announcers in the booth need to point out because most of the people in the audience wouldn't already be thinking them. In other words, if I have to roll my eyes one more fucking time at McCarver's ramblings, I'm ripping out the speakers in my TV.

I hate those guys.

You know, OLN (the random cable sports network that features the NHL, along with professional lumberjacking) does sports coverage better than FOX. Most regional sports networks have better sports coverage than FOX. Why is this backwards?

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right. The Steve Lyons thing.

Bottom line is that FOX shouldn't have had to fire Steve Lyons for being borderline offensive (no pun intended). It never should have been said-- not only because it was dumb, but because dumb people shouldn't be heard on sports telecasts. You shouldn't have to wait around for a guy like that to screw up, you have to avoid screwing up by not hiring him in the first place.

An Economic Conundrum, Part I

2006-09-25T21:28:00.000-04:00

Since (obviously) I'm a little late to put in my NFL picks for this week, I'll have to bore you with a completely different subject. Economics.

I know, you roll your eyes or click off the page, but try to bear with me here. After reading Stephen Levitt's Freakonomics last week I finally realized that not every topic pertaining to my college major (that's right, I was an Econ major) has to function as a mild sedative.

Imagine for a moment a major automobile firm hires a new CEO. The CEO is tasked with making the company profitable once again, and doing it quickly. So the CEO does what CEOs are paid to do-- he lays off thousands of employees and shifts his manufacturing plant to South America, where labor is cheaper. Cheaper labor equals higher revenue which, when all other factors are held constant, produces higher profits. On a limb, I'm going to guess that you won't have a difficult time believing this hypothetical scenario.

So is this CEO a good businessman or is he a ruthless jerk? He's made the company profitable with essentially the only quick-fix option available (you could argue for marketing or improved product line, but those are long-term solutions in a highly competitive market where small gains in market share come at a substantial price-- if you don't believe that, just look at Hyundai, who has taken decades to recover from a poor image... and most people still think they suck).

Realistically, he is both. He has at once made himself and his company richer while potentially ruining the lives of thousands of semi-skilled workers. Hard working Americans who hadn't deserved maltreatment by some white-collar shmuck (and whose options for retalitation are essentially zero).

So this is our basis of economic reality. There are, more often than not, two truths to every situation, and those truths will vary drastically depending on your viewpoint. One could hardly fault a board of directors for providing that CEO with a nice bonus package, at the same time as one could hardly blame a now-unemployed Joe Smith for urinating in that CEO's gas tank.

We'll take this as our starting off point and build from here. I'd hate to post more than a few hundred words per article since I know that, generally speaking, the blogging community at large rarely has much free time...

And don't worry, I am going somewhere with this. Seriously.

A Day at the Ballpark, Part II

2006-09-18T22:45:00.000-04:00

I realized yesterday that there was a ton of material I left out of the last post. This may have been due to the sheer volume of data posted, or it might have been the fact that I was temporarily stoned... I'll let you decide... but either way:

* I wanted to take a minute to recognize the Yankees' dubious feat of signing the baseball player who most resembles an animitronic robot from Chuck E Cheese. I'm talking, of course, about journeyman Sal Fasano. A cult hit in Philly during his brief tenure there, Fasano is now the backup to Jorge Posada. Unfortunately, the fu manchu you see below didn't last in New York (facial hair regulations-- more on that later).

Anyway, here's the photo comparison of Sal and Pasqually, otherwise known as "the Italian guy" or "the chef" or "the fat guinea" from Chuck E Cheese's band (I threw the term 'guinea' in there because, let's face it, Pasqually is at best a poorly conceived stereotype).

(Author's aside: Isn't it about time the Yankees rethought their facial hair rules? I'm not talking about allowing mohawks or anything crazy like that, but shouldn't the fu manchu be legal? Giambi started to grow one a few weeks ago and almost looked like a tough guy again. It made New Yorkers collectively realize, "Oh right, we did sign a shaggy slugger from Oakland five years ago," immediately followed by anger over the metrosexual, juiced-up Right Guard spokesperson they actually got. Personally, I think Giambi would have been much better off in the big apple with a huge 'stache and long hair. Maybe that's just me)

* More on the "wrong jersey" phenomenon. I had forgotten about the Mets game, where a kid in the next row was wearing a Terrell Owens jersey (with the Eagles, no less). Next to him was another individual wearing a New Jersey Nets jersey. This was only slightly less defensible than the fan in the deck below us wearing a Jeremy Shockey jersey (I suppose the thought being that at least it was the right city-- although keep in mind that NFL jerseys don't display the city name).

But the TO jersey? Shockey... well... no. No, I still can't see it. Wouldn't do it. Wearing a Yankees cap to a Giants game is one thing (quite common, actually), since at least both logos are "NY." But the TO jersey? I'm at a loss. What exactly are you saying? At least if you wore, let's say, a Tigers cap to a Mets-Dodgers game, you're at least in the right sport. Then you're saying, "You know, regardless of the outcome I'm just a baseball fan at heart." But the TO jersey? That's sending a message of, "Yes, well, I am not routing exactly for any particular team, but I want it to be known that, generally speaking, I am a fan of sports... in general."

Was it an East-coast West-coast thing? Are we still on that? (Please forgive me if I haven't listened to a rap album that's been released in the last 10 or so years, I'm still catching up to Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" at this point). Somebody help me out here.

* Of course, the absolute worst offender of the two games I attended last weekend was the gentelman in the photo to the right.

Notice two things here, if you haven't already. First, notice the fan seated at the bottom right of the image. Now, if you can make it out, look at the logo painted on the field at the top left of the image (if you're missing your binoculars, it's a Yankees logo). That's right, he wore a Red Sox Johnny Damon jersey to a Yankees - Red Sox game.

Now I'm really at a loss. To me, this is worse than the TO jersey at the Mets game, because at least that can be chalked up to general confusion. This is far more deliberate. I mean, who are you supporting? The Yanks' leadoff hitter? Or the Red Sox? Or are you still hung up on 2004? Can fans of either team support that? Shouldn't you be thrown out of the park for that? Or at least be forced to turn it inside out?

(Now, if you're curious, this young fellow was supporting the Sox, as evidenced by his hat, which was a Red Sox '04 World Series cap. Looks like we solved that one after all.)

* Finally, I'll leave you with a quote taken from the fans in the seats behind me, during a pinch-hit by Bernie Williams (a lifelong Yankee, since 1991).
Fan 1: "Who's that? Who's Williams?"
Fan 2: "Yeah. Bernie Williams."
Fan 1: "Didn't he used to play for the Sox?"
Me: (spraying beer through my nose in disbelief)

Now, was that taken out of context? Sure. Is it representative of the broader Red Sox fan base in general? No. But does it support my personal opinion that Sox fans are dumber than rocks? You bet.

And isn't that what having a blog is all about?

A Day at the Ballpark

2006-09-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

I found myself in the Bronx today, slightly north of Manhattan, although I'll give you that it was planned.

Yes, today was a day to spend indulging in our country's favorite pastime. Er, well, baseball. Coincidentally enough, this happened last Saturday as well. See, being in Albany, NY makes me just a quick trip down Interstate 87 to the city (about 150 miles, if you're counting). There, I can experience all the riches it has to offer, as well as many of the poors.

To make a long story short, I caught a Mets-Dodgers game at Shea Stadium last Saturday, and the first game of a Yankees-Red Sox doubleheader at Yankee Stadium a week later. The following unassorted ramblings are what emerged from those experiences.

(Author's aside: And let me just clear up something for the audience at this point, since apparently liking both the Mets and Yankees is the sports equivalent of gay incest [and let's see the google search hits I get out of that phrase], as other New York sports fans will tell you. I grew up and am currently a Yanks fan. Period. My brother-in-law is a huge Dodgers fan, hence the Mets trip. Although, when I think about it, I don't root against the Mets [except in the 2000 World Series]... and you could say I generally enjoy when they're doing well... but then I rarely follow the National League, so I really don't care what people think at this point... I think I'm done with this argument)

* First off, most of this is going to focus on the Yankees leg of this trip, since I'm not as big of a Mets fan (see above) and Shea is kind of a dump.

And when I say 'kind of a dump,' I mean the area behind the outfield fence looks like a construction site (although I should point out here that the area beyond that is a construction site). The nicer stadiums will have fountains or grass back there (KC and Anaheim come to mind), or in many cases have bleachers for seating (Wrigley, Arlington), but Shea has a bunch of pavement, assorted scaffolding, and a shoddy-looking homerun apple (that comes out of a top hat each time a home run is hit, making it one of the more obnoxious tangible metaphors in all of sports). Seating is nice, concession area fine, but to have all that out there in plain view of most of the crowd is bush league.

* Do you think Johnny Damon would be less controversial if he were called John? John Damon just doesn't have the same ring to it (and, as a public service, I will explain here that his given name is Johnny-- it's not a nickname). I don't know why I think that is pertinent in any way (or interesting or amusing, for that matter), I just felt the need to share.

* Somebody a few rows ahead of me loudly called David Ortiz "Donkey Kong" during his first at-bat. It got a mild laugh from the crowd initially (I mean, Ortiz chucking barrels is a pretty amusing thought), until everybody slowly realized that it was probably a racial epithet... at which point things became quiet for a few moments. Pretty awkward.
Pretty awkward.

* To truly appreciate Yankees and Red Sox fans, you really need to be present during one of their head-to-head matchups. It's really at a point where the fans scream louder and louder not to cheer on their own team, but to rampantly annoy the fans from the other team. It's gone beyond the players. It's personal.

(And, if I may point out, none of the cheering was creative in any sense. Not that this should be surprising. Mostly, save for the aforementioned ethnic slur, it consisted of "Yankees suck" or "Red Sox suck," the only real difference being the accent in which it was yelled)

* I have a problem, not limited to baseball events but really any sporting event, of people not wearing the right jerseys to the game. I'm not talking about wearing an away jersey to a home game or anything like that, but.. well, let's give my example here. In Yankee stadium yesterday, a gentleman was wearing a Julius Peppers jersey. Which would have been fine with me... except for the fact that Mr Peppers is employed by the Carolina Panthers of the NFL. So at a NY-Boston baseball game, you're reprezentin' Raleigh. In football.
Keepin it real.

* Speaking of apparel, I've also noticed a growing trend of fitted baseball caps with the stickers still on them (particularly the size sticker on the top of the brim). Seems to be a hip-hop thing, but a palebottom like me wouldn't know much about that (I don't get out much). See, I sit there and try to figure out the logic in that. I obsess about these things I don't understand. Do they compare sizes? Is that it? Is it a dominance thing?

If I see another young male on the street and he's sporting a size 7, but I'm rocking my 7 3/8, do I now get to be cooler? And conversely, if I'm in the presence of a 7 5/8, do I curtsey or something? These are things I need to understand.

* And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, on my way back up I passed a Red Carpet Inn.

Let that sit for a second.

Now do you see where I'm going with this? The sheer potential of sexual puns for guys dating redheaded girls? Why has nobody brought this to my attention sooner? Is it so obvious to the public consciousness that we all just simply missed it in front of our noses? Or am I the only one juvenille enough to make a pubic hair joke about an economy hotel?

I'll let you think about that one. Until next time...

Back to the Gridiron

2006-09-14T19:34:00.000-04:00

Back from hibernation, at least temporarily. But without further ado, here's Week 2's NFL picks.

Buffalo at Miami (-7)
Apparently, this spread is an indication that football scouts around the corner haven't given up on Daunte Culpepper yet. That's pretty funny, because for a player to get run out of Minnesota of all places, no less than a year after a near-MVP season, it's telling. We'll just leave it at that.
On the other hand, who's throwing for Buffalo these days? Losman still? Jesus Christ.
Game: Miami
Spread: Buffalo

Carolina at Minnesota (+1)
Toughest game to call this week. On the one hand, you have Carolina, a good team last year expected to do big things this year... and they get beat last week by a (supposedly) lousy team. Of course, this same thing happened last year too, and they made the playoffs (after that inspiring week 1 loss to New Orleans).
Minnesota... well... last year they went on a late run with Brad Johnson at QB, but that was against mostly crappy teams and their defense helped out too (not to mention Lady Luck). But then they go out and surprise Washington (another trendy playoff pick this year), in Washington, in front of a Monday Night audience.
I'm overthinking this, aren't I?
Game: Carolina
Spread: Carolina

(Author's aside: Anybody else catch the new trio in the Monday Night booth? Are there any other conclusions other than Tony Kornheiser should be doing color without Joe Theisman? Any doubt that Kornheiser couldn't carry that? Does Theisman add anything to that booth other than another few gallons of carbon dioxide?)

Cleveland at Cincinnatti (-10)
Let's see, so Carson Palmer is back at full strength, and the Browns let a Saints rookie pile up 120 yards of offense in week 1. What exactly is the question again?
Game: Cincy
Spread: Cincy

Detroit at Chicago (-7)
Detroit's defense only let up 3 measly field goals to the Superbowl runner-up in week 1. That's surprising (more on that later). Chicago's D shut out an (incredibly aged) Brett Farvruh. The edge goes to Chicago, obviously, but you have to wonder.
Well, not for very long... but still.
Game: Chicago
Spread: Chicago

Houston at Indy (-13.5)
I'd just like to take this time to congratulate Houston's front office. Now, I know this subject has been beaten to death since April, but come on. I'll give you that they also had incredibly bad luck. But come on. You pass on the next Marshall Faulk (let's not go overboard yet on Bush) to draft a defensive lineman. Really? And then, to make matters worse, your "star" tailback gets injured... but instead of giving up some actual talent for an NFL running back, you go out and get Ron Dayne and Samkon Gado. Wow. Now that is building for the future.
Game: Indy
Spread: Indy

New Orleans at Green Bay (+2.5)
Nice win for New Orleans last week against Cleveland. Green Bay, well, wow. Just wow. Can't quite find the words for that one.
And yet, Brett Farvrvruh's last season, home game, playing a bad road team... they can't lose, right? That can't happen. It's not supposed to happen.
Game: Green Bay
Spread: Green Bay

New York Giants at Philly (-3)
I was a little surprised at this spread (essentially means the teams are dead even except for home field advantage), given that the Giants hung tough against Indy. They've improved their defense while Philly has remained somewhat stagnant on offense.
Game: Giants
Spread: Giants

Oakland at Baltimore (-12)
Spread seemed high here too. I wouldn't go getting all hard for Baltimore yet, McNair's bound to break down (over/under is week 6), and their defense can't be that much better (over/under on Ray Lewis' injury is week 9). But then, their defense pitched a shut out last week. Meanwhile, Oakland's impotent attack was shut out. Almost looks like the makings of a huge upset. Almost.
Game: Baltimore
Spread: Baltimore

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-5.5)
Woooo! Go Chris Simms! Wooooo!
Game: Atlanta
Spread: Atlanta

Arizona at Seattle (-7)
Are we done yet? How many teams are playing this week? Did we expand again? Geez.
OK, right. Arizona is another trendy playoff pick this year, but I wouldn't bet on the defending NFC champions at home. Just, call it a hunch.
Always call Kurt Warner a hunch.
I don't even know what that means.
Either way, Seattle should be taken to task for only putting up 3 field goals against Detroit's defense. We're talking about Detroit here. They've got one of the worst General Managers of all time! For God's sake, he could actually get advice from Dan Duquette and Isiah Thomas. The guy makes Vince Young look like Ken Jennings!
And you just went to the Super Bowl!!
Ugh.
Game: Seattle
Spread: Seattle

St Louis at San Francisco (+3)
Would be an impressive feat if the Rams really beat up on San Francisco here. They might have an impressive team this year, what with Marc Bulger healthy again and Steven Jackson not going anywhere (not to mention Torry Holt).
Then, Antonio Bryant looked good at wideout for the Niners last week, and Vernon Davis was also a pleasant surprise (although I'm still pissed at him for getting drafted one pick before me in my fantasy league this year... I'm sure it's his fault somehow). I just don't think Alex Smith is ready yet-- although he has his moments.
Whatever.
Game: St Louis
Spread: St Louis

KC at Denver (-11)
Pretty sucky loss for Denver last week. I doubt they'll have trouble bouncing back at home against a depleted KC offense (and let's just wait and see what effect Trent Green's head injury will do to Larry Johnson's "Second Coming of Christ" fantasy season).
Game: Denver
Spread: Denver

New England at New York Jets (+6)
You know what, screw it, I'm going for it. I'm taking the Jets as the upset game this week.
Game: NYJ
Spread: NYJ

Tennessee at San Diego (-12)
Yep... so we got Kerry Collins against a defense coming off a week in which it shut out an offense that includes Randy Moss. Yep... that's what we got.
Game: San Diego
Spread: San Diego

Washington at Dallas (-6)
I swore I wasn't going to fall into the "Redskins are good" trap this year. But then 20 bucks later after a loss to the Vikings, I knew I had done it again. WHY??? WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS?!?!??
Game: Dallas
Spread: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville (+2)
Yeah, so apparently Pittsburgh could've won with any quarterback last year. I mean, if Charlie Batch can lead them to victory... you can literally stick any quarterback there. Anybody call Ryan Leaf for this?
Game: Pittsburgh
Spread: Pittsburgh

NERD CORNER
Decided to start a new feature this year, dealing with Fantasy sports. The rumor mill is telling me that it's becoming quite popular with the children.
OK, fine, you got me. I've been obsessed for years. Happy now?
Up the slope:
Heath Miller (TE PIT). Expect bigger things with Randle-El out of the picture. They lose some creativity (losing the Harlem Globetrotter of the NFL will do that) but they'll make up for it with their TE.

Down the slope:
Frank Gore (RB SF). Don't expect 160 total yards and 2 scores every week (duh). His week 1 stats were more likely a factor more of the fact that the defense had Cardinals jerseys on. Don't drop him, just don't get the tattoo yet.

Over the hill:
Darrell Jackson (WR SEA). I know, another 'duh' with the signing of Branch. But people really need to know to drop him, now that he has 3 other NFL starters to compete with for catches... on a team that features Shawn Alexander at tailback (which was an odd signing, especially for a team that needed another receiver like Baywatch needed another boob job).

NBC Really Blowing this Olympics

2006-02-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

You don't usually have to look far to see a story about NBC's failed Olympic coverage. Most sportswriters have already tackled the subject to some degree. But I felt the need to make this painfully apparent to the network execs up there at the peacock.

Yesterday, as most everybody knows, Visa's sweetheard Lindsey Jacobellis lost herself the gold medal by grabbing her board-- and falling-- near the end of an uncontested run, touching off "showboat" arguments from here to Kingston, Jamaica, where presumably they're still riled about their bobsled falling apart at the end of Cool Runnings. Personally, I don't care, let the chick grab her board. Nine times out of ten, she lands the jump and everybody's happy. It's not like she won't be back at it in Vancouver for the 2010 games. But that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because as I was reading that article (on SI.com, in case you were really interested), NBC ran an advertisement in the article pimping their prime time coverage with the following line: "Watch Lindsey Jacobellis go for the gold in Snowboardcross."

If anything, this little parable highlights just how obtuse the network heads are at NBC, thinking that we're going to keep to the "see no Olympics, hear no Olympics" mantra until 8PM that evening, despite the fact that the entire universe already knows what's happening. I ask you, is there any reason to tape delay these events? At all? You'd think they'd actually be losing ratings because of it.

Think of it this way-- would you ever watch an entire Super Bowl if you'd already read the entire game recap ahead of time? What, maybe 3% of your audience who only likes a happy ending, or for hardcore fans of the winners. Maybe there's an in-game brawl that you just can't miss, or an aging pop star bares her nipple, or whatever, but most of the time it's just not going to happen.

And this is the Olympics for God's sake. This is the one time that (literally) the entire country is cheering for one team. This is where we can show the Soviets who's boss, where speed skaters can fake being blocked by those pesky Koreans, where innocent Canadians can fall victim to the crooked French, where we can stick it to Iran and their nukes by whipping them in the Curling competition.

Well, I'm not so sure that last one's happened yet. I haven't really been watching. Have somebody at NBC drop me a line when it's on.

Round 1 Knockout, And Other Thoughts

2006-01-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

It's not often in life that a tremendous experience turns out to be tantamount to unmitigated disaster. But that's exactly the situation I found myself in on Sunday as I was sitting in the lower deck of Giants Stadium, set against the scenic skyline of Manhattan.

What a waste.

In case you missed it, the Giants were reamed like a prison newbie, 23-0. The crowd was into it for all of about 20 minutes until it became apparent that they were going to need a reason to keep up the noise. They never got one.

It was telling that the stadium announcers decided to announce the defense, and that there were at least two or three guys I hadn't even heard of before, and I've watched each game. They had the nerve to announce a guy named Alonzo Jackson.

I'm sorry, what?

That guy could have been wearing his uniform in the parking lot, complete with shoulder pads and cleats, and I still wouldn't have had a clue that he was our starting linebacker. I'm sorry, when you have a lead-in like that, bad things are coming. It's just the way life happens.

So I'll spare you the open bitching and complaining, the in-depth analysis about which Midwest lineman they should pick first next year, and how many ways Eli Manning should go "suck it," and I'll just get on with some more half-brained sports-related thoughts.

Why I Wish I'd Stuck with Little-League
That the MLB free-agent market has shot up so drastically shouldn't surprise anyone. Yes, we were all lulled to sleep by Billy Beane and the Moneyball era. Pay market value for talent, grow from within, don't overspend. The average salary for big-leaguers even went (GASP!) down for a season. Almost two.

But, not to sound like an economist, when you have a market with only 32 buyers, a little ripple goes a long ways. Guys like BJ Ryan and AJ Burnett are not worth the money they're getting, much like Kris Benson isn't worth the girl he's getting (or his contract, now that I think about it). All it takes in such a small sample is for one or two teams to start overpaying for an overly thin talent pool and splash, the market goes right back up. The funny thing is, we don't have the Yankees or Red Sox to thank this time, it's teams like Toronto.

As if I needed an excuse to post an Anna Benson picture.

I'll keep this last point short, but rest assured there's more. I don't, mind you, think Toronto is evil in this whole thing by being "that guy" at the auction. They're being smart, using some extra bucks to shut out their competition. Sure, Burnett might be a risky acquisition, because let's face it, he'll probably suck, but you have to give the Jays credit. They took advantage of a tepid market and elbowed their way to get what they wanted. Good for them.

Mr. Sosa Goes to Washington
Read recently that Sammy Sosa is on the verge of signing with the Washington Naticles, which, in this writer's humble opinion, is a terrible idea. Sosa back in the National League? Where he has to play the field? Are you kidding? Sosa in the NL is like putting Scott Weiland in a Broadway musical. Sure, he may have been good at what he did for a while, but now that the drugs have worn off, he's just another overpaid has-been who can't hack it.

Oops

2006-01-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

I got a joke for you.

Q: What do you call a lazy SOB who ignores his blog for weeks on end, and even when he pays it any attention it's just for a few wisecracks about football games?

A: You call him, Brad.

Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? I'll wait until you're done holding your sides in laughter before moving on.

Done yet? OK, just a little longer.

Seriously though, I haven't forgotten about all of you out there. Really. And I won't pretend to make any excuses about why I've been neglecting my dusty little corner of the internet. I'll just say that there's more coming soon.

I swear.

Now go finish holding your sides.

Lovely Weather for a Playoff Together, Week 15

2005-12-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not even going to bother spelling out the playoff scenarios right now. For a few reasons. First, you probably won't be looking here for that information in the first place. Second... well, see reason #1.

With that out of the way, I'm going to gently gloss over the horrific difference between my regular picks last week (12-4) and my spread picks (3-12-1). If I were a betting man, I'd be dead right now. So let's just move on to this week and hope for the best.

Saturday Games
Tampa Bay at NEW ENGLAND (-4.5)
Both teams fighting for a playoff spot, the Bucs needing it a little more than the Pats. Of course, they're up North this week, which makes me lean towards Belichick's gang here. I think this game comes down to who can outcoach whom, and I wouldn't bet on Jon Gruden.
S-U: Pats
Spread: Pats
Final: TB 0 NE 28

Kansas City at NEW YORK GIANTS (-3)
The oddsmakers are calling this game dead even on a neutral field. Both teams need this win bad. The Giants are banged up on defense, which has been their strong point all season. They're also missing some key members of their offensive line, which could spell trouble for Eli Manning under pressure. Still, even with Antionio Pierce on the sidelines, I think the Giants can get enough pressure with their front 4 to give the Chiefs' running game troubles. And when the Chiefs don't establish the run, they're about as useful as a tanning salon in South Florida.
S-U: G-Men
Spread: G-Men
Final: KC 17 NYG 27

DENVER at Buffalo (+9)
Yet another QB change in Buffalo, and so far none involving Doug Flutie. This could only spell another Bills loss.
Of course, Denver hasn't exactly been convincing their critics (12 points against Baltimore??). But they need this win, and the Bills just need a summer vacation.
S-U: Denver
Spread: Denver
Final: DEN 28 BUF 17

Sunday's Games
ARIZONA at Houston (+2)
There is just no way in my mind that Houston is losing another heartbreaker. There's no way. They've clearly got the upper hand in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes, and this is their chance to prove to the league that they're not tanking games on purpose. You'd think their defensive coordinator was Jill Kelly the way they've been blowing these games.
(What, you thought I was going to go all season without a porno joke?).
S-U: Houston
Spread: Houston
Final: ARI 19 HOU 30

CAROLINA at New Orleans (+9)
Spread seems high... but then again, the Saints just benched their starting "quarterback," so who knows what they're bringing this week. Screw it, the Panthers need this win.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: CAR 27 NO 10

New York Jets at MIAMI (-9)
You know, the Dolphins have a decent shot at .500 this year. In fact, they're still not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet. Anybody see that coming for Nick Saban's troup? Anybody?
Meanwhile, the Jets are performing about as well as Enron stock right now (What's that? That joke is four years old?), and they've just deactivated a hall of fame running back for the remainder of the year.
S-U: Miami
Spread: Miami
Final: NYJ 20 MIA 24

PITTSBURGH at Minnesota (+3)
Would everybody please stop fellating the Vikings for their 6 wins? They beat 5 crappy teams, some barely, and stole a win in New York from some inconceivable combination of luck and... luck. Remember, this is still a team that was predicted to make the Super Bowl, so it's not like they came out of nowhere. Their defense has been playing well and their offense has been what can only be considered as "not that shitty." Give me a break.
The Steelers, meanwhile, need a win to solidify their playoff position, since they still have a decent chance at it. And don't expect it to be a pretty game just because it's in a dome.
S-U: Pitt
Spread: Pitt
Final: PIT 18 MIN 3

San Diego at INDY (-7.5)
You're right, this does seem like a high spread, especially for one team desperate for a win, regardless of the other's quest for history.
If the Chargers lose this one, I wouldn't be surprised to see them audition Phillip Rivers as trade bait for the next two games.
S-U: Indy
Spread: San Diego
Final: SD 26 IND 17

SEATTLE at Tennessee (+7.5)
83 points in the last 2 games? To 3 points allowed? Uhh... yeah, I'm giving this one to the Hawks.
S-U: Seattle
Spread: Seattle
Final: SEA 28 TEN 24

San Fran at JACKSONVILLE (-16)
Call me old fashioned, but I don't see a 16 point spread for a team on its backup quarterback.
S-U: Jax
Spread: SF
Final: SF 9 JAX 10

Philly at ST LOUIS (-3)
Two teams with nothing to lose and nothing to gain. So, in light of actual research, I'm just going with a dome team at home. Why not?
S-U: Rams
Spread: Rams
Final: PHI 17 STL 16

CINCY at Detroit (+8.5)
The Lions this year have had to deal with a quarterback controversy, underachieving receivers and a defense that allows more scores than Paris Hilton on ecstasy. And that was before they fired their head coach. So no, I won't be picking Detroit any more this year.
S-U: Cincy
Spread: Cincy
Final: CIN 41 DET 17

Cleveland at OAKLAND (-3)
I heard people talking about Charlie Frye like he was the steal of his draft, the next Brady. I'm sorry, but which Brady are you talking about here? Greg or Marcia?
S-U: Cleveland
Spread: Cleveland
Final: CLE 9 OAK 7

Dallas at WASHINGTON (-2.5)
While the Skins are technically still in the race for the NFC East, they have a big factor working against them: reality. I tend not to doubt a Bill Parcells team in December when they're clawing for a playoff spot. Call it a hunch.
S-U: Dallas
Spread: Dallas
Final: DAL 7 WAS 35

Atlanta at CHICAGO (-3)
A few factors working here. Cold weather and an injured Vick. I'm sure there's a Vapo-rub joke lurking in there somewhere, but I'm not going down that road. I'm better than that.
S-U: Bears
Spread: Bears
Final: ATL 3 CHI 16

Monday Night
Green Bay at BALTIMORE (-3.5)
I usually call this game the "Monday Night Madness" game because I pick the over/under too, thus making it completely mad, wacky, zany, whatever. But on this night, as both teams combined have only 7 wins, there is nothing mad about it. The temptation for me is to take a clearly aging an unapologetic Brett Favre against a Ravens team that may as well call themselves FedEx the way they've been mailing in games (the Denver game not withstanding).
S-U: Pack
Spread: Pack
Over/Under (33): Tough call but I'm going under here.

2005's Final Thoughts - A Preview

2005-12-16T20:31:00.000-05:00

That familiar smell in the air this time of year might just be the stale stench of TV stations broadcasting their year-end reviews around the beginning of December. It permeates everything, from news shows to entertainment reviews. Well, I guess that's not really a lot, but it's still annoying.

It's overdone, it's familiar, it's old, and from year to year you end up hearing the same things. Just how crazy can people be. Wow, how touching and original. Please, inform me more how this Earth is going to hell, how the four horseman are fast upon us, how soon we'll go the way of the Dinosaurs. Please. I just can't get enough. (Author's note: There should be a Font face by now which conveys just how heavy my sarcasm is at this moment. Unfortunately, there isn't. It's tragic, really).

And, as a side note to Comedy Central, from whatever head-in-the-sand management seems to be running half the stuff on that station (since a good portion is legitimately funny, I tend to think they split the job): There are no five words in the English language that will make me NOT want to watch a program than these: With special guest Molly Shannon.

You might as well tell me I'll have four grinning prison inmates performing my next prostate exam.

I'm not going to go into that argument now, but rest assured I will. Someday. I just need the empirical evidence to support my point, and I'm far too lazy on a Friday night to pursue that kind of research.

My point in all of this is that a year-end wrap up is coming. I might try to enlist the help of my two BBFF's, Alison and Scott, for this. But it won't be lame, and it won't involve Molly Shannon. Just so you know.

The Right to Choose, Week 14

2005-12-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

Just when you think you've got this league figured out, you hear obtuse statistics like "The Kansas City Chiefs haven't lost a home game in December in over 10 years." What? What the hell does that mean? Does Arrowhead Stadium suddenly change by the calendar? And wouldn't that mean they're also due for a loss?

Whatever.

Chicago at PITTSBURGH (-6.5)
One of these days, people are going to stop calling Bears DB Nathan Vasher "lucky" and start calling him "talented." There's only so many "right place, right time" plays you can make before people realize it's something special.
Of course, you can say the opposite for QB Kyle Orton, whose offensive prowess has diminished to that of a 76 year-old nun.
Chicago could very well pull this game off by limiting Big Ben, who has been suffering lately from a mysterious thumb injury. Most experts think the thing actually fell off around week 7 and has been held on with Elmer's glue since then. Who knows.
S-U: Chicago
Spread: Chicago
Final: CHI 9 PIT 21

Cleveland at CINCINNATI (-13)
I'm shocked at the over/under for this game. It's at around 43. I didn't think, especially after last week's shootout in Pittsburgh, that you could make an over/under less than 126 for any Bengals game the rest of the season, especially against a very sad Browns squad.
S-U: Bengals
Spread: Bengals
Final: CLE 20 CIN 23. Nice call on that over/under, whoever you are.

Houston at TENNESSEE (-6.5)
I'm starting a Dom Capers suicide watch. I'm picking Monday, December 19th, one day after they could upset the Cardinals at home, crushing their chances of landing Reggie Bush as the number 1 draft pick next year. Stay tuned.
S-U: Titans
Spread: Hmm... Houston in a heartbreaker again? Sure.
Final: HOU 10 TEN 13

INDY at Jacksonville (+9)
Even if new Jax QB David Garrard can pull off a lame win against the Browns, he won't stand a chance against the Colts D.
S-U: Colts
Spread: Colts
Final: IND 26 JAX 18. By one stinking point.

NEW ENGLAND at Buffalo (+4)
Um.... errrr.... hold on a sec....
Yup, officially don't care.
S-U: Pats
Spread: Bills
Final: NE 35 BUF 7. Total of 3 rushing yards for Willis McGahee today. Outstanding.

OAKLAND at New York Jets (+3)
Word around the Big Apple is that Kerry Collins could be playing for the Jets next year. If Jets fans followed the Giants for those tumultuous years of Collins' employment, they should be very scared. Very scared. But hey, look on the bright side, that's a #1 draft pick two years in a row.
S-U: Oakland
Spread: Oakland
Final: OAK 10 NYJ 26

St Louis at MINNESOTA (-7)
Don't discount the Rams in a dome. They're apparently agoraphobiacs, so for some reason when they're enclosed they play like they actually deserve to be in professional sports. Unfortunately, that sport may still not be football.
S-U: Vikes
Spread: Vikes
Final: STL 13 MIN 27

Tampa Bay at CAROLINA (-6)
The Bucs always tank this time of year. You think this year will be different? I sure don't.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: TB 20 CAR 10

NEW YORK GIANTS at Philly (-9.5)
It's going to be tough for the Giants to scout this team. What are they going to do, go to Central Park and watch the flag football leagues? Because that's where the Eagles are getting their players these days.
S-U: Giants
Spread: Giants
Final: NYG 26 PHI 23

San Fran at SEATTLE (-16.5)
Remember, it wasn't that long ago that the difference in the game was a failed 2-pt conversion by SF in the closing seconds. Don't let that Monday night game go to your heads, Vegas.
S-U: Seattle
Spread: SF
Final: SF 3 SEA 41

WASHINGTON at Arizona (+4.5)
I'm sure all 28 fans in attendance in Sun Devil stadium will be thrilled at this matchup.
S-U: Skins
Spread: Skins
Final: WAS 17 ARI 13

Baltimore at DENVER (-14.5)
Here's a new statistic I'm inventing. Denver hasn't beat the Ravens by less than 15 points on a December 11th game in over 20 years. There, now that that's out there, apparently the Broncos can go play like a real team. Hope last week's KC game was a one-time hiccup.
S-U: Broncos
Spread: Broncos
Final: BAL 10 DEN 12

Kansas City at DALLAS (-3)
Speaking of KC, are there any other weird statistics I should know about. How do they do on the road against a Parcells team in December? Are there domestic abuse claims out there? DUI's?
Here's how I'm picking this game. The Giants beat Denver, the Cowboys beat the Giants, Denver lost to Kansas City, then the Cowboys lost to the Giants so... um... wait... what?
S-U: Dallas
Spread: Dallas
Final: KC 28 DAL 31

Miami at SAN DIEGO (-13.5)
In the battle of the fabulous vacation destinations, I'm going with the Chargers.
S-U: SD
Spread: SD
Final: MIA 23 SD 21

Detroit at GREEN BAY (-6)
Nope, don't care.
S-U: Packers
Spread: Packers
Final: DET 13 GB 16 OT

Monday Night
New Orleans at ATLANTA (-10.5)
Again, I'm not sure how exactly you can call a spread on this Saints team. Or the Falcons. If Atlanta loses, they're out of the playoffs. Period. So don't bet on any upsets, but the spread seems high. But then again, these are the Saints.
By the way, the over/under on this game is the same as the Bengals/Browns game. Does that make sense to you?
S-U: Falcons
Spread: Falcons
Over/Under (43.5): Under

Final Tally
S-U: 12-4, Spread: 3-12-1 (low whistling sound inserted here)
Season
S-U: 58-20, Spread: 40-36-2

Must be my Lucky Week 13

2005-12-04T11:42:00.000-05:00

Here are some questions bouncing around my head as we steam past the 3/4 mark of the regular season:
Can we put an end to this Patriots 3-peat talk now?
Is Detroit better or worse off after firing their head coach, and should anybody care?
Are the Texans now the NFL's equivalent of the Washington Generals? I think I saw the St Louis' field goal kicker actually blindfold himself before that game-tying kick last week. And I get this eerie feeling that somebody's whistling Sweet Georgia Brown every time Tory Holt caught a pass..

Oh well, on with the picks.

Atlanta at CAROLINA (-3)
This should worry people in Atlanta: three major professional sports teams are named after birds (I looked it up, a Thrasher is a bird), and the other is a racial epithet. With monikers like that, is it any wonder that the city is in a bit of a championship drought?
Carolina, meanhwhile, has a stubborn situation at running back and from week to week will either look like a playoff contender or a Junior Varsity team from Idaho. And they'll never tell you in advance which squad they're bringing. Remember all that praise heaped on Jake Delhomme when they made their Super Bowl run a few years back? Where are those now?
These are two very even teams, so I'm just going with home field here.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: ATL 6 CAR 24

Buffalo at MIAMI (-5.5)
Again, two even teams who surprise you each week with their ability to lose games. Buffalo has been a disaster on the road (0-4), while Miami has been almost as equally bad at home (1-3). I'm not going to pretend to understand these teams, so again I'll just go with home field advantage.
S-U: Miami
Spread: Miami
Final: BUF 23 MIA 24. Wow. Buffalo played a great 3 quarter game today.

Cincy at PITTSBURGH (-3)
Can the Bengals offense get through a tough Steelers D? I think so, especially after seeing Indy pick them apart last week. Of course, that was the Colts at home, so maybe that's not a fair comparison. The cold weather in Pennsylvania this time of year should slow down some offenses, but here's one statistic to look at: In the last two games, Cincy has scored 79 points to Pittsburgh's 20, and they played the same exact teams (Baltimore and Indy). That settles it for me.
S-U: Cincy
Spread: Cincy
Final: CIN 38 PIT 31

Dallas at NEW YORK GIANTS (-3)
All out brawl in the Meadowlands this week. Fighting for first place in the NFC East, which nobody would have thought possible three months ago. Let's just hope the Giants home crowd is able to stifle themselves during Eli Manning's cadences this week. 11 false-start penalties? That kind of early movement rivals a high school prom night.
S-U: Giants
Spread: Giants
Final: DAL 10 NYG 17

Green Bay at CHICAGO (-7)
Only 7 here? After beating a playoff team by 10? Um, OK.
S-U: Bears
Spread: Bears
Final: GB 7 CHI 19. See what I mean? 7 points was low.

Houston at BALTIMORE (-8)
It's a tempting upset pick, since Houston did show some signs of life through the first 57 minutes of last week's game. But those last three...
S-U: Baltimore
Spread: Houston
Final: HOU 15 BAL 16. That's 2 in a row for Houston, losing a lead in the last minute of the game.

JACKSONVILLE at Cleveland (+3)
It's scary for the Jaguars to lost Byron Leftwich at this point in the season, but their defense has been doing much of the talking anyway. But Leftwich had an unspoken presence, where he always seemed to be able to do just enough to win. Tough, rugged QB. Possible X-factor looming here in his replacement, David Garrard, but for this week I'm playing it safe and giving the Browns a sneaky home win.
S-U: Cleveland
Spread: Cleveland
Final: JAX 20 CLE 14. Not even the great Charlie Frye could save the Browns.

MINNESOTA at Detroit (+3)
The Vikings have been playing well of late, and another game in a dome shouldn't be any problem against Lil' Joey Harrington and a wretched Lions defense.
S-U: Vikes
Spread: Vikes
Final: MIN 21 DET 16. Seriously, are the Vikings a playoff team now? How scary is that?

TAMPA BAY "at" New Orleans (+3.5)
I don't believe in "home" field advantage for a team that doesn't have a home.
S-U: Bucs
Spread: Bucs
Final: TB 10 NO 3. Kudos to you if you bet the 'Under' in this game.

Tennessee at INDY (-16)
Now this is a spread I can bet against. It's the only fun thing about picking Colts games anymore. Just how high can they make a spread?
S-U: Indy
Spread: Titans
Final: TEN 3 IND 35. Not quite as close as I had thought it would be. Not quite.

ARIZONA at San Francisco (+3)
I almost talked myself into taking the Niners at home this week when I found this little nugget: San Fran is averaging 400 total yards given up on defense this year. Ouch. Oh, plus they're starting Alex Smith, who has been personally coached by Ryan Leaf.
S-U: Zona
Spread: Zona
Final: ARI 17 SF 10

WASHINGTON at St Louis (+3)
Will the Redskins finally win a game? Will Joe Gibbs go back to racing? Will Rocky and Bullwinkle save the world from Boris Badnoff's evil scheme? Find out when we come back.
S-U: Skins
Spread: Skins
Final: WAS 24 STL 9

DENVER at Kansas City (+1)
Spread is closer than I would have thought here. Maybe the oddsmakers bet on Ron Dayne getting more playing time. That, as any Giants fan can tell you, unfailingly leads to disaster. Sure, he'll get you one or two 55-yard runs per year, but the rest of it is uninspired dribbling.
Mike Shanahan should know better than to force the ball to him.
S-U: Denver
Spread: Denver
Final: DEN 27 KC 31. Ron Dayne was Denver's 2nd leading rusher (in carries, not in yards). Shanahan, you asshole. What did I just tell you?

New York Jets at NEW ENGLAND (-10)
This Patriots team? By 10? I don't think so, Scooter.
S-U: Pats
Spread: Jets
Final: NYJ 3 NE 16. I didn't think it was possible but the Jets are worse than I thought.

Oakland at SAN DIEGO (-11.5)
That win last week for Oakland was an abberation. The Bolts are fighting for a playoff spot now, while the Raiders are focused on their Randy Moss jersey sales pool.
S-U: San Diego
Spread: San Diego
Final: OAK 10 SD 34

Monday Night Madness
SEATTLE at Philly (+3.5)
It's too bad, at the beginning of the season this looked like it would have been a good game. Here's some things you can bet on though:
Mentions of Terrell Owens (32)
Mentions of Donovan McNabb (20)
How many times the announcers point out [Philly QB] Mike McMahon's "mobility" or "quickness" (19)
How many times they mention the Giants' false start penalties in Seattle last week (7)
Camera shots of depressed Philly cheerleaders (14)
Mentions of Shaun Alexander's contract (4)
Mentions of Philly's playoff record with TO vs without him (0)
S-U: Seattle
Spread: Seattle
Over/Under (42): Under (damn, another push)
Final: SEA 42 PHI 0

Final Tally:
This week: S-U: 14-2, Spread: 11-5
Season: S-U: 46-16, Spread: 37-24-1

It's Housewife Hell Week - NFL Picks Week 12

2005-11-24T09:58:00.000-05:00

Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Sunday again. No more than two full days between football games. How many ways can you spell domestic neglect?

Anyway, we've come to a critical juncture in the season. Not so much that the playoff hopes of some teams have faded into fantasy, but the time of year where every sports writer in America has managed to overkill the Vikings' "Love Boat" thing. I mean, come on, give it a rest. Every column, every reference, we get it already!! Let's not beat a dead horse here, folks. At least make an attempt at originality.

That being said, let's move straight on to the picks.

Thanksgiving Day Games
ATLANTA at Detroit (+3)
The reason the Lions are only giving three points here is twofold. First, the Falcons have played two really crappy games in a row where their defense has apparently been siphoning schemes from the Houston Texans' playbook. Second, the Lions haven't named a starting quarterback yet, which means there's a chance that Joey Harrington won't be playing-- which would be good.
Either way, it's important to remember that the Lions suck.
S-U: Atlanta
Spread: Atlanta
Final: ATL 27 DET 7. But did you see the TD catch Roy Williams had? Nice.

DENVER at Dallas (+2.5)
It's only a few steps from crazy to think that the Cowboys would lose at home on Thanksgiving. But then, it's about the same sanity level to think that the Broncos would lose at all these days, what with Jake Plummer's miraculous transmogrification into Tom Brady.
This should be a very close game.
And has anybody noticed the prevailing rodeo theme here? Is it just me?
S-U: Denver
Spread: Denlas. Ok fine, Dalver. Broncboys? Cowcos? Screw it I'll take Denver.
Final: DEN 24 DAL 21 OT. After all those 1 point spread losses, it's about time I got a half-point win.

Sunday Games
Baltimore at CINCINATTI (-9)
The Bengals should be looking to make a statement after the loss to Indy last week. That statement is "We're definitely in the top of the second tier of good football teams."
S-U: Cincy
Spread: Cincy
Final: BAL 29 CIN 42

CAROLINA at Buffalo (+4)
Two weeks ago, Buffalo beats KC and Carolina takes out the Jets. Last week, both teams get killed. The difference? Right, home field advantage. I'm tempted to pick the Bills here. I won't, but I'm tempted.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Buffalo
Final: CAR 13 BUF 9. This is why I like half-point spreads. You can't tie. I hate ties.

Chicago at TAMPA BAY (-3)
I think this means that people are taking Tampa seriously again. Doesn't that indicate it's time for another fall?
S-U: Bears
Spread: Bears
Final: CHI 13 TB 10

Cleveland at MINNESOTA (-4)
I hate the fucking Vikings.
S-U: Minnesota
Spread: Minnesota
Final: CLE 12 MIN 24

New England at KANSAS CITY (-3)
Can you really count out the Patriots when you're getting close to playoff time? This game seems like a trap to me. I feel like Belichick has been secretly formulating plays for games like this in an underground bunker impervious to nuclear attacks. NORAD is like an amusement park compared to this guy.
S-U: Pats
Spread: Pats
Final: NE 16 KC 26

SAN DIEGO at Washington (+3)
Speaking of teams fighting for a playoff spot...
S-U: San Diego
Spread: San Diego
Final: SD 23 WAS 17 OT. Phew. Close one.

San Francisco at TENNESSEE (-7)
So, the Niners lose a heartbreaker on a failed 2-point conversion to the playoff-bound Seahawks, and now they're getting a full touchdown from the lowly Titans? Is this like the Miami game last week where something obvious went completely over my head? I know the Titans played a good game last week too, but 7 points?
S-U: Titans
Spread: Niners
Final: SF 22 TEN 33

ST LOUIS at Houston (+3.5)
Call me crazy, but this might just be Houston's opportunity to win a game. At home against a messed-up Rams team. Of course, the Rams played against an amped-up Kurt Warner while Houston is featuring a bandaged-up David Carr.
Screw it, I'm going with the upset.
S-U: Texans
Spread: Texans
Final: STL 33 HOU 27 OT. What a way to lose that one.

JACKSONVILLE at Arizona (+3.5)
Nah, Zona won't win 2 weeks in a row.
S-U: Jax
Spread: Jax
Final: JAX 24 ARI 17

Miami at OAKLAND (-7)
Yawn.
S-U: Oakland
Spread: Oakland
Final: MIA 33 OAK 21. What?!?

Green Bay at PHILLY (-4.5)
So is this the week that the Eagles finally pull one out or is this the week that the Packers decide to play like a professional football team?
Well?
S-U: Eagles
Spread: Eagles
Final: GB 14 PHI 19. Phew, won that spread by a half point.

New York Giants at SEATTLE (-5)
Two solid teams. Two of the top 3 running backs in the entire league. This should be a great game.
S-U: Hawks
Spread: Giants
Final: NYG 21 SEA 24 JF 0 OT. That third team is Jay Feely, who was an incredible loser today.

New Orleans at NEW YORK JETS (-1)
My question to the NFL is "Why?" Why should games like this even be played? Why? There's absolutely no reason for it. None whatsoever. This is an outrage.
S-U: Jets
Spread: Jets
Final: NO 21 NYJ 19. If I had said, "Raise your hand if you watched this game" or "Raise your hand if you support the legalization of triple homicide" I would see exactly the same number of raised hands.

Monday Night Madness
Pittsburgh at INDY (-9)
If you're wondering why I always say 'Indy' and never spell out the full name of the city, it's because I'm far too lazy to type it. There. I said it. I confessed. Are you happy now?
Oh, and uh... Colts win. But not by a lot.
S-U: Colts
Spread: Steelers
Over/Under (47): Under
Final: PIT 7 IND 26

Final Tally:
This week- Straight-Up 12-4, Spread 9-6-1
Season- Straight-Up: 32-14, Spread: 26-19-1

This Pigskin is Not Kosher - Week 11

2005-11-19T19:26:00.000-05:00

This is a quiz to test your NFL knowledge.
When did you first hear about Samkon Gado?
A) I've known about him longer than 3 weeks
B) When the news broke he was Green Bay's starting running back
C) After last week's 3 touchdown performance
D) 12 seconds ago when you mentioned his name in this question

If you answered A, you are biologically related to Samkon Gado.

A response of B means that you are a very astute Green Bay fan or an obsessive fantasy football addict.

Choosing C tells me that you're a casual NFL fan who probably watches SportsCenter.

D just means you're along for the ride.

But these are the types of things happening by Week 11, guys named Samkon Gado are making headlines about playoff hopes. Just when you think you know how a team's going to do, you have one scoring on an interception, kickoff and punt return-- which constitute their only touchdowns of the game.

Makes this week's picks tougher than they seem. Oh well. Last week's record was 10-4 straight up and 8-6 against the spread (including two narrow one-point losses).

JACKSONVILLE at Tennessee (+4)
The Jaguars might finally be coming together, putting up 30 on a solid Ravens defense last week. That they only let in 3 might be misleading, as the Ravens offense has the potency of a 79 year-old prostate surgery outpatient.
Straight-Up: Jax
Spread: Jax
Final: JAX 31 TEN 28. Another one point spread loss? Damn.

Miami at CLEVELAND (-2)
The Dolphins might be without their starting QB this week. Which shouldn't really mean much because he doesn't do much when he's in the game anyway. They have two solid, underworked running backs who should be able to poke holes in Cleveland's defense.
And did I miss something? The Fins played tough against the defending champs last week, while the Browns were clobbered in Pittsburgh while their leading rusher was held to under 60 yards and their defense couldn't manage an interception against 2 crappy backup quarterbacks. So why are the Browns giving points here?
Whatever.
Straight-Up: Miami
Spread: Miami
Final: MIA 0 CLE 22. Apparently, I did miss something. And a lot of it at that.

New Orleans at NEW ENGLAND (-9)
This is a game New England wins, but I have this nagging feeling that the Saints are looming as a spread spoiler in this game. They're coming off a bye week, while the Patriots are coming off a hard faught game in Miami. The Saints have lost by 49 against Green Bay but by slim margins against Chicago and Atlanta, two playoff teams.
Straight-Up: New England
Spread: New Orleans
Final: NO 17 NE 24. Good call. Good call.

Oakland at WASHINGTON (-6)
Again, should be an easy game to call, but with the Skins giving up 6 points? Yikes. I mean, Oakland's not exactly satisfying Raider nation lately with the team running Kerry Collins out of town (as everybody in New York and Carolina already knew to do) and Randy Moss hampered by injuries and an apparent tightness of the lip that's developed in the Northern California air. But then again, the Redskins have given up 36 points in two of the last three games.
Straight-Up: Washington
Spread: Washington
Final: OAK 16 WAS 13. I knew this whole Redskins playoff talk was a hoax.

Philadelphia at NEW YORK GIANTS (-7)
Ooooooh, a big NFC East showdown. If Tom Coughlin beats some sense into the Giants special teams unit, they should be able to snap back and handle the floundering Eagles. Philly currently has no offense to speak of.
Straight-Up: Giants
Spread: Giants
Final: PHI 17 NYG 27. Brings the NFC East race down to two teams.

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (-6)
You know what, I'm just going to go ahead and predict a huge upset here. I'm going for it. Right now. Watch me.
Straight-Up: Bucs
Spread: Bucs
Final: TB 30 ATL 27. Nice.

Arizona at ST LOUIS (-9.5)
St Louis is not a good team. So the spread should tell you something about Arizona's hopes right now. I think Kurt Warner might have a nice return in the dome though.
Straight-Up: Rams
Spread: Cards
Final: ARI 38 STL 28. Just to recap for bookies, this counts as a 19.5 point loss for the Rams.

CAROLINA at Chicago (+2.5)
If the weather in the Windy City is anything like last week, this is bound to be another low-scoring game. By the way, if you were keeping score, the Bears' offense scored one touchdown in that game. The two teams combined for four field goals, none longer than 37 yards. Nice day for Adrian Peterson though (120 yds, 1 TD).
And should anybody be worried about Carolina's 220 total yards on offense last week? In Carolina?
Straight-Up: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: CAR 3 CHI 13. The answer to my question there was 'Yes. Yes, everybody should be worried.'

Detroit at DALLAS (-7.5)
Why? Because Joey Harringon always does well against the Cardinals, that's why. So there's plenty of reason to doubt him on the road in big D this week. Of course, Dallas has had just two games this year separated by more than 6 points.
Straight-Up: Dallas
Spread: Dallas
Final: DET 7 DAL 20

PITTSBURGH at Baltimore (+3.5)
Hmm... Tommy Maddox as an NFL quarterback... sounds familiar, but the idea hasn't crossed anybody's mind in years. And that includes the one start he's had this year.
On the other hand, rumor has it that Baltimore season ticket holders are selling their seats this week in protest to their team's ugly performance, meaning Pitt might have a home away from home for a tough divisional game.
Not that any of that should matter. Pitt's running game is what we should be focused on here.
Straight-Up: Pittsburgh
Spread: Pittsburgh
Final: PIT 13 BAL 16 OT. When does Big Ben come back?

SEATTLE at San Francisco (-12.5)
Is Seattle for real? Like, really real? I still can't tell. We know they can run the ball, but what's left after that? And yet, they keep on winning.
I'm not betting the spread against San Fran two weeks in a row, they're too unpredictable. Not that they'd win though.
Straight-Up: Seattle
Spread: San Fran
Final: SEA 27 SF 25.

Buffalo at SAN DIEGO (-11)
Aside from big wins against NY and NE, the Chargers haven't really been blowing teams out of the water like they should. They've turned into more of a gritty run team than last year, when they had a full compliment of a passing game. Brees doesn't seem as motivated this year to do anything other than let LT run it. A wide receiver has been tops in reception yardage just twice in 9 games.
And the Bills played a pretty good game last week.
Straight-Up: San Diego
Spread: Buffalo
Final: BUF 10 SD 48. A real nail biter.

New York Jets at DENVER (-13.5)
Um... yeah. Sure. I'll go with that.
Straight-Up: Denver
Spread: Denver
Final: NYJ 0 DEN 27

INDY at Cincinnatti (+5.5)
Do I think the Colts can turn it up a few notches tonight to top an over-achieving Bengals team? Yes, I do.
Although I really wouldn't be surprised if this turned into an upset either. Coin flip time.
Straight-Up: Indy
Spread: Indy
Final: IND 45 CIN 37

KANSAS CITY at Houston (+6.5)
Am I done with these yet? What? One more game after this?
Straight-Up: KC
Spread: KC
Final: KC 45 HOU 17

Minnesota at GREEN BAY (-4.5)
I've been incredibly persistent in guessing incorrectly on Minnesota all year. I actually think they have a chance against Green Bay though. Which means I'm betting the Packers.
Straight-Up: Green Bay
Spread: Green Bay
Final: MIN 20 GB 17. Damn damn damn.

The week's tally:
Straight-Up: 10-6
Against the spread: 9-7
On the season:
SU: 20-10
Spread: 17-13

Saturday Night Chills

2005-11-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

On an otherwise lazy Saturday, I got a call from one of my buddies and fellow hockey players (YMCA league here in Albany) asking what my plans were for the evening. "Well," I started, "basically Jack Shit. Why?"

"Hockey tonight. Rats are playing. I got extra tickets for a luxury suite."

And without even a nanosecond of forethought, I answered, "I'm in."

Sure, New York has its fair share of NHL teams. Three to be exact (remember folks, Buffalo still counts as NY). So it's not exactly like we're hurting for pro sports in that department. But on the other hand, it necessitates at least a 3 hour drive to get to those places (5 for the Sabres), so suffice to say it's nice to have something closer.

That's where the River Rats come in. Minor league hockey, baby. Minor League.

The Rats are the AHL affiliate of the New Jersey Devils (the AHL is roughly the AAA of hockey, one step away from the bigs). Jerseys are very similar. In fact, you'll even catch a dozen Devils jerseys among the 86 fans who happen to show up to these games.

The AHL, by the way, is a beatiful league in that it has teams called the River Rats. Not to mention the Lock Monsters, the Marlies (must be a Canadian thing), the Rampage and not one but two teams named the Admirals. I can't wait until the Rats announce their last year in Albany, just so I can buy a few jerseys to show my future grandkids, "Yes, we actually had a team called 'the River Rats.' And no, this isn't another one of grandpa's Alzheimers episodes." Where else can you find this stuff?

Anyway, there were eight of us there; four gals, four guys. Clearly, the game itself is secondary to the game experience when you're at an AHL game-- especially in the luxury boxes-- so the conversation tends to stray from the on-ice action every now and then. One of the girls in our group used to play hockey at some level -- yes, ice hockey-- which led to a slew of sexist, offensive and inevitably hysterical comments regarding women's ice hockey such as these:

- Is there such thing as 'shooting like a girl'?

- I didn't know they made a high-heeled skate.

- Do they ever stop the game because of cramps?

And, my personal favorite, which unfortunately I can't take credit for:
- Do you ever have to go back in the locker room to change because you're all wearing the same thing?

Yep, it's minor league hockey at its best. Always a good time. And the seats were free, too.

You know, speaking of that game, I never did catch the final score. I wonder if they have that online.

Some NHL Notes, While We're on the Topic
- Bad couple of days to be a Fedorov. The family once famous for dating Anna Kournikova (back before this whole MoleMan marriage thing) had a two-fold run of bad luck. Fedor, the younger brother who plays for the Rangers, was reportedly punched at a Tampa Bay night club and had to miss the most recent game against the Leafs.
Sergei, the good brother, was recently traded from Anaheim to the NHL's version of purgatory otherwise known as Columbus. Ouch, man. My sympathies.
I use the term purgatory because it's not really 'hell' in so many words. See, you still get to play hockey in Columbus, you just never win. It's not unlike Sisyphus in that sort of warped tragic Greek humor. I guess technically that is hell for the Greeks, but I'm trying to be fair to the people of Columbus, who clearly love their hockey... kind of.

Mongo Only Pawn, In Game of Life...

2005-11-15T18:15:00.000-05:00

If the title of this post looks oddly familiar, it could be one of two things:
1) You're one of the two people to whom I sent this exact same quote no more than a few days ago or
2) You've seen the movie Blazing Saddles enough times that you've memorized Rockridge's entire church hymn, can pick out the scenes added for TV from the original movie, and can recite the entire campfire dialogue after downing a few cans of refried beans.

Either way, I'll explain myself. See, a few of the people I've met through this channel of deranged amusement (i.e. the blog) are having a He Said / She Said advice column coming up, moderated by yours truly. Alison and Scott will be the ones doling out the sagacious data packets of wisdom. It should be fairly obvious who's doing which gender perspective.

As to ensure that neither of these modern-day Ann Landerses get a head start or god-forbid do their homework on these, I'll be collecting the questions from the general public (that means you) and dispensing them to both the appropriate parties at the exact same frozen instant in time. So if you've got a question for either of these gurus, just send it here to: stoutlager@gmail.com .

Quicker Monday Notes

2005-11-14T18:54:00.000-05:00

Author's note: This article has been updated since it was first posted.

Some more abstract thoughts today.

- For all of you who thought I was a little tough on Brian Baldinger, the color commentator, in yesterday's post, just know that in my head, I wasn't near tough enough. That was restraint you saw. (And I do speak from experience here, because I used to do color commentary for ECAC hockey games in college).

- OK, it was funny when they did it on Entourage because the idea was so lame. But now the WB, yes, the mother network of all failures, is launching Aquaman. Yes, it's real.

- Could not stop laughing while reading this article. I know this is two HBO references in a row, but you have to give credit to Ali G, he's a genius in his own right.
By the way, if you're getting a little antsy for the third season, he's got some clips up on this site doing some commercials for the NBA on TNT. The ones with Steve Nash are particularly funny.

- Lastly, I ran into this running series of articles from Kevin Sites, who has been stationed with troops in Iraq. No matter what your stance on the war, or if you think Sites is pushing some kind of agenda, it should be read. Sites tries to bring in the more human side of it all.

Update below

Sorry, two more TV notes while I'm here:
- Finally caught an epsisode of The Boondocks on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming. Excellent show.
It's from creator Aaron McGruder, who you should know as the man who brought color to the Sunday comics in recent years. McGruder's often incendiary political views mesh well in cartoon form, and (quite obviously) gets a lot more room for creativity and lewdness in his half hour spot. Highly entertaining, and a welcome break from the other stoner culture that appears on that channel (not that I'm saying that's bad, mind you). I hope it catches an audience.

- But as for shows who haven't caught an audience, I'm bidding a fond farewell to Arrested Development, which was inevitably cancelled by the fuck-ups who run the FOX network. Far be it for them to air side splitting and original humor when they're up against such classics as Still Standing and According to Jim. Really, FOX, another job well done. Obviously you learned so much from Family Guy, a quirky show with a niche but salivatingly loyal audience of young professional males. God damn it I hate that network.
Speaking of which, when does the online petition start to get this show picked up on another station?

Quick Sunday Notes

2005-11-13T16:41:00.000-05:00

Some quick thoughts on Sunday's games. Post may be updated throughout the afternoon.

12:15 PM: I just came to the screeching realization that my fantasy team was starting two Miami Dolphins this week. That was quickly remedied.

12:40 PM: I think all female sportscasters can take a lesson from Pam Oliver. As I was suffering through a typically brutal performance by the FOX pre-game show (Terry Bradshaw makes me vomit in my mouth), they cut away to Oliver's report on the Chicago Bears.
Oliver was interviewing defensive coordinator Ron Rivera, a member of the famous shuffling '85 Super Bowl champs, and asked him about what he learned from his various coaches. Rivera rattled off a few names and what they meant to him, nothing groundbreaking. When he was finished, Oliver asks, "Did you accidentally leave out Buddy Ryan?"
Rivera pauses, smiles and replies, "No."
High comedy.
See, this tells me two things: 1) Pam Oliver knows her football damn well and 2) She's not afraid to ask good interview questions. That question was amazing. It was perfect. I was in awe.
Later, she asks head coach Lovie Smith, in sort of a backhanded insulting kind of way, whether his Super Bowl hopes were realistic. Had him on his heels, at least for a second. Again, great question.
The problem with most female sports reporters is that they're there simply for curb appeal. How many times can you say you've heard actual information come out of their mouths? Like when a linebacker goes down with a blown knee, the announcers go to the sidelines just to hear, "Well, Al, it looks like Smith really hurt his knee on that play. But he did get up and walk off the field." Oh, really? Thanks. Because I didn't just see that. Thank you so much for that insight.
In interviews, you'll hear the whole book of lame cliches, such as, "Coach, how much does this win mean to you?" and "Did you need extra motivation for this game?" It's aggravating. Either everybody knows the answer or nobody cares, and the coaches are usually condescendingly dismissive, and with good reason. They suck.
So kudos to Pam. And that's sincere. Maybe networks can take a lesson from her. You know, a lesson like, maybe you should hire a reporter based on talent, not just her ability to repeat vacant observations.

2:30 PM: Brian Baldinger, the FOX color commentator for the Giants - Vikings game, is truly awful. Just wretched.
Baldinger on the Vikes offense in the first half: "They haven't even attempted a pass downfield." Actually, Brian, they had several attempts. One of the Giants even got injured on a play. You said something lame at the time. Really, you were there. I swear.
Baldinger on Koren Robinson: "Nobody has ever questioned his talent." Really, Brian? You mean, after dropping all those passes in Seattle to the point that he was run out of town? Nobody questioned him then? Interesting.

3:14 PM: I waffled at about noon today on whether to start Corey Dillon or Ronnie Brown on my fantasy team. I went with Brown. Dillon was injured on the first play of the game and hasn't returned. Phew.

4:30 PM: Just an update on my earlier malaise on starting two Dolphins today. Apparently I was wrong, since Chris Chambers (on my bench this week) had 70 yards and two scores. Can somebody please tell Gus Frerotte to send out a memo when he's about to do something like this? Some weeks the guy plays left-handed, and other weeks he does this. Jackass.

Coming Clean on NFL Picks

2005-11-12T14:35:00.000-05:00

I've decided to ditch the whole split-personality thing, if only for the fact that I thought it was a gimmick I didn't feel like doing this week. And besides, I was always picking through Hyde anyway, so what's the use.

That being said, I'm picking all games both straight-up and against the spread this week, so we'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

As always, home team listed second, favored team in CAPS.

Arizona at DETROIT (-3.5)
Potential for an upset this week as Joey Harrington lines up under center for the Lions. If you haven't been paying attention, this means imminent disaster, as all three top wideouts are playing hurt, and Joey Harrington is still calling himself 'Joey.' How old are we? Add to that the fact that the Lions' top rusher had 17 yards last week. That's right, in the whole game.
Still, Arizona isn't much better off, with a 2-6 record to show for an easy schedule. Sounds like Kurt Warner's going to be throwing today to only one healthy receiver. Still, he put up over 300 yards last week...
You know, it's games like this when I realize why I started the dual personality thing in the first place.
S-U: Detroit
Spread: Detroit
Final: ARI 21 DET 29.

Baltimore at JACKSONVILLE (-6.5)
You can still make a case for the Jags underachieving despite playing 2 games over .500. With Fred Taylor hurt, I don't see them making this a blowout.
Baltimore, on the other hand, is wildly underachieving with blistering success. A guy named Anthony Wright is acting as QB-- poorly, I might add-- and their once strong defense is riddled with injuries.
S-U: Jax
Spread: Ravens
Final: BAL 3 JAX 30

Houston at INDY (-17.5)
No, that's not a typo in the spread. Indy's coming off a huge moral victory at New England and all signs point to mailing this one in just enough to win it by 10. Houston is coming off a few not-that-shitty performances, albeit at home, but with Andre Johnson coming back from his injury, they should be able to cover the spread.
S-U: Colts (duh)
Spread: Texans
Final: HOU 17 IND 31

Kansas City at BUFFALO (-3)
I'm surprised the Bills are getting 3 points this week, since there's a pretty good chance they'll get killed. With Priest Holmes out for the year, the Chiefs will be playing with a well-rested Larry Johnson at tailback and a sub-par immitation of Trent Green throwing dump passes.
Of course, the Bills aren't out of the AFC East race by any means, and Willis McGahee might just be able to carry this team (at least, I hope so, because he's certainly carrying my fantasy team this week). Call this game my upset special.
S-U: KC
Spread: KC
Final: KC 3 BUF 14

Minnesota at NEW YORK GIANTS (-10)
Vikes are finally dusting the cobwebs off, peeling the rubbers off their foreheads and playing some football. Unfortunately for them, it's still pretty bad.
The Giants had a tough first half against San Fran last week but still ended up pulling off an 18 point victory, so expect them to carry that same momentum at home. Especially at home.
S-U: Giants
Spread: Giants
Final: MIN 24 NYG 21. This one hurt.

NEW ENGLAND at Miami (+3)
Playing against a solid Colts defense, the Pats still managed to pull off 21 points due to sheer determination. With a win this week they could take solid control of their division, even though they're missing 5 running backs and their entire secondary.
It makes you wonder if Hoody Bill discovered an ancient sarcophogus over the off-season and attracted some mummy's curse. What other logical explanation is there for the Patriots falling apart? Did Corey Dillon contract the ebola virus? Did the defensive backfield all pick up VD from a seedy Boston strip club? What's going on here?
Miami isn't any better, and a change at QB shouldn't do much good for them. Despite a fearsome running game, they shot themselves in the foot during a 7 point loss to Atlanta at home last week, and I doubt they'll be doing much better this week. I mean, if Michael Vick can put up 200 yards against this secondary, imagine what a fired-up Tom Brady can do.
(By the way, did you realize Ronnie Brown's on pace for 1200 yards this season?)
S-U: Pats
Spread: Pats
Final: NE 23 MIA 16

New York Jets at CAROLINA (-9)
That's funny.
S-U: Carolina
Spread: Carolina
Final: NYJ 3 CAR 30.

San Francisco at CHICAGO (-9)
I don't see the Bears' defense having any problems handling Cody Pickett in this one. If he only managed 2 field goal drives at home against the Giants last week, it's frightening to think what he'll do on the road. And not frightening in the good way.
Rookie QB Kyle Orton should be able to manage a few scores against an average defense. It's a big spread though.
S-U: Chicago
Spread: Chicago. Missed it by one stupid point. I knew that spread was too high.
Final: SF 9 CHI 17.
Post game note: Right before the game, the spread went to 13 for some reason, which I never would have picked against. I wish these things stayed static.

DENVER at Oakland (+3)
Come on, only three points? That surprises me. Denver's got a decent secondary that shouldn't have a problem covering Randy Moss-- if he even plays-- and their running game shouldn't find too many problems with a team that gave up 27 to KC last week.
S-U: Denver
Spread: Denver
Final: DEN 31 OAK 17.

Green Bay at ATLANTA (-9)
Yikes. Good luck, Pack. For a team that lost by 10 points at home to Charlie Batch, I think you've got your work cut out for you. Any truth to those TO rumors?
S-U: Atlanta
Spread: Atlanta
Final: GB 33 ATL 25. What the hell happened?z

St Louis at SEATTLE (-3.5)
The low spread against a banged up Rams team should tell you something about Seattle's 6-2 record. No, I'm not saying they're a bad team, but they might not be as good as some people think. Aside from Shaun Alexander, I mean.
On the other side, St Louis has scrapped together a 4-4 record despite losing 43 starters, their coach and a golden retriever to injuries. Now they've got Holt and Bruce back in the lineup and they're going to fight for a playoff spot. Still, the last two wins came in the dome against New Orleans and Jacksonville, neither of whom have a running back.
S-U: Hawks
Spread: Hawks
Final: STL 16 SEA 31.

Washington at Tampa Bay (0)
Even?!? Even!?!?!? What the hell are you talking about, even? How am I supposed to call the spread on an even game!??!
Buncha assholes.
S-U: Washington
Spread: Washington
Final: WAS 35 TB 36.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH (-8)
Yeah, right.
S-U: Pitt
Spread: Pitt
Final: CLE 21 PIT 34.

Monday Night Game
Dallas at PHILLY (-3)
Dallas won the first one this year at home, and now Philly is "free" of the distraction of having the game's top receiver. And why wasn't more support coming out of the locker room for McNabb? Granted, I think TO is the second largest piece of dog shit in the universe (1st place is his agent, Drew "Can I get a Spot on Ally McBeal" Rosenhaus), but you saw how these guys performed against the Skins at home last week. Do you really expect it to be any different?
And while I'm on the topic of the Eagles, let me just say this: The Eagles were 2-0 in the playoffs last year without Owens. Then he comes back for the big game, pretending he's heroic, when really he's a step slow and the Patriots were smart to leave him in single coverage. I'm pretty convinced that he and Belichick (why can't I ever spell that guy's name?) made some sort of evil pact where TO got to play the martyr and the Pats still got their rings. Everybody brings this up, this "sacrificed his career to play in the Super Bowl" bullshit. It's bullshit. It was clearly a selfish move and it possibly cost his team the title, I don't care how much McNabb was dry-heaving. What an ass.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
I hate the Eagles.
S-U: Dallas
Spread: Dallas
Final: DAL 21 PHI 20.

This week's record:
Straight up: 10-4
Against the spread: 8-6

Story Time... With Explosions

2005-11-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

I was inspired recently. Well, maybe 'inspired' isn't really the word I'm looking for. It's more like 'reminded.'

I was reminded recently. (There, that's better). Reminded because of this post on Abra's blog which deals with a creative way to exterminate household pests. No, don't worry, no animals were harmed in the formation of this story. Just some tree stumps.

See, Albany is a fairly popular destination for the folks in Northern and Western NY (you know, everything north of The City), which means we get our fair share of rugged mountain folk from the surrounding highlands. Live in the city long enough, you end up becoming friends with a few of them. Mostly by accident.

A few of these friends can best be described as "assault rifle enthusiasts." They're completely normal people, they just happen to have high-powered semi-automatic weapons laying around the house (and for all of you who just gasped at that last statement, it's OK-- most of the time, at least from what I can tell, the safety is on).

I paid a visit to the childhood home of one of these friends once. There was probably a few dozen of us down there, mostly to grill out in the woods and throw down a few cases of cheap beer. Before the drinking started though, my buddy offered to go fire a few rounds in the woods near where we were staying. Perfectly safe, we were pointed downhill into a valley so there wasn't any chance of a stray bullet landing in somebody's abdomen. Thank god. I'm from the suburbs. This isn't exactly something I do everyday.

Actually, it's something I do pretty much never. But that was all to change.

I received a brief safety lesson-- which was rather difficult given that we were wearing the noise-reducing headphones-- and a live demonstration of the raw power of what turned out to be the same model firearm that the DC sniper used (and as an aside, I wasn't too sure I'd be telling people that if I were him... it seemed rather morbid and a little, well, inconsiderate... but I digress).

He set up a few logs about 50 yards away and started firing. Took about 3 shots to take the sucker completely down. I did the same thing, and after a few "warm-up" shots, accomplished the same feat. I found that the hours of playing "Duck Hunt" on the NES really payed off, which is pretty scary when you think about it.

Next, he set up a bunch of small boulders in the same spot. "Won't that ricochet?" I asked.

The look he gave me was somewhat of a cross between "What are you, retarded?" and "Just watch this shit... WOOOOOO!" I'm not sure how else to describe that look. I guess you had to be there. Well, moral of the story is, at that caliber, there was definitely no ricochet.

Hell, there wasn't even any rock by the time he pulled off 4 rounds.

The fun ended soon after that (ammo doesn't grow on trees, you know), so we went back to the party and helped tap the keg. At that point, all weapons were safely locked away.

I mean, we may be crazy. But we're not stupid.

Picks from the Dark Side, Week 9

2005-11-05T15:39:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Due to the fact that my prescriptions haven't been refilled in quite some time, my NFL picks remain completely split once again.

Season Records:
Straight up: Jekyll 5-10, Hyde 9-6
Spread: Jekyll: 7-8, Hyde 7-8

Jekyll: Any more lessons learned from last week.
Hyde: Just one, this week. Just one.
Jekyll: Let me guess-- never bet against a team whose benevolent owner just passed away.
Hyde: Especially when they're playing at home.
Jekyll: So... are there any deaths to speak of this week?
Hyde: Only if you count Tom Benson's reputation.
Jekyll: Zing.

Philadelphia at WASHINGTON (-3)
Jekyll: I'm going to stick with the Eagles again this week.
Hyde: Wait. Let me get this straight. You're going with an Eagles team, on the road, missing their starting QB AND their starting receiver, Terrell "The Asshole" Owens.
Jekyll: Yep. An Eagles team that held LaDainian Tomlinson to 7 yards a few weeks ago- with their defense, and the way the Skins have been playing lately, all they'll need is 3 points. Akers can take care of that.
Hyde: So you're saying you think Washington's getting shut out two weeks in a row?
Jekyll: Yes. That's what I'm saying.
Hyde: Good luck with that, buddy.
Final: PHI 10 WAS 17, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread.

CAROLINA at Tampa Bay (+1)
Hyde: I like this Panthers team, they've been solid the last few weeks.
Jekyll: I can't stay away from Jon Gruden and Carnell "Cadillac" Williams.
Hyde: Cadillac. What a lame nickname. You're telling me they couldn't have come up with something better than that? A friggin car? You gonna call him Caddy?
Jekyll: Like you've got something better?
Hyde: Yes-- Carnell Knowledge.
Jekyll: Oh that is beautiful. I'm taking Tampa just because of that.
Final: CAR 34 TB 14, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread.

PITTSBURGH at Green Bay (+3)
Jekyll: The pride, the tradition, the fans of Lambeau field.
Hyde: The Steelers running game.
Jekyll: Come on, these guys have something to prove. Favre owes it to himself.
Hyde: Whatever, man, I don't bet against a team with three starting running backs. You know this.
Jekyll: What about that whole 'home team advantage' you always make a fuss about?
Hyde: I don't care. They have the defense, they have the running backs. They have this game. I don't care that Big Ben's out.
Jekyll: Ok, well you have your little fantasy there with Charlie Batch-- who owns the second longest active losing streak as a starter-- and I'll watch the lowly Pack finally win one at home.
Hyde: Deal. I'm just pissed because I have Hines Ward on my fantasy team.
Jekyll: Ouch, man. Ouch.
Final: PIT 20 GB 10, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread.

Tennessee at CLEVELAND (-2)
Hyde: Hey what's with these shitty games this week?
Jekyll: Is that a 'Browns' reference? Shitty? You're so mature.
Hyde: No, idiot, I just mean that none of these teams have any real legitimate shot at making the Super Bowl this year. Not even Philly, unless they cryogenically freeze McNabb until week 17.
Jekyll: True dat, homie. Nevertheless, I'm picking Cleveland here to finally get one at home.
Hyde: Fine, I'm going for the upset special, Steve McNair leading the Titans to a big W.
Jekyll: Enough said about this game?
Hyde: More like too much. Titans Browns. Ugh.
Final: TEN 14 CLE 20, Jekyll wins straight up, Jekyll wins spread.

Monday Night Madness
INDIANAPOLIS at New England (+3.5)
Jekyll: Finally, a worthwhile matchup.
Hyde: Well what did you expect? Like we're really going to disagree on a 10 point spread?
Jekyll: I know, I know. How do you like the champs in this game?
Hyde: Not good. Not good at all. They have 3 injured running backs and a banged up secondary. They got a big lift last week with the return of Teddy Bruschi.
Jekyll: Who should be called Teddy Football Game by now, by the way.
Hyde: Yes, that's fine, and the only thing going for them right now is a stud quarterback who's destined for a fall.
Jekyll: (GASP!) You mean?
Hyde: That's right, I'm picking the Colts.
Jekyll: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say gasp? I meant to say choke! Peyton Manning in Foxboro? That's like a fawn in the beams of a Hummer! That guy won't make 3 passes!
Hyde: You have your theories, I have mine.

An Open Letter to Theo Epstein

2005-10-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

The back-story: Epstein Quits as Red Sox GM

Theo,

Buddy. Pal.

Wow.

What can I say? Where do I begin? All these strange emotions, all directed at a man who was responsible for maintaining the glory of my arch enemy. A guy who shamed the Yankees-- my Yankees -- with one of the top comebacks in sports history. A now-former General Manager who will never have to buy his own meal in the city of Boston ever again. A demi-god who can probably summon oral sex at the snap of his fingers. I mean, let's face it: that city loved you.

You grew up just blocks from the Green Monster itself. You idolized a frustrating band of losers as they plodded their way through years of futility. You went to games, bought the cards, listened to radio broadcasts that never would have guessed that you, a native son, would be the one to build the team that repaired 86 years of heartbreak.

And yet, here you are, currently unemployed. You walked away from a multi-million dollar contract for reasons that might never be known. The thing is, everybody knows that you probably took the high road in this deal, but still. You walked away.

There's a whole generation of people your age-- in fact, I'd make a fair wager that you're one of them-- who are out there right now, looking for work, looking for happiness, looking for somebody to notice their one talent. In other words, they're looking for a chance. You were given that chance, and you won a World Series. A World Series. That deserves an F word. Fuckin' A, man.

You might not realize it yet, or maybe you do, but you were an inspiration to young people all over the country. Young people who know they're smart, know they're talented, but don't feel like putting in their 'due time' in a system that's clearly not looking to give back their 'due rewards.' You're a walking symbol, an icon.

And this is coming from a Yankee fan.

True, the success of one does not necessarily equal the automatic success of others. It was you, after all, who inspired the dreadful tenure of Paul DePodesta in Los Angeles. But that wasn't really your fault. You learned from the best, and you carried yourself as one of them.

Whether it be from the fans of Boston or simply the slowly aging youth of a confused generation, you'll be missed. And I can honestly say congratulations on a job well done.

PS: Red Sox still suck.

Saturday Strikes Again

2005-10-29T16:05:00.000-04:00

"I just want to disappear,
And feel like I'm free at last,
The time is right, my day has come,
It's going to start today,
My life of Saturdays."
-Dexter Frebish, "Life of Saturdays"

There's something about a lazy Saturday that tends to bring out the best in people. And when I say 'bring out the best in,' I mean 'give the uncontrollable urge to wake me up out of a peaceful alcohol-induced slumber to.'

It all started, for me at least, around 9:30 this morning. Or, to put it another way, about 5 hours after my night had ended. The apartment building next to mine-- the one that caught on fire in June-- is beginning reconstruction this week. Why they took nearly 5 months to start this, in the nick of time to catch a harsh upstate NY winter, I'll never know. But they did, and they start early. Drilling, hammering, pounding, you name it. All derogatory synonyms for intercourse, but also all part of the aural debris outside my bedroom window this morning. Great.

A few hours later, I got a call from the girlfriend. I responded to her in what could only be called a slight approximation to speaking Wookie.
Her: Hey there, you awake?
Me: (painfully groaning in English, fluently speaking in Wookie) must... fix... hyperdrive
Her: I'm going out, so I'll just talk to you later
Me: No, you'll be frozen in carbonite
Her: I can't understand a word you're saying
Me: Lando, how could you?
Click.

Before I could get fully back to sleep, my phone rang again. My buddy Mike, a former roomate and now chained denizen of the married community, wanted to know if I was up for golfing today.
Me: You know it's 40 degrees and windy, right?
Him: Just like St Andrews. Come on, man, it's the last Saturday of the season.
Me: Brother, the last Saturday for me was in September. I ain't goin out like that.
Him: Well, can I at least borrow your bag? I'm taking <wife's name> with me. I don't need the clubs, we're sharing mine, I just need an extra bag.
Me: ... sure. Whatever. I'll be here.
Him: OK, see you in 20 minutes. Take some Advil.

Damn, now I've got two options. Pull a pillow over my head and nap snooze-alarm-style, or I can just bite the bullet and get dressed. I choose option C, none of the above. I just lie there, thinking about the recovery operation ahead of me. Mike was right, I needed Advil.

Not two minutes passed before my phone rang again. Why am I only popular on days I don't want to be bothered, I ask myself. Myself doesn't reply. On the other end of the phone is another friend from Boston, she's having "boy trouble." Again.

"Look," I say, "I've had a solution to this issue since my dating career began. Only date girls." It gets a laugh, but unfortunately I'm now stuck figuring out the social implications of any conceivable muscle twitch for the next 48 hours. I think she took notes on a whiteboard. I'm fairly certain there was a flow-chart involved.

I leave her in better spirits than I found her, inhale deeply, and brace myself for the harsh reality outside the 100 thread count fortress. It wasn't as bad as I expected. In fact, it was much worse. I think my kidney hurts. I think my lungs hurt. I've got two of each of those, right?

Mike shows up on time, as usual, and I have an empty golf bag waiting for him. "<wife's name> will probably start complaining by the fifth hole that it's too cold," he says, rolling his eyes as <wife's name> waits impatiently in the running car, "It's going to make for a long back nine."

"Dude," I begin, intelligently, "the whole reason Scots invented this game was to get away from their wives. Don't you know anything? You're breaking all the rules. I think they even post that in the clubhouse, engraved in gold."

"I know," he replies, defeated, "but what are you gonna do?"

"Me? Now? Find my car," I say, "it's not exactly 'here,'" somehow articulating the quotation marks.

He knows from experience. "I see," he says knowingly, "you need a ride?"

I look up at the crisp autumn day, the sawdust still hanging in a cloud over the neighboring building. It's sunny, if nothing else. "No thanks," I start, "I think I need the walk."

NFL Split Picks, Week 8

2005-10-28T18:06:00.000-04:00

Author's Note: First of all, big shoutout to a new entry on my "Coolest US Cities to Visit" list: Denver, Colorado. Congrats on this one, guys.
Now on with the post, my weekly split-personality disorder football picks. Which seems to be contagious.

Jekyll: So what did we learn last week?
Hyde: Never underestimate an unpredictable team at home.
Jekyll: Right. St. Louis was missing its starting QB, two starting receivers and their head coach, all on the injured list. And they still won!
Hyde: Oh like that's better than what happened in Minnesota. You take a bunch of slackers who haven't yet got over the perma-grin from their pleasure cruise, put them against a team who put up 52 earlier this year AND has one of the best comeback quarterbacks of all time, and what do you get? A 56 yard field goal to win it. Unfuckingbelievable.

Philadelphia at DENVER (-3)
Jekyll: I'm taking Philly again this week, I don't think Denver's got the grapes after last week's loss at Giants Stadium.
Hyde: Please, Denver's been ripping teams up all season, you can't look at them from one stupid loss.
Jekyll: It's not that I'm saying they aren't good, it's just that I think Philly's better.
Hyde: The same Philly that went to Dallas and lost by 23 points?
Jekyll: Whatever, they held Ladanian Tomlinson to 7 yards last week, and that's pretty damn good, even against a strong Broncos rushing attack.
Hyde: ...and they have three years experience against Ron Dayne, yeah yeah yeah, I still pick the Broncos at home this week. It's a no brainer for you.
Jekyll: So are most things, you pothead.
Hyde: So I'm biased, so sue me.
Final: PHI 21 DEN 49, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread

Miami "at" NEW ORLEANS (-2)
Hyde: New Orleans has been good this year at home, I think they can pull one off against a leaky Miami team.
Jekyll: No way, after falling apart at St Louis last week, there's no telling how bad of a team they can lose to. I don't pick them to win a game for the rest of the season.
Hyde: Well, they're back in Louisiana this week, Baton Rouge to be exact, so they will be in front of some "home" fans, at least as much as they can muster in San Antonio.
Jekyll: Oh, is that why "at" is in double quotes up there?
Hyde: Yup, that author's a pretty clever guy.
Jekyll: I agree. Clever. Indeed.
Final: MIA 21 NO 6, Jekyll wins straight up, Jekyll wins spread

Cleveland at HOUSTON (-2)
Jekyll: I was surprised at first that Houston got favored in this game...
Hyde: ...until you saw Cleveland score zero offensive touchdowns last week.
Jekyll: Exactly.
Hyde: Well Houston's playing well when they're running the ball, even though they're the most beatable team in the league.
Jekyll: Which is why I'm picking the Browns.
Hyde: But they put up some points on Indy, so I think they may have some scrap in them after all. Plus, they're at home.
Jekyll: OK retard.
Hyde: Well they've got to be due by now for a win! Right? Right?
Final: CLE 16 HOU 19, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread

Washington at NEW YORK (-2)
Hyde: I think it's safe to say that this is our 'agree' game of the week.
Jekyll: Absolutely not, the Skins are coming off a huge win against San Francisco last we--
Hyde: You mean they still have a team?
Jekyll: Oh ha ha. Very funny. The Giants got lucky last week, and the Skins haven't been getting due credit this year.
Hyde: Because they haven't earned it.
Jekyll: They will this week.
Final: WAS 0 NYG 36, Hyde wins straight up, Hyde wins spread

Monday Night Madness
Baltimore at PITTSBURGH (-8)
Jekyll: This one's too big of a spread, we're going spread-only on this game.
Hyde: Fine, I'm still taking Pittsburgh though.
Jekyll: No fair, I wanted the Steelers this week.
Hyde: Really? Against a tough Baltimore defense.... you know you like tough defenses....
Jekyll: Oh OK, you know my weak spot.
Hyde: You want the 'under' on this game too? It's 33.5.
Jekyll: Yeah, I'll take the under.
Hyde: Good. Prepare to go down this week, bitch.
Final: BAL 19 PIT 20, Jekyll wins spread, Hyde wins over/under.

Match Made in Heaven

2005-10-24T19:53:00.000-04:00

You know those things that come around every 400 years or so, a combination so epic that it immediately proceeds to the annals of humankind's greatest achievements from the nanosecond it's discovered?

I'm talking like hydrogen and oxygen here, paper and ink, peanut butter and jelly. One of the most perfect and essential duos ever to exist.

Brace yourselves, now.

Pot and Satellite radio. Wow. And I just mean, wow.

I mean, the two things together is practically an orgasm in and of itself. I know the two of them are great on their own, but put them in the same room together and you have BOOM Instant Heaven.

I think I need a cigarette now.

And I don't even smoke.

Other thoughts on a Monday:

You think the guy who invented the Spork was actually named, "Spork?" Think about it, it's not all that ridiculous. An unfortunate surname, passed down through the generations. The guy gets hungry one day, or cheap, or whatever, and conceives of this concave/teeth hybrid utensil, makes a prototype, takes it to the execs...

I can picture it now (screen wiggles):
Spork: So gentlemen, that's my idea.
Exec: Spork, we freakin love it. You'll be a millionaire! Everybody's gonna know your name!
Spork: So you'll buy my Foon idea then?
Exec: Foon?
Spork: Yeah, the fork spoon. The Foon.
Exec: Oh... well we were going to call it, Spork.
Spork: Oh...
Exec: Yeah.
Spork: ...well that works too then.

Partial Pigskin Picks, Week 7

2005-10-21T18:41:00.000-04:00

Author's note: This post is in an ongoing series of split-personality disorder sports talks, coming from both halves of my brain. Front and back.

Last week:
Jekyll: 1-4
Hyde: 4-1

Season:
Jekyll: 1-4
Hyde: 4-1

Plus, both of them picked the Denver game correctly last week.

GREEN BAY at Minnesota (+1.5)
Jekyll: I learned a valuable lesson last week.
Hyde: Yeah? What was that?
Jekyll: Last week was a season-defining game for the Vikes. They had to prove what they were made of after the boating incident.
Hyde: You mean the one where the left "what they were made of" in small puddles on the deck?
Jekyll: Yes. That one. And they looked completely lifeless, defeated. And I will never pick them for the rest of the season.
Hyde: Even against the Pack? They're not the same Packers this year. I mean, Favre Shmavre, they kinda suck.
Jekyll: Again, I'll repeat it: I will never pick the Vikings this entire year. I'm taking Green Bay.
Hyde: Well this is one we agree on. For once.

Detroit at CLEVELAND (-2.5)
Jekyll: I picked Detroit last week and they almost picked me up. Only lost by a point.
Hyde: Yeah, at home. They're not at Ford Field this week.
Jekyll: Doesn't matter, I'm holding steady to the belief that the Lions are underrated this year.
Hyde: And I'm holding steady to the belief that you're always wrong.
Jekyll: Except with the Vikings.
Hyde: Lucky guess. I'm picking the Browns in this game.

Kansas City at MIAMI (-1.5)
Hyde: I'm never betting against a team that has two quality starting running backs. I like Miami at home in this game.
Jekyll: Hmm... two starting RBs... who does that remind me of... hmm...
Hyde: Don't be an ass.
Jekyll: Oh yeah, I remember now, KANSAS CITY! You dipshit, they have Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson. Did one of them change to nickelback? Linebacker?
Hyde: Shut up. You're the one who picked them to lose to the Redskins of all teams last week.
Jekyll: And I'm atoning for it now. Go Chiefs.

San Diego at PHILADELPHIA (-4)
Hyde: Well, after that pick, I'll LET you take the Eagles in this game.
Jekyll: Whatever, bitch. I'll take them any week. They lose to some easy teams, win against some easy teams, lose to some good teams. I like them at home though.
Hyde: I'm going to go with the San Diego team that won AT New England a few weeks ago. I don't think McNabb is healthy and I don't think they can stop Tomlinson.
Jekyll: Well, Westbrook needs to step up, but I think their D can handle it.
Hyde: That's because you're retarded.
Jekyll: Oh, and one running back can carry the Bolts this year?
Hyde: What was my record last week?
Jekyll: Bite me.

Dallas at SEATTLE (-3.5)
Jekyll: Coming off two straight wins against good teams, I'm picking Parcells and the Cowboys this week.
Hyde: OK, I'll let you ignore for now the fact that those two wins were at HOME, and now they're back up playing in the Pacific Northwest, but you know, whatever, you can pick the Cowboys after two shoddy wins.
Jekyll: Who do the 'Hawks have left at receiver now? Jerry Rice? Lynn Swan? Is Steve Largent coming out of retirement?
Hyde: You don't need top-notch receivers when you have Shaun Alexander, it's an easy win at home against an iffy Cowboys squad.
Jekyll: Iffy? Drew Bledsoe this year is looking like a young Tom Brady.
Hyde: Ouch. Let's end it on that one. That just hurts.

Dressing Like Grown-Ups

2005-10-20T18:27:00.000-04:00

I don't talk about the NBA too much on this blog. I think, maybe once I've done it, and it was brief. But I wanted to put in a few words about the NBA's new dress policy before it became sorely outdated.

A recap: the NBA is mandating that its players present themselves in 'business casual' dress anytime they're representing the team-- so travel to games, on the bench if injured, press conferences, et cetera. One of the bullet points on that mandate is that players are not allowed to wear chains, pendants or medallions outside the clothes (inferring also the Run-DMC style alarm clocks, which I don't see so much anymore, but I'm assuming they're included as well).

Why are they doing this?

It's a simple marketing thing. The NBA has none-too-subtly gone in the hip-hop direction in recent years, and while this in itself isn't a bad thing at all, the execs are afraid that this will alienate the fan base that every sport tries to lure-- families.

Having players dress like thugs and rap artists brings tons of money to the game-- hip hop culture is filled with dollar signs-- but it's also dangerously hinging itself on what could be just a fad, so when the 50-cent era finally wears off, which it will, it risks losing all the cash that this recent wave has brought to it.

OK, so it's financially motivated, so what?

You knew just by reading the article that it was only a matter of time before the race card was played. And it was, first by Steven Jackson of the Pacers. Not that I'm saying he's wrong, because if I were in that position, it would certainly seem to me that my employers were trying to make my workplace "less black."

Do I personally think it's racially motivated? No, I don't. I don't think the NBA has any issue with it being a "black" sport, I just think they're trying to make it more of a family atmosphere. When you bring families into your fan base, you're reaching youth, who will in turn bring their kids when that time comes, and so forth. You're creating a steady economic base for your product.

The easiest parallel here is to the NFL, which has done a superb job at marketing their product to young, old, hip and uncool alike. And if you compare the level of discipline between NFL and NBA players (at least when they're representing their teams), it's no contest. The NFL has got it down (but then again, you could always go into the 'team sport' vs 'individual sport' argument, but we'll save that one for now). The NFL is all about class, an attribute that many NBA players are sorely lacking.

My point in all of this is to reiterate that the NBA's decision, at least as far as I can tell, is strictly about its own economic future. Unfortunately, it creates a negative byproduct of perceived persecution. Hopefully, the players will see past that and look at the road ahead of them-- a much brighter, well-paved road-- and basketball might have some hope of gaining some of its lost fans again.

Computer Hacking and Other Monday Thoughts

2005-10-17T18:42:00.000-04:00

It had to happen sooner or later. You just knew it was coming.

It took me about a month and a half, but I finally hacked through my company's computer security policy today. It felt good, too. Real good. Real, real good.

Not that I'll start abusing this discovery, mind you. In fact, I won't do anything about it. The accomplishment lies in simply achieving it, not exploiting it. I mean, did Sir Edmund Hillary build a house on top of Everest after he climbed it? Exactly.

And yes, I think that's a fitting comparison.

Moving on, there's an odd collection of thoughts that have been clunking around in my brain since the last time I was posting regularly (speaking of which, I must have taken blog-fiber pills or something, because all of a sudden I've found myself back into regular posting mode).

(Thought 1 is outdated by about 3 weeks, possibly more)
I don't understand the outcry about Kate Moss using cocaine. Like you never saw this coming? A 60 pound European fashion model? They use coke like you and I use coffee. That would have been like finding out in 1977 that Robin Williams took amphetamines (not to throw him under the bus, and not to imply that he was, but do you think it would have surprised anybody?).

Don't get me wrong, I don't exactly endorse the white stuff, never have, never will, but this is the same chemical that Thomas Edison used to drink. Are we going to stop using light bulbs now? Let's get a grip, folks.

(Thought 2 is also outdated by roughly a month)
Really disappointed hearing about Paris and Paris splitting up. This had almost as much potential as the Cruise-Cruz union. Speaking of which, I always wondered if they would have switched names, kept their own, or gone with some weird hybrid. "Ladies and gentleman, introducing Mr. Tom and Penelope Cruuze."

(Thought 3 is almost 2 months old)
Kudos to the NFL for finally playing a game in Mexico City, where attendance can regularly break into 6 figures. I bet it was the work of one of the execs who played a little too much Madden '05, because that's exactly how I figured out that strategy last year. Of course, I chose to move the Dolphins, not the Cardinals, but it's the same idea (for non-video game nerds, that's an NFL game where you have the option of relocating your franchise).

(Thought 4 comes from my road-trip to Maine earlier this month)
What happened to bucket seats? Can I still get those without buying a pickup truck these days? If I'm on a long drive with the girlfriend, this is a must. Somebody should really look into this. Stupid center console.

(Thought 5 became outdated on Friday)
My pick for the next Bond.
Now, this is going to seem weird, and it's only if they decided to go for an American guy, but I really feel like Terry O'Quinn from Lost would have made a decent Bond. I really do. And I know I'll get disagreement on this, and I know he doesn't have hair right now, but I just needed to get that out there.

There, I said it.

Dude, Where's My Car?

2005-10-15T14:00:00.000-04:00

Every now and then, Saturday mornings can rival Monday mornings as far as the levels of sheer terror. This is especially true after a night at the bar.

I woke up early today because my splitting headache wouldn't allow it any other way. I sat on the couch for a while, alternating between watching the History channel and napping to the History channel. I had only one thing to do today, which was go look at a new apartment-- my appointment was at 12:30.

At about 20 after noon, I threw on some pants, swished around some Listerine and became instantly ready for societal interaction once again. The prospective apartment was about a mile away, so I was only looking at a 2 or 3 minute commute, depending on how many stop signs I wanted to run.

But when I got outside into the street, I noticed something. Something strange.

My car was gone.

Think, Brad, think. You had a car yesterday. You had to, or else how would you have driven home from work? OK, retrace my steps here. I came home, wrote a few emails, then drove to the bar. After the bar--- oh, that's right, I didn't drive after the bar. Something about a law. Jail time. It's all coming back to me.

Ironically, the car was parked not a hundred yards from the prospective apartment complex (and if you're asking yourself now if I'm choosing an apartment solely on its proximity to bars, then I'll just say stop asking so many personal questions). So I walked.

I arrived at the office after a solid 15 minutes of briskly-paced stumbling, now at the point where the beads of sweat starting to form on my forehead smell suspiciously like malt liquor. After a brief walkthrough of a fairly standard and none-too-surprising model townhouse, I hoofed it over to my morning bar, Dunkin Donuts (yes, a bar and a DD within a stone's throw of this place-- location, location, location). A few shots of caffiene and a short drive in my newly discovered vehicle later and I'm back on the couch.

But wait, there's more.

Sitting there, settling in to the permanent groove I've left in the cushions, I'm reliving a conundrum that has plagued mankind since at least the mid-80's. A perplexing dilemma. A relentless quandary, if you will. I'm watching a movie on TV that I actually own on DVD.

Why do I do this?

I have the full, unedited, commercial-free version 6 feet from my head, yet I'll willingly sit through the entire film without thinking twice. Why? Why? I don't understand myself. Why do so many people do this? I know it's not just me. Will I get to sleep tonight? Why?

Anyway, it's now 2PM and my day is pretty much over. The movie thing is the biggest worry I have right now.

Now that I think about it, maybe Saturdays aren't so bad after all.

Schizo-Football

2005-10-13T19:21:00.000-04:00

(Author's note: This post is in a series of split-personality-disorder sports arguments. Since there's never just one side of the story)

I'm back.

I'm back, too.

We're a quarter into the NFL season (yes, a quarter, now that every team has played four games), so it's high time I bring you my two bits on football season.

Me, I'm a gamblin' man.

Me, I'm not, but I'll argue to high hell about football.

So each week I'll try to run some football talks, and some picks, brought to you by both hemispheres of a spirally twisted brain.

Giants at COWBOYS (-3.5)
Jekyll: I'll take Eli Manning and the G-Men over the 'Boys this week. He's leading a strong offense this year.
Hyde: What? Did you even watch the Eagles game last week? Dallas picked them apart!
Jekyll: Yeah but McNabb's hurt, you can't expect him to keep it up all season.
Hyde: And Eli Manning? Overrated. Come on. Show me something when it counts.
Jekyll: Nine TDs and 2 picks this year, and those 2 picks both came off a receiver's bobble. The kid's for real.
Hyde: Look, I'm not saying he won't be a good quarterback, I'm saying he's not ready to take on Parcells, Bledsoe, some reincarnation of Terry Glenn, and the rest of those guys. And do you know the Giants' record coming off a bye week? It's horrible. Plus, they have one of the worst passing defenses in the league.
Jekyll: So Cowboys with the points?
Hyde: Yep, 'Boys with the points.
Jekyll: I'm taking the Giants.

CAROLINA at Detroit (+1.5)
Jekyll: I'm having trouble figuring out the Panthers this year.
Hyde: Everybody is, that's why the Lions don't have a prayer.
Jekyll: You don't think Harrington's got a chance?
Hyde: Joey Harrington is a longer-lasting version of Ryan Leaf. That's how much I think of him.
Jekyll: I don't think he's got Leaf's arm, either.
Hyde: I'd take the Panthers in this game if they were getting 12 points on the spread this week, I don't care, that's how much I think the Lions suck. So at 1.5? Come on, you gotta take them.
Jekyll: I don't agree. The Lions haven't lost at home this year, they beat the Ravens--
Hyde: ...and the Packers, that's it! Who cares?
Jekyll: You know, if you pick the Panthers in this game, you'll officially be Sports Illustrated's bitch. Prison bitch.
Hyde: Sign me up.
Jekyll: Whatever, I still pick Steve Mariucci's Lions.

Washington at KANSAS CITY (-6)
Hyde: I'm picking the Redskins as my upset special this week.
Jekyll: And you apparently picked crack as well.
Hyde: They're 3 and 1.
Jekyll: You know the Patriots are underdogs this week too, right?
Hyde: No. I'm sticking with it. That's final.
Jekyll: Dumb ass. KC's got this game.

Minnesota at CHICAGO (-2)
Jekyll: Who you got here?
Hyde: Wow.
Jekyll: Any guesses?
Hyde: Wow.
Jekyll: Culpepper to rebound?
Hyde: Jesus Christ. I can't think of a worse game to watch.
Jekyll: ... at least they're not playing shirts and skins. I'll take the Vikes.
Hyde: No way, Chicago's D at home.

Cleveland at BALTIMORE (-4)
Jekyll: Well here's my upset special this week, I'm taking the Browns in this game.
Hyde: I like the Ravens' defense here.
Jekyll: Yeah, and you also liked them last week against the Lions. You remember them, right?
Hyde: What, you think Ruben Droughns can carry this team?
Jekyll: Better than Kyle Boller. Man I hate that guy.
Hyde: Sticking with Ray Lewis this week.
Jekyll: Whatsamatter, buddy? Afraid you'll get shot if you don't?
Hyde: Yeah, kinda.

Beer Week: Meet the Drunken Idiot

2005-10-07T18:00:00.000-04:00

At Union College every year, they have this thing called "Springfest." Now, I'm sure these types of events aren't unique to my small, upstate University, but it was fun in its own right.

At the time, I had been writing for the school newspaper for over a year. Mostly, they had me cover bands and concerts (I was also on the executive board of the radio station at the time, although I hadn't yet made it to General Manager), so Springfest was a logical beat for me.

Our headliner that year was the Pat McGee band. Maybe some of you have heard of them, maybe some haven't. I really haven't been following them lately, so I couldn't even tell you if they exist anymore, but at the time they were a solid act at a college show.

Festivities started at 11 AM, which meant one of my roomates and I got up at 10:30 and started work on two 1.75 liter bottles of "Senator's Club" vodka. If you've never heard of that particular brand, it comes in a plastic bottle, if that tells you anything. By 11:30, we were loaded, so we decided to go down and check out the concert-- but not before bringing some mixed drinks in plastic containers.

At the time, the policy was that you could bring closed containers, but not within about 100 feet of the stage. They had a separate area roped off for "non-drunkies." Security was very laissez-faire back in those days. They've sinced tightened it. Pussies.

So we continued to booze. At around 2, my roomate puked all over the flagpole, so he went to go sleep it off. Me, I stayed. I stayed a while too, now that I had two mixed drink containers which were both very much full, and a heavy buzz that wasn't going away anytime soon -- after all, I hadn't eaten anything that day.

When the headliners came, I was done. I enjoyed myself... I think... and I wasn't ready to leave or anything, I just mean that I was drunk, hammered, plastered, you name it. Done. Just done. When the end was nearing (noise ordinance, they had to be off the stage by dark), I was approached by the editor of the newspaper, and between her and myself, the conversation went a little like this:

Her: So... ready to do this interview?
Me: Yyyyeeppp.
Her: You sure? You seem a little...
Me: No... no... well... yeah... maybe a lidddle. I cannn doit though.
Her: How? Did you bring a pen? Paper? Do you even know what you're gonna ask?
Me: Shherrr, I'll just wing it. I'll remember.
Her: Yeah... well... I'm going to have Becky here do the interview.
Me: Shit, really? That sucks.
Her: Go have fun. You're drunk.
Me (to Becky): I'm really usually not usually like this... usually. I swear.

At which point, I believe, I fell over. The conversation was done.

I kept my staff writer job for another year after that, when another incident not involving alcohol precluded any future journalistic endeavors, and strangely enough everybody was happy-- the editor found a more willing writer, the eventual writer was obsessed with the band, I made it to 7 something in the morning (20 hours-- I don't remember the rest of the day after that conversation, or I'd tell more), and my roomate hibernated until class Monday morning.

So you see, it was all a happy ending after all. No negative repercussions. No arrests. No breakups. No violence. It's times like these I wish I could just buy the world a beer. Or twelve. Happy Beer Week, everybody.

Beer Week: The How to the Why

2005-10-06T19:55:00.000-04:00

After my last post, you know why I started boozing. Now, you'll find out how.

Growing up in the rough & tumble suburbs of Albany, NY, where every day's a struggle, we found ourselves buying 40-ouncers from some run-down foreign-run convenience store at the intersection of Drive By Boulevard and Gangsta Way. Well, truth be told I don't know the exact intersection, but you get the idea. Maybe a little crazy to have 6 kids who haven't shaved yet packed in to a station wagon, but the point was clear -- this was beer and this was cheap.

The strangest and most disagreeable brew I've had was a particular brand of malt liquor called, "Phat Boy." I've never seen this since, so it must have been like the unknown beverage foray between Coca-Cola and Snoop Dogg or something.

Even though nobody really likes the taste of beer, we learned to like it based on it's effectiveness at turning us into brainless drooling idiots. Maybe that's some sort of psychological thing, like beer really tastes awful but as a planet we'll never know because our brains keep telling us to drink up. What do they call that? Something about "diction?"

I had an advantage during my freshman year of college. I had a headstart. Most of these preppy New England brats (I went to Providence College for that year) had no clue how to sip, chug, funnel... I mean, they couldn't even puke right. It became a stumbling block for me since I was constantly wondering who I'm going to have to sneak out of the ER before Physics tomorrow.

By the 2nd year (now at Union College), it all cut loose. We filled an entire wall of our common room with empty cases of Milwaukee's Best Ice. You might know it by the alias, "Beast." When you think of it, it was the true work of 4 engineering students (which we were, then)-- it's got 10% higher alcohol content at 15% reduced price.

The next year, we moved to high class. The highest class, in fact. The Champagne of Beers. Miller High Life. It stuck with us through that year and into Senior year, where we started adding Saranac into the mix (Saranac is a local brewery with a very very nice selection). In three short years we'd gone from the backwash to the best. Evolution, I call it.

Which all brings me to here, really. My relationship with beer is still young-- we've had our rocky, tumultuous times, along with some really good ones I'll never forget. A few more that I'll never remember, and a bunch that I wish I could forget. But it will grow. The relationship, I mean. It will grow and prosper, as I wait to bear the fruits of it-- baldness, sloth, liver damage, a criminal record, etc., but it'll always be there. I've got scars to prove it.

An Iced Quickie Between Beers

2005-10-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

Just some notes about the opening of the NHL season, about which I'll post more next week, since the games start in a half hour.

What to expect this season:
Penalties, and lots of 'em. Remember last year when the NFL instituted that "let receivers fly" rule, where they couldn't get chucked more than 5 yards off the line? Yeah, it's like that. They're once again cracking down on obstruction penalties to speed up the flow of the game. Unfortunately, this means a bunch of stoppages and 20 penalties combined between the two teams. Of course, there's a silver lining to this raincloud: more penalties equals more power plays. Which equals more goals, or at the very least more excitement.

Look for historically bad teams to rocket to the top of the standings and vice versa. Remember, there was a huge roster shakeup this year, so the team in your area, no matter whether you know the team name or not-- in Nashville, I'm guessing not-- could make a playoff run fairly easily.

Ticket sales are already up. Season ticket holders in some markets have been given personalized jerseys, free concerts, first dibs on other stadium events, lap dances, you name it. Well, I made that last one up, but my point is that this league is serious again. They're struggling to maintain their "major professional sport" moniker, because they've finally realized they could lose it.

Do do yourself a favor this year. Make a hockey player happy. You won't regret it.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, my old geezers's winter league starts this Friday, so definitely take that last point to heart.

Why the Wagon Won't Let Me Back On

2005-10-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

At one point in my career, I told myself I'd never drink again. Admit it, you've done it too. There's no shame in it, really. I'm glad I stopped at once.

I was young, naive, all of 16 years old and my first experiment with vodka had failed with flying colors (by the way, that color was red, the same color as the cranberry juice I ingested just hours before, and yes, it was definitely flying). My best friend laughed at me, and rightfully so. I returned the favor the following summer.

I know now that it was dumb of me to say, because it wasn't more than a few weeks before I was partying again. I learned my lesson. As I sat there sipping my Molson (it would be years before I had the courage or the stomach to hit hard liquor again), I realized that no matter how many intestinal mistakes I made (not many after that first one), I would always come back to the sauce. Not to rely on it with any sort of chemical dependency-- that's a disease-- but, well, hell I just like my beer.

I'll attempt to steer this rambling bit back to a topic with this little analogy:
Imagine you like ice cream. For some, this won't take too much right-brain power. And this ice cream is slowly making you look like the first season of Roseanne, causing you to walk through doors sideways and setting you on the fast track to type 2 diabetes. Now imagine there's a Haagen-Dazs factory across the street. You think you're going to quit? You think you've got that much willpower? You think you can lay off that last pint of Rocky Road? Really? You think so? You think you're that tough?

Well, you're wrong. And I know this because I have the #1 beer bar in the country within safe walking distance of my apartment. At any given time, over 500 types of beer. They even keep track of how many beers you've drank through a low-tech computer system. There's free stuff rewards for milestone beers (50, 125, 500, etc.). And I'm supposed to stay away from this? Sure, right, no problem.

It's like putting cookies in front of Cookie Monster, Scooby-Snacks in front of Scooby-Doo, cocaine in front of the 1986 Mets.

I'm not saying I'm some sort of dysfunction on society. I have a job I drive to every morning. I'm not violent or destructive. Not by any means. I'm just saying hey, I like the sauce.

I'm ending today with a trivia question. Guess how many different beers I've had at this holy Mecca of hops?
A) 100
B) 250
C) 400
D) 550

Beer Week

2005-10-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

I'm going to tell you that Beer Week is here. I'm going to tell you that Alison, Scott and I are doing it. I'm going to tell you that the whole week is chock-full of alcoholic goodness. What I'm not going to tell you is that Oktoberfest ends on the first Sunday of October, which was yesterday. Because that would ruin it. And I'm not that guy.

Seriously.

Luckily for us, local breweries promote their Oktoberfest brews throughout the month without a trace of irony. While Bavarian residents are busy churning out inventions that rival the steam engine, American nationals are still enjoying (and recovering from) the fruits of the season (the pumpkin ales around this time of year are nice).

So what is an Oktoberfest beer? My Page-a-Day "365 Bottles of Beer for the Year" desk calendar describes it thusly:

In general, Okeboterfest beers are malty, sweet, copper-colored lagers with low to medium levels of bitterness. This beer style was originally brewed in March for consumption in the fall, but today many of these beers are made year-round.

Got that? So you've got a darker (but not "dark"), sweeter (but not "sweet") beer. Won't be as carbonated as a Budweiser, but they'll finish a lot smoother. Great for those crisp fall days when you're enjoying the foliage from the comfort of your cubicle at work. Just don't get caught.

And for a bit of beer news from outside the European continent, check out this gas-inducing concoction from our neighbors to the south.

After these messages...

2005-09-30T09:16:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know I missed this week. Don't even start with me.

Actually, the girlfriend is in town this week so I did have a valid excuse in there somewhere.

Anyway, coming up next week: Scott, Alison and I have "Beer Week" planned. After that, I have plenty of stories from my trip across the Northern border from last weekend (to Montreal), a trip filled with so much debauchery I'm almost ashamed to have been a part of it-- but not really.

As for right now I'm off on my third road trip in three weeks, this time to Maine, although some of my more loyal readers (you know who you are) probably already guessed that. Talk to you all on Monday.

Inspiration

2005-09-22T22:06:00.000-04:00

I had an idea tonight. I have to thank this guy for it though.

Heroin? On TV? What is this, the trainspotting network? This is what it's come to?

Good. It's about time.

I've had this thought for a long time-- it's been in the incubation chamber. I thought it might be a good idea to write an entire blog post while stoned out of my gourd. I did something similar to this once; in college, I was the head writer for a humor magazine (surprise!). My roomate and I tried to write half an issue while drunk. Our theory was that it would be funnier if it were more offensive, and what better time to think of offensive humor than while plastered?

Well, it worked a little too well. Think AIDS jokes. Think Princess Diana jokes. Yeah. It was that bad.

So the genre rested for a while. Until tonight.

To be honest, I hope I read this tomorrow and wonder what the hell I was on to publish this swill over the information superhighway. But I'll know, and that's the best part.

Anyway, that's the best I can do right now. One lame story. Sorry. This is a bigger disappointment than the whole virginity thing.

But keep it on and on, playas. BC is out. Damn.

O'zapft Ist!

2005-09-20T23:52:00.000-04:00

Oktoberfest is here.

October is the month for great jugs. Of beer.

It's been here since the 17th, so I would have told you sooner but I've been a little too busy to play Paul Revere with this. And besides, it's not like it's a one-night-only event.

I'm going to save the bulk of this post for a few weeks from now, when Scott, Alison and I are going to form like Voltron to bring you an entire week of beer. It's a triple threat.

In the meantime however, and because I consider myself a philanthropist of alcohol, I'll just leave you with a heads-up on what to look for this season as far as Oktoberfest beers: from the imports section, Spaten makes a decent and well-distributed brew; in the Northeast, the Saranac brewery's ale is a welcome addition; nationally, Sam Adams also puts out an O'fest this time of year, which you can probably find at the local Piggly Wiggly.

Go enjoy, but don't show up to work too hungover. Or if you do, don't blame me this time. I'm sick of the hate mail.

Oh, and since you're probably wondering, the title of this post is German for "The beer is tapped," which is the phrase shouted by the mayor of Munich each year when the first keg is devirginized.

I'll Pass, Thank You

2005-09-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

Ever been to the Northeast? Ever taken a toll road there?
If you answered 'Yes' to these questions, you were most likely the recipient of the shittiest gameshow vacation prize ever. You lucky dog, you.

See, about a decade ago, the State of New York thought it would be a "cool" and "really futuristic" idea to have lanes on the toll roads become electronic. The product of this brainchild is called "E-Z Pass." It saves you, as a commuter, a bunch of time because you don't have to get a ticket and sort through your change tray every 14 seconds. It saves the State money (and this is the biggie) because they no longer have to pay some shlub to sit at a booth and collect the money you just dug out of your change tray 13 seconds ago.

Hooray, hooray, everybody wins.

Or so you think.

There's a caveat here. The state didn't have an open audition to see who could create the best computerized tag system (they call these things "tags," they stick to the inside of your windshield and the tollbooth reads them... I don't really know why I'm telling you this, if you've graduated from a horse and buggy you should really know this by now). They commissioned the lowest bidder. They'll probably have you believe that it was some huge contractual bargain war, but the end result is so incredibly devoid of worth that I'll never believe the best company won that bid. Ever. (hmm... two superlatives in one post... I'm on fire)

So what we ended up with here in NY (and NJ, Mass and surrounding areas) was a piece of crap company supplying the 'next generation' tollbooth hardware. And it's a crock.

I took economics in college. It was my major, in fact. Hard to believe, I know, what with all the nerdy computer stuff I do, but I'm not lying here. If you've never taken an econ. class, I'll illustrate a simple principal: Competition good, monopolies bad.

When you have a monopoly over a market (as E-Z Pass does over the tollbooth thing), there's no pressure to improve, no pressure to excel beyond "poor," no pressure to innovate, no pressure to have any sort of customer service above "sucks donkey balls."

So, for example, if Ohio came out with a vastly improved futuristic toll-thingy, it still wouldn't matter since NY would need to buy in-- and they can't with this contract. I've heard this has actually caused several dozen economics professors to commit mass coordinated suicides. My former thesis advisor was one of them.

In the mornings, the E-Z Pass lanes are literally longer than the cash-only lanes, and while you can argue that they move a little quicker in some areas (unless you have the case of an unwitting tourist, then everybody's screwed), I've found that on my morning commute it makes virtually no difference. That's right, I tested it.

Look, I'm not saying that it's not a good idea. It's a great idea. But bring some competition in here. Give us a choice, New York. Any choice. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with quarters on top.

The Black Entry

2005-09-14T21:07:00.000-04:00

"If you can't respect that,
Your whole perspective is whacked.
Maybe you'll love me when I fade to black."

Well, OK, so maybe this isn't my exit blog entry... but I feel like any one of these could be. Am I done blogging? Is my creative inkwell gone? Why did Oceans 12 suck so bad?
These are just a few of the questions that haven't been keeping me up at night.

See, there are a few things different about the new job. I'll list a few here.

No personal email (and I want to clarify this-- it's not just 'Hey, don't do that,' they actually block all the web-based email sites, along with anything that could be considered 'fun' at work. And yeah, blogger's one of 'em)
Office of about 1,000 people (old office had roughly 30)
Parking garage. Fancy.
More responsibility.
People who care what you do during the day.
Et cetera.

Usually, by the time I get home from work I'm so fucking sick of computers, the mere thought of turning mine on is pretty much out of the question. This was fine-- for a while, but now that I can't do the personal stuff at the office, it falls to home. And I find that I ask myself, do I really want to power up that evil thing here? Do I? Really?

No. I don't.

But there's a paradox here (which, if you haven't figured it out by now, is evidenced by the fact that I'm writing now... duh). So maybe all blogging hope is not lost. Yet. I'm sure I'll find some happy medium again where I can entertain myself with my own thoughts (and hopefully a few of you too). Until then, be patient.

And much like Jay-Z, you can be sure I'll be reintroducing myself soon. Bitches.

Questions Answered

2005-09-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

Here's a sordid collection of half-thoughts as I slowly regain my ability to type (you lose this sort of stuff on vacation).

- My trip was 2 parts. The part you see in the next post was in Italy. So kudos to Michelle and Abra who nailed that question, bonus points going to the latter for getting the city, and at the same time coming dangerously close to that stalker category which makes me wonder just who comments on some of this stuff.... hm... I'm rambling...

- Would it be terribly difficult for airports to install some sort of outdoor lobby? Is it that difficult to get some air? Please. We're dying here.

- The movie selection on the trans-Atlantic flights were Fever Pitch and Miss Congeniality 2. So when the stewardess came over offering headphones for sale, I replied that I'd buy only under the condition that they'd hold 190 lbs in a noose. She didn't get it.

- Oh, by the way, the second part of the trip was a week in southern Alabama to visit the girlfriend.

- No, they weren't affected by Katrina in her town. But thank you for asking. Kinda.

- Pot can really enhance a live Fantasy Football draft. This wasn't so much a discovery on vacation as it was after I got back, but it fits here nonetheless.

- Yes. Italy was cool. Tuscany is indescribably picturesque and I wouldn't do it justice even attempting to tell you about it. So just go there already.

- The trip was actually a family vacation, with my parents and 3 brothers. That's right, a family vacation. I'm in my mid-20's now and the last time I took a family vacation was well before I entered high school. But I'm past the point now where I'd forgo a week's vacation for lacrosse practice-- or in this year's case, softball playoffs. Either way, screw everything, when you get the chance to go to Europe, you do it.

- Next vacation is with the girlfriend up North somewhere. I'd tell you where but apparently Abra can just leave a comment with the city and state anyway, so what's the point?

- Yes, I get a kick out of poking fun at commenters I barely know. I find it easier to make friends that way. You may be wondering now why I don't have any friends. Well fuck you too then.

- I have court tomorrow for a speeding ticket. Wish me luck.

The Return

2005-08-29T07:51:00.000-04:00

Napoleon from Elba. Jordan from Baseball. Bellbottoms from the Salvation Army. Europe from the Plague. Hugh Grant. Jesus. Elway. Carbohydrates. Balboa. And now, me.

That's right. I'm back.

So where have I been, you ask yourself. Simple, really. As I was literally inbetween jobs (I start today at the new one), I took a vacation that brought me around the globe. To where? Well, I'll leave you with this photo mosaic and let you figure it out. Correct guesses score you 100 points, incorrect ones infer permanent banishment from the comment section...

Or not.

Talk to you soon.

Gone Fishing

2005-08-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

To: Readers
From: Brad
Re: Vacation

Thursday was my last day of work. I'm headed off to travel the world. Be back on 8/29.
Take care.
-b

Performance Enhancers

2005-08-09T11:55:00.000-04:00

I have a confession.

I feel like now is the appropriate time to come out with this information, now that the steroid scandal in baseball has people across the country talking about chemical enhancements. And I have to say, I'm sympathizing with Mr. Palmeiro on this one.

I am not a professional athlete. I program computers for a living. I work in a field that does not require muscular fortitude. Rather, it requires a sharp and advanced mind. Hulking biceps and overgrown quads won't help me much. Superior intellect will.

About a year ago, I learned that my company would be handing out promotions to a few select employees. Luckily, the promotions weren't being granted for office-politic-ass-kissing, they were based strictly on merit. I was level with a group of a number of peers, only some of which would be upped to senior level in the coming months. I needed an edge. I needed to stand out. My career, my wallet, all depended on the promotion. I decided then to make the same choice many star athletes made, but instead of physique-expanding, my variety was mind-expanding.

To my knowledge these supplements came from South America, although new research into the topic suggests Western Canada as a possibility as well. Hell, for all I knew, they could have been grown in some frat-house attic. I didn't care. I needed to expand.

It was easier than steroids. No injections necessary. No visible marks. Inhale, exhale, it was that simple. I had a friend of mine show me the ropes, but after a few times, I was flying solo. I didn't need any help.

I began a regiment starting on weekends, mostly late on Friday nights, but it soon expanded into the week. Before I knew it, I was augmenting my cerebral cortex three, maybe four times a week. My bosses noticed a difference. Not only was I performing better than in the past, but I was also able to take on multiple tasks at once. My confidence was through the roof. Work was fun again. I was approaching a .400 completion average on projects, a number unheard of for computer programmers. The best guys at Microsoft finish maybe 30, 35%, and here I was putting that to shame.

But I wasn't the only one. Whispers were going around the cubicles that a guy at one of our rival companies was making a run at Linus Torvalds' hallowed single season record. It was ridiculous. Guys weren't just finishing crosswords at an unheard of rate, they were taking D&D characters to new levels, putting Easter eggs into every software program, even hiding graphic sex scenes in video games. All the old standards were being crushed.

Needless to say, I got the promotion at work. Nobody was suspicious, I was young and maturing into a productive worker. My stats from college showed promise years back, so it wasn't like some new development. Some of the older folks mumbled that I might be the next superstar. The ceiling was off.

I never thought what I did was wrong. The company's policy was excruciatingly lax, and failed to mention anything about performance enhancers. In hindsight it may have been odd, since even places like Burger King test for that stuff, but if I wasn't getting caught, what was to stop me? Maybe it would come up down the road, maybe I'd register a positive test some years in the future... but come on. Our president was asked about it once, and he vehemently denied the effects of the supplements. "I didn't inhale," he said. Give me a break. If he never expanded his mind, there's no way he would have landed in that office. No way.

I just want to make it clear that I don't consider myself a role model. I don't want kids following the path I took. At least not until college. They should start with computers the old-fashioned way-- by avoiding social contact and failing at sports. But I don't regret a thing. I saw a loophole in the system and I took it. It's that simple.

So where am I now? I cut back once I landed the larger contract. There wasn't a need to keep pushing the limits of my brain when a guaranteed payday was already in my lap. But that doesn't mean I stopped. You could be the best programmer in the world, but there's always going to be some punk kid trying to knock you off your throne. And that's why I keep at it. I stay in the game, I keep my mind in shape. I'm not as young as I used to be, but if I can keep just a little of that edge, I'll smoke it every time.

Bad News Bachelor

2005-08-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

Football fever hits early here in Albany, if only for the fact that we've been the home to the New York Football Giants' training camp for the last 10 years. Given that the facilities are only 3 miles from my apartment and the fact that I've been a Giants fan since conception, it goes without saying that I've made a few practices this year (some wearing my #80 jersey... much to the horror and/or amusement of the girlfriend, who may have come to the realization that she's dating a dork a little too late... and yet she hasn't run away screaming, proving once again that she's a keeper... but I digress).

If you follow football or even if you don't, a good starting off point for this piece of knowledge is that barring an act of God or a coked-up Lawrence Taylor, Eli Manning will take every snap as QB this year. Going into camp, there were three guys behind him in the following order: Jesse Palmer (aka TV's 'The Bachelor'), Tim Hasselbeck (the one not married to the chick from Survivor), and Jared Lorenzen (aka "J-Load" or "The Hefty Lefty" - Quick note about 'the Load': seeing him take snaps is a gift from above. Here's a guy listed at 6'4'' 275lbs, which is the body type more commonly associated with interior linemen, yet he's got a cannon for an arm. If the G-Men fall out of playoff contention, this guy should play every 4th quarter. People would stick around for that. I'm telling you).

Not only did he lose his job, but now Eli's tagging the blonde.

Well, unfortunately for The Bachelor, Coach Coughlin looks like he's giving his rose to Hasselbeck. Palmer was running with the 2nd team offense last week, but Hasselbeck's taken his place this week. Sorry, ladies.

On the bright side, Palmer's still got a starting job staring at the back of the longsnapper's crotch. He seems to be holding down the position of "holder" for the placekicker-- which might turn into some hefty playing time, since the Giants' red zone offense is the field goal unit, and has been for the last couple seasons (the drawback to having Mighty Mouse as your running back).

Friday's Links - 8/5

2005-08-05T14:54:00.000-04:00

Article 1 - I believe they're calling this "The Ashlee Simpson Strategy" now.

Article 3 - I always thought that if they did this, it would be called 'The Scrotum Soliloquies.'

Article 2 - But speaking of cocks...

Article 4 - You couldn't have just said, "irreconcilable differences?"

Article 5 - Websters Unabridged uses this example for "irony."

Article 6 - Sometimes your words just hynotize me.

Article 7 - With all the crap going on in baseball, it's good to know there are still some good guys left. Touching article.

And for our last piece of business, we'll turn it over to America's newest psychotic sweethearts for a little baseball commentary.
Jekyll: Well Mr. Hyde, looks like you were right about Raffy yesterday. He cancelled his own ceremony. Did it like a man, just like you said.
Hyde: You had doubts? About me? Being right? I'm always right. I know who the leader is on this team. These personalities. I'm who the readers come to read. You revolve around me.
Jekyll: So now you're going Gary Sheffield on us?
Hyde: No, I'm just joking. He wasn't. What a jackass. There's a way to get NY fans on your side. That ain't it.
Jekyll: So what does Shef do? Pull a Ray Lewis and shoot somebody? Your words, not mine.
Hyde: Stab, maybe. Not shoot. This is New York.
Jekyll: How poignant.

Pardon the Schizophrenia

2005-08-04T10:28:00.000-04:00

Since there's never 'just one side' to an issue, I'm allowing my split personalities to take over this column for today, "PTI" style. As I see it, there's no other way. (And yes, I'm aware that schizophrenia and split personality disorder are two different things).

Topic: Rafael Palmeiro's Hall of Fame status
Jekyll: Steroids weren't even illegal in the big leagues until this past year.
Hyde: They're illegal in the United States. What more do you need?
Jekyll: Even Canseco said there's no way to judge how much a player improves by taking steroids. Until we can measure that, how can we even say "tainted?"
Hyde: Fine, then give Ben Johnson his Gold Medal back.
Jekyll: It was illegal in the IOC then. Plus, who knows how many pitchers were juicing? Baseball's action against him shouldn't warrant an exclusion from the HOF. If they only see fit to sit him out 10 games, what's the big deal?
Hyde: Because if Selig could, he'd impose tougher rules, but the player's association won't let him. Although, now that you mention pitchers, Gaylord Perry was an admitted cheater and he's in.
Jekyll: Do you think the Oriole's should cancel the planned day in Raffy's honor?
Hyde: No. Raffy should cancel it himself. Be a man about it.
Jekyll: What does Palmeiro have to do to reconcile with the fans?
Hyde: Shoot somebody.
Jekyll: What?
Hyde: Worked for Ray Lewis.

Topic: NFL Training Camp Holdouts
Hyde: Buncha whining overpaid babies. Go play the game you supposedly love to play and shut up about it.
Jekyll: Football isn't baseball. NFL contracts aren't guaranteed. Owners can cut a player without compensating them a dime. Why shouldn't players have a retaliatory action?
Hyde: They should. They should absolutely be able to renegotiate, but not by holding out. It sends the wrong message to the fans. If you're proving you're worth more money, you need to prove that on the field, not through the press. Unless you're Terrell Owens.
Jekyll: What do you have against Owens?
Hyde: Nothing, I just hope he gets run over by a bus, that's all.
Jekyll: You don't think the Eagles need him?
Hyde: Playoffs last year: 2-0 without him, 0-1 with him.

Topic: Peter Forsberg makes the Flyers Cup favorites this season
Jekyll: Forsberg makes anybody the Cup favorite.
Hyde: They're already over their cap. They're going to have to cut somebody, and that's going to mean a loss to the team.
Jekyll: Yeah but who else is there?
Hyde: Colorado's in it. Calgary's way up there. And did you forget about the defending champs?
Jekyll: I'll only include Tampa Bay if they get Khabibulin back. Without him, they're average.
Hyde: You're.... average. How about Edmonton?
Jekyll: Contenders. You like Detroit this year?
Hyde: Please.

Topic: Jockey Day retires after 32 years
Jekyll: Horse racing isn't a sport. Jockeys aren't athletes.
Hyde: Couldn't agree more. Next topic.

Topic: The Columbus Blue Jackets have the ugliest jerseys in the NHL
Jekyll: Adam Foote went from Colorado to Columbus, making the biggest decline in jersey-attractiveness possible. The Av's jerseys are striking. The Blue Jackets look like a circus.
Hyde: Not as ugly as those old Phoenix jerseys.
Jekyll: We're talking current here.
Hyde: Then I'm going with Atlanta as ugliest... but Columbus is close. By the way, those alternate Avs jerseys are just a cheap rip-off of the Rangers.
Jekyll: That wasn't necessary.
Hyde: Says you.

Topic: You excited about the new X-Box 360?
Hyde: Not for 300 bucks.
Jekyll: I'm a PS2 guy, myself.

Topic: Is Anna Nicole Smith still hot?
Hyde: Yes.
Jekyll: What?!? Are you on drugs?
Hyde: Several. But what can I say, I'm a boob guy.
Jekyll: You're something all right. I'll take Mandy Moore over her any day.
Hyde: What is it with you and that girl?
Jekyll: Only reason I'm watching 'Entourage' this season.

With a Capital S

2005-08-03T15:38:00.000-04:00

Albany, NY.

Capital of the state of New York. Home to The Egg, the River Rats, Interstates 90 and 87 (yeah, that's right-- we got 2), and the Giants Training Camp. Among other things.

And now, the home of the hottest sex scandal in the country involving Catholic schoolboys. Except now there's a twist-- the sex was with a female (article here).

Not only has the story gained local attention, but the fact that it's gained National attention has gained local attention (slow news day).

It's going to be a long, hot summer here in upstate NY.

Fantasy Draft

2005-08-02T15:24:00.000-04:00

One of the main sticking points of the NFL's Madden franchise for the X-Box and PS2 is the 'owner mode,' whereby you draft your team from a pool of every available player in the entire league, simultaneously acting as owner, president, general manager, coach, quarterback, staff sargeant, waterboy and fire marshall. The world is your oyster as you start your own team from scratch. Some have posited that this should be a national day off for men-- kind of a yearly occurrence that makes up for never having the privilege of maternity leave.

Essentially this is what's happening in the NHL right now. 400+ free-agents all vying for their own slice of a salary-capped pie in a brand new untested market. Conventional wisdom (i.e. my own) tells you, as a player, to act soon, before teams fill up their cap room. Waiting until the market sets itself could mean a substantial paycut and/or a ticket to play in a hockey dead zone like Nashville. Yes, that's right, Nashville. God I hate saying that. (Author's note: I am not in any way saying Nashville in itself is a bad city, I'm just saying that as a choice for a professional hockey team, well... it's kind of like putting a roulette wheel in a monastery-- it just doesn't fit with the culture).

Some teams around the league had as few as 4 players under contract for the upcoming season (for all you hockey newcomers, pro teams carry between 20 and 25 players, so that leaves a fairly substantial gap to fill). Mind you, this isn't just former NHL'ers looking to extend or get a new contract. This includes the last 3 draft classes, minor leaguers, and the myriad players in overseas leagues (mostly in Europe) who've established themselves this past year playing against 'real' NHL stalwarts. And even if a player had been under contract for the 05-06 season, their respective teams had the option of buying out those contracts, freeing up cap-room and giving those guys their walking papers. Yikes.

So while companies like Cingular and Verizon should be making a killing with the NHL execs' abused 'anytime minutes,' fans get to sit back and quite literally watch their favorite teams get built from the ground up. Large market, big spending teams like Detroit and Toronto watch next year's Cup chances float away as their veterans leave for greener pastures. Small market, small spending teams like Atlanta get to lure free agents with their extra cap room, blending pricey talent with a young, inexpensive (yet inexperienced) core. And large market, foolish spending teams like New York get a much needed mulligan on the last ten years and can finally start their rebuilding effort. Thank God.

The signing period began Monday, 8/1 and already the big names are starting to sign. Nieuwendyk and Gary Roberts in Florida. Glen Murray resigns with Boston. Holik to Atlanta (best move so far with guys like Kovalchuk and Heatly already there). Blueliner Foote's now a Bluejacket. Philly signed three 6-foot-5 defensemen (Hatcher, Therien and Rathje) in an apparent move to bring back the glory days of the Broadstreet Bullies. And if you've been trying to follow the moves on ESPN.com, just stop now and go to their Canadian counterpart, TSN.ca. Don't ask questions just trust me.

And for all you on-the-fencers out there who have even the slightest inkling of following hockey this season-- play the fantasy leagues. You're not going to find much front-page news or televised game coverage this season, but if you're in a fantasy league, it'll track you down instead. The good ones (like Yahoo!) are free. You've got nothing to lose except productivity at work. And frankly, who's going to miss that? You're already wasting time by reading blogs (Author's note: This does not in any way mean that you should stop reading blogs... especially this one).

The Atkins Funeral

2005-08-02T12:04:00.000-04:00

I'm glad that most of us survived the fad known as Atkins. The low-carb thing had run its course a long, long time ago, and its burial is a great relief to "the rest of us." So while we're currently inbetween diet crazes, I'd just like to share the one thought I had through the entire anti-bread rage of 2004.

Robert Atkins, pioneer of the diet bearing his name, died before he could realize the riches of his idea. He died because of severe head trauma suffered when he slipped on an icy patch on a city sidewalk. Let that sink in for a moment. It wasn't because of cholesterol, diet, or anything like that. It was a sidewalk.

Sure, there's a lot to be said about getting your exercise and living healthy. When your body's healthy, your mind follows, and I'm a firm believer in an active lifestyle. But you don't have to hurl yourself into every diet that comes around. Live life. Don't subject yourself to the throes of some silly fad, just because of some magazine advertisement. You just never know when your next step will hit the icy patch.

What the Hell?

2005-07-29T14:24:00.000-04:00

Does anything about this article seem a little too familiar?
Like, coming three days after I wrote this?
Give me a break, Simmons.
And this coming from a national columnist who complains constantly about his work not getting the proper recognition.

Friday's Links - 7/29

2005-07-29T11:40:00.000-04:00

Article 1 - I think there was a kid at my college who pulled this same stunt after a frat party. And I don't think he was smart enough to refer to it as "my glaucoma medicine."

Article 2 - Stories like these are why I filter my tapwater through a Brita.

Article 3 - Good riddance. Goodenow may not have been a complete enemy to the NHL players-- at least not in his head-- but he was certainly one to the fans. At one point he recommended taking 2 years off to show the owners how serious they were. I hate this guy.

Article 4 - But don't be surprised if they plastic-wrap the benches.

Article 5 - I'm glad the media isn't beating up on this kid too badly. Most coaches would be lucky to have a player with the kind of heart and emotion Wright showed.

Article 6 - "Coach says be more explosive off the line, maybe he'll get me into the 3-4 scheme. Oh, and he also says my Lotus needs work."

Book Review - Highly recommended reading, of which I was reminded by the new hockey season. It actually has very little at all to do with hockey, other than the fact that the guy occasionally played for a semi-professional team. It's a biography of Attila Ambrus titled, "The Ballad of the Whiskey Robber." Attila's a regular guy who took to robbing banks under the heavy influence of Johnny Walker, and yes, it's an entirely true story. Julian Rubinstein, the author, does a fantastic job of narrating what turns out to be an underdog story, mixing Ambrus's exciting journey with an overlying historical picture of the political and social turmoil encompassing Eastern Europe in the early 1990's. From modest roots, Ambrus is turned into a folk hero of sorts by his own people, a kind of Robin Hood for the Eastern bloc (with one major exception-- Mr. Hood gave back to the poor, while Mr. Ambrus just spent wildly).
It's an extremely compelling read, and gets my highest recommendation. You don't want to put this book down.

Bubble of Fame

2005-07-27T11:50:00.000-04:00

I love sports debates.

It's easy to look up and down the MLB rosters and pick out a few sure-fire Hall of Famers-- Clemens, Maddux, Bonds, A-Rod, Randy, etc. But there's a few guys on the bubble who need some more help. With the induction of Ryne Sandberg this week, who played his entire career on the bubble, only to be knocked further off it by the juiced-ball era, I think these guys should get some air time. But like all bubbles, some slide one way, some the other. Feel free to leave as many comments as necessary.

Start the Bronzing Now
Andruw Jones
Going for him: Picture this fantasy scenario-- it's 2005, and you've got a time machine that will take you back 5 years, where you can pick one outfielder to be on your team for the next 10 years. So, for example, in 1995 you'd have taken Bonds or Griffey, and either pick would have been money (remember, Junior didn't hit the wall until 2000). In 2005, the consensus pick is Andruw Jones, and it's not even close. Speed and defense in centerfield with the power of a corner outfielder (and climbing). He'll breeze in after retirement. He's so far ahead of every other outfielder in the game, and he's only 28 years old (6 Gold Gloves and counting). By the way, this is also my argument for Griffey (he'll be in on the first ballot).
Could use: A World Series ring. A higher average couldn't hurt, but his power numbers should make up for that.

Derek Jeter
Going for him: 4 championships, enough highlights to fill a bank vault, 100+ runs scored in 9 of 10 seasons (I'm projecting 2005), ROY award, WS MVP, All-Star MVP, Mariah Carey...
Could use: A top-5 finish in the MVP race. Maybe two.

Manny Ramirez
Going for him: Fearsome hitter, RBI machine, high career avg, will have 600+ HRs when he retires, rose above hitters even in a juiced era.
Could use: Defense. But Paul Molitor cruised in as a DH, so Manny should as well. His negative rep shouldn't hurt him too much. It's not like he's Pete Rose.

Bagwell/Biggio
Going for them: Cool nickname (Killer B's), played all in one city, plenty of offense, plenty of defense, if one gets in the other's going to follow. Bigs will finish with 3K hits, Bags may get 500HRs (health is key). 1 MVP, 1 ROY and 5 Gold Gloves between them.
Could use: A freakin' playoff win here and there. This one will be close, but voters appreciate the hard work.

John Smoltz
Going for him: Reinvented himself twice. Dominant starter, then dominant closer (154 saves), then dominant starter again. A few more years of this should seal his envelope.
Could use: A new elbow. DL stints may hurt him with some voters.

Mariano Rivera
Going for him: His playoff experience blows his competition out of the water, which will put him in way ahead of "off-bubble" guys like Trevor Hoffman. Now that I think about it, Mo probably isn't even on the bubble, I don't know why I included him.
Could use: A mulligan on that one stinking pitch to Luis Gonzalez in 2001.

Not Without Full Admission Price
Frank Thomas
Going for him: A few MVP awards, decent career numbers.
Could use: The 500HR milestone. But even with that, his numbers aren't even up there with guys like Fred McGriff and Gary Sheffield. When the Big Hurt retires, voters will see his stats as a product of the era in which he played (and while we're here, Crime Dog and Sheff don't make it either).

Trevor Hoffman
Going for him: Roughly similar career numbers to Lee Smith.
Could use: Lee Smith's induction into the Hall. Sutter and Gossage are still ahead of him in line though.

Curt Shilling
Going for him: World Series heroics-- not once, but twice.
Could use: Better career stats. He's clutch, but wasn't dominating for long enough. Case study: Jack Morris.

Andy Pettitte
Going for him: Anchored 4 World Series pitching staffs, a few 20-win seasons, 149 wins by age 31, .647 career win percentage, never had a losing season. The guy simply wins ballgames.
Could use: Longevity. If he does this for 8 more years, he'll be in. But history tells us he won't.

Jeff Kent
Going for him: Career HR leader for 2nd basemen, MVP Award, mustache, Sandberg's induction
Could use: Sandberg won 9 gold gloves at his position. Jeff Kent? Zero. Kent would have to start getting better defensively even to have a prayer, and at his age, it's not happening.

Omar Vizquel
Going for him: 9 Gold Glove awards, Ozzie Smith's induction in 2002 (at the same position)
Could use: Offense. In a hitter's era, he sparkled defensively. His career numbers are pretty similar to the Wizard's with the bat, but relative to his peers, they sucked. Ozzie also won 4 more GG awards, an NLCS MVP award, and a World Series title early in his career-- something Vizquel hasn't done. Oh, plus Ozzie had the backflips. A tough call, but I don't think he gets in. (Author's note: He is, by the way, now the answer to a trivia question: Who was Greg Maddux's 3000th strikeout?)

Straight From the Podium

2005-07-26T13:09:00.000-04:00

Below is the transcript from the press conference that was given at 12PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2005. Brad C., who is notoriously ornery with members of the media, took the podium to discuss recent developments.

Brad, is it true you've taken a new job?
Wow, you assholes just get right to the point, don't you? Yes, it's true. Yesterday [Monday] I accepted a job offer from a rival company. Better opportunity, better pay. Not that I was discontent with my current job, but I couldn't pass up the offer. Next question.

How much better pay?
I don't discuss finances with the media.

When do you start?
Late next month, after a planned vacation.

To where?
Don't worry about it.

What will that mean for the blog?
The hell should I know? I haven't started there yet, remember? It could mean less posting during the day, if they monitor their employees' internet usage. But I don't know yet.

Are there any other blog changes coming?
Well, on the advice -- possibly joking advice, but advice nonetheless-- of a few commenters, I added a countdown to hockey season in the upper right corner, just below Superman.

Do you have to update it every day?
No, I'm not that energetic. It's javascript code.

Is there any truth to the rumors concerning you and Mandy Moore?
I can't comment specifically on those, since I don't know which you're referencing. All I will confirm is that she is on my 'Top 5' list.

What do you think about Todd Bertuzzi?
I actually had a similar situation playing youth hockey a number of years ago. Look at it like this-- if you had said to Mr Bertuzzi before the game that if he hit that guy, he'd crack a few vertabrae and be out indefinitely, there's no way he would have made that hit. Bertuzzi wasn't trying to paralyze anybody, he was just sending a message -- "Don't fuck with my teammates." Most of the time, that situation ends harmlessly, and both players skate away no worse for the wear, so there was nothing wrong with trying to get a little revenge. Obviously, what happened that night was unfortunate, and Bertuzzi knows it. Yes, I agree tackling the guy was out of line, and for that he should be punished accordingly. Ideally, you hit him clean and ring his bell a little. That's part of any sport. Bertuzzi's intentions weren't wrong, but you'd like him to go about it differently. Assault charges are ridiculous. He's learned his lesson, and I see no reason not to let him back in the league when his time's up. He had every right to go after the guy, but not with a sucker-punch tackle. Protecting your guys is part of the NHL, but being a goon about it isn't, and that's what they need to stop.

In my situation, I tried to slash a guy's leg pad (heavily protected) but missed, and ended up hitting the side of his knee, taking him out. As soon as I realized what happened, I immediately called the ref over, trainers, coaches. I even followed the kid to his locker room and offered what help I could give. I wasn't trying to injure anybody, but that's the way it happened. I tried to send a message and I missed by a few inches. I was suspended for it. You learn that there's ways to go about certain things, and pulling an illegal stunt isn't one of them. It was stupid but I learned, and I haven't done anything remotely close to that since-- not to say I haven't rung a few bells, but you keep the cheap stuff out of it.

Look, it's a rough sport. Shit happens. Injuries happen. But Bertuzzi learned. So let's cut the guy some slack.

Best story in baseball right now?
Derrek Lee chasing the triple crown. Hope he pulls it off. He's a good guy.

Read any good books lately?
Glad you asked. I read two at a time. I'm still working on Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Supremacy. I read Identity after seeing the movie, but I'm not doing that with this one. The Bourne novels and the movies differ immensely-- and both are good. It's amazing that they pulled it off, but they did. Yeah, the plots are loosely similar-- Bourne wakes up, has no idea who he is, has to fight against a foolish government, you know the deal. But the book goes much further, and does an awesome job of it. So if you're looking for an exciting read, check those out, it's one series that the movie doesn't ruin.

I just finished Suzanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel. Amazing. It's a tome-- just a shade under 800 pages-- and took me a few months to finish. But it's worth it. If you have the time and patience (it moves slowly through parts), it's an amazingly detailed historical fantasy set in early 19th century London, and all I'll say is that it involves two magicians. Her characters are intricately described and infinitely complex. The plot doesn't take many twists, there isn't a surprise ending, but it's enjoyable to get lost in her world for a while, and for that I recommend it. But be warned, this is definitely not a summer beach read. Take your time.

Do you have time for one last question?
Yes. And that was it. Good day to you all.

Hockey for Dummies

2005-07-25T15:50:00.000-04:00

My buddy Dave suggested that I go over some of the new rule changes proposed for the NHL, in layman's terms. A majority of the 'new rule' breakdowns you'll find speak to the hardcore hockey fans, not the casual ones (read: the ones you need to reach). Most of the country isn't too interested in the sport right now, and hopefully this will at least turn a few heads.

Rink Dimensions
No, the actual size of the rinks aren't changing (NHL-size is well below Olympic size, so it's baffling why they're trying to play that "world" style when they're not even willing to expand the ice... but I digress), but the lines within them are. The offensive and defensive zones are expanding at the expense of the neutral zone, which means more action at the goals and less crap in the middle.

They're also diminishing the area behind the net by a few feet (aka cramping Gretzky's office). This cuts down on the area in the offensive zone with no angle at the goal (can't score from behind the net). The less room back there, the less chance a player has of getting trapped with no shot. Hence, more shots.

Both of these are huge pluses.

Whistles that Casual Fans Don't Understand
Off-Sides is when a player enters the offensive zone before the puck. Sounds simple, but the rules make it complicated. I won't get into detail. But they're eliminating the 2-Line Pass, which makes it easier for big plays (think of it in football terms-- would the game be as exciting if you could only pass 5 yards at a time? No. You're looking for the bombs-- and that's what this rule enables, the long passes).
When you hear the "Tag-up rule," all it means is that players can get on-sides more quickly. The casual fan won't notice.
Changes to the rule known as 'Icing' won't be noticed much either. Don't worry about it.

Fat Goalies
Goalies won't be allowed to wear sumo pads anymore, which should have a nice increase in scoring. It's not that the skill of goalies changed at all, it's just that they were able to reach pucks more effectively by wearing bigger pads. This should help control that. It was getting ugly.

They're also trying to limit where goalies can play the puck behind the net, which is fine because goalies are fat and lazy and don't really like to skate much anyway-- which is why they're goalies in the first place. Lazy bastards.

The NHL '92 Rules
If you played the Sega Genesis, no doubt you've run across the NHL games, which were the premier sports video games of their time. They've since been overtaken by the Madden series, but their historical significance remains. They call the new rule the 'instigator' rule (Author's note: adding another 2 minutes for instigating a fight in NHL '92 was akin to winning the Stanley Cup. It made you feel good inside. The game had merits in other places but the fighting was genius. In '93 they added blood, which forced purists and parents to protest and from '94 to '96 they didn't have fighting at all, and to this day they still haven't put blood back into the franchise. It was a dark period for the entire Sega system. I guess you could say it marked the exodus for the Genesis).

If you start a fight in the last 5 minutes of a game, you're thrown out. Which might stand as the stupidest rule in the history of any sport, since you get 5 minutes (unreleasable) in the box for fighting anyway. Of course, the main reason for instituting the "game misconduct" (also known as a "match penalty") rule is that the offending players get suspended for the next game too. Which is horseshit. Fighting should be downplayed if the game's going to catch on, but why punish guys longer just because of the time at which they fought? What are you going to tell them, "Stick up for yourself but remember to watch the clock"? Come on.

Go to Olympics, Vote For Jamaica
I'm surprised I've gone 4 months into this blog without even sniffing a Cool Runnings reference, but there you go. The NHL is considering adopting the Olympic-style shootout to decide tie games, which is a change long overdue. Sure, overtime can be exciting if somebody wins, but it's such a letdown to have nobody come out on top. I was at MSG to watch the Rangers play Tampa Bay a few years back, and they walked away with a 2-2 tie. What do you say after that? "Uh... well... they didn't lose." (Author's Note: Coincidentally, that same game my brother was picked out from the crowd to compete in a between-period contest, where he had to dress up like a puck -- yeah, you read that right-- and race two other guys in an obstacle course. He was leading until the final turn when he took a spill, and ended up taking second place to 18,000 cheering fans. Great race. After it was done, he left through the Tampa Bay player's tunnel and remarked how he was taller than Martin St. Louis... and St. Louis was wearing skates. I'll never forget it).

Where was I? Oh yeah, shootouts-- good rule.

We're Not the NBA
In perhaps the most blatant slap in the face to their fellow winter-season athletes, the NHL is actively cracking down on players who take dives to embellish a penalty. I say bravo. I can't stand the crybabies in the NBA who pull that crap on a nightly basis. Whoever came up with that rule should get his name engraved on the Cup.

Assorted
Hockey feels so confident about their current drug situation that on their first try they implemented a policy with more balls than Major League Baseball's will ever have. Again, Bravo.
Bigger nets weren't approved, which is a very good thing. Although it may have benefitted the shooters in the NHL slightly, the rest of the world (meaning every level up through the pros) isn't that good, so it would have been a huge detriment to the development of the sport, especially at the youth level.

Friday's Links - 7/22

2005-07-22T10:54:00.000-04:00

Lots of material today, and fortunately, some time to actually post it. It's a welcome reprieve from a busy week.

Baseball
Article 1 - "That guy" is back.

Article 2 - An underdog story.

The Palmeiro Debate

Probably on the instructions of their editors, but possibly on their own, there have been a few columnists suggesting that Rafael Palmeiro doesn't belong in the hall of fame. That's a sham. Skip Bayless flat out refuses him, Ray Ratto questions him and the NFL's Tim Brown. Even Bill Simmons chalks up his stats to a juiced era. But come on. Raffy may have had some help from a few beautiful hitter's parks, but the fact is he's been consistent for a solid 13 years, doing the same thing year after year (after year after year...). You could see his power coming in the early 90's when he was racking up the doubles (which usually turn into HRs, see Brian Roberts for a more recent example of this phenomenon). In his entire career, he's never been on the disabled list. He's part of a 4-member club (3K hits, 500 HRs). What are we punishing him for? Not being a loudmouth? Not holding out in contract negotiations? Not swearing at his manager? For Christ's sake, the Orioles held him out of games at the end of last season to avoid paying a built-in contract bonus, and he still re-signed with them.

More compelling evidence comes from a guy named Greg Maddux, who as of today has 2998 career strikeouts and over 300 wins. And he'll be another first-ballot guy. But people don't berate Maddux by pointing out that he benefitted from playing the bulk of his career under the best pitching coach in all of baseball, on a team that relied on pitching to win 13 straight division titles (and counting). OK, I'll give you that Maddux has a lot more hardware on his mantle (Raffy hasn't won a World Series or an MVP-- in fact, he hasn't even been in the top 4 in MVP voting). But still. You play on a winning team, you'll get your wins. You play in a hitter's park, you'll get your hits. Palmeiro's been quietly doing his thing for a decade and a half, and it's about time we give him some props.

Odds and Ends
Family Guy - Despite the fact that they debunked the myth about the guy's name, it remains that the resemblance is creepy.

Obituary - Death of an American pioneer.

Roenick speaks! - I love this guy. I really do. And as a Rangers fan, I happen to agree with him on this issue. Even if you don't follow hockey, Roenick's always worth listening to, if only because he says the things nobody else has the balls to say.

Dear God What's Happened to You?!?!?
Case study 1 - A good cause. Donate now.

Case study 2
Remember when Christina Ricci used to be cute? Hot even? Like back when she made The Opposite of Sex? I miss those days.

Redneck Limo

2005-07-19T13:44:00.000-04:00

I'm wondering whether the doors are welded shut.

Friday's Links - 7/15

2005-07-15T14:16:00.000-04:00

Article 1 - If it weren't for that Burger King commercial, I wouldn't have guessed this guy was still alive.

Article 2 - "We are sorry, Mr. Blade, but you and your shapely, wisecracking team of vampire hunters will have to practice elsewhere."

Article 3 - First they take the amphetamines out of Coca-Cola and now this. Just great.

Article 4 - "I'm baffled, Mrs. Cook. I have no idea how we could have sent this enormous bill to you and your green 1997 Volvo that sideswiped my Honda last week and didn't leave a note. Absolutely baffled."

Article 5 - See, everybody from Canada is energized about this hockey thing.

Article 6 - The article fails to mention that JK Rowling printed the cure for cancer and AIDS in this book-- which would be the only rational explanation for the reactions quoted here.

Article 7 - Times like this I wonder why Ashton Kutcher can't do his lame show in Thailand.

Article 8 - Just some more hockey info, if you're interested.

I Still Give a Puck

2005-07-14T22:20:00.000-04:00

Everything that was right and wrong about hockey you can see from the most recent playoffs. What's that? You erased the games from your TiVo already? Well, allow me to recap briefly.

I watched every game in the finals between Tampa Bay and Calgary. If you didn't watch it, or really aren't a fan of the game, that first sentence alone should set off some bells. A team from Tampa Bay, Florida not only made it to the finals, but has stood for over a year now as the world champions of hockey. Give that a minute.

Tampa Bay.

In Florida.

There's no ice in Florida.

This is problem number one. Up there in Calgary, which hosted a winter Olympics in the not-too-distant past, they love their hockey. They've known it their whole lives. They got their first pair of skates before they got their first pair of shoes. So if there's professional hockey in that town, there'll be fans. It's a no-brainer.

But the NHL wasn't content staying in hockey towns (read: where it's cold), so they expanded. This wasn't a bad idea, and I'm not going to argue that it was. They're trying to make money by expanding into other markets. It's a business. And at first, they did fine. In the late 1980's, they put the biggest star in the history of the sport in Los Angeles, and it paid off. Big time. Gretzky was a god. He could score goals, he could sell products, he married a model. Hell, he even hosted SNL.

But the game evolved in the mid 1990's. Guys like Gretzky and Lemieux were aging fast, and teams with lesser talent figured out how to slow the game down to their advantage, neutralizing offenses and stifling the goals per game average. In 1992-93, two players tied for the league lead in goals with 76. One was a rookie, playing for a huge hockey town in Winnipeg. Ten years later, three guys tied for the lead-- with 41. Goaltenders aside, the stars had vanished.

The league also faced a debilitating case of salary envy around that time. This wasn't necessarily the players fault (in fact, I still maintain that the players did nothing wrong here). You can't put the onus on any one party, but hockey players were making baseball salaries, and owners couldn't hack it. They were forced to drive up ticket prices, and when you're putting hockey into a new market like Nashville, you can't do that. You're not going to hook the casual fan onto a game (a slower game, no less) by charging his family $150 a night when they can go to a local football game, a game they already know, for a fraction of that. So when the owners finally stood their ground and demanded a salary cap, I took their side. There wasn't any other option. Period. The game needs to be more appealing financially, and nobody was getting that the way things were going. Sure, you can sell out the Garden and Joe Louis Arena three times a week, but you're not going to reproduce those results in the Arizona desert no matter how competitive your team is.

But there's still hope for the NHL. It's got a lot of good things going for it already, things that it can build on (if it's smart). Going back to the most recent playoffs, it's all right there. First off, they have a guy named Jerome Iginla. He's a scorer, he's a leader, he's black, and you're being naive if you think that last point doesn't matter (and I want to take this time to mention how badly I wanted some dumbass announcer to screw up and call him "African-American." To my knowledge they didn't, but they did have to awkwardly call him "of African descent," which was lame in its own right). So not only is he a young rising star who speaks English (another underrated x-factor), he also appeals to a wider segment of the population. Then there's guys like Martin St. Louis, scrappy guys who do everything right. Hockey's version of David Eckstein. And everybody loves an underdog. If the NHL had any clue how to market these guys, they'd already have a headstart.

The last playoffs also featured two high-potency offenses, something all too rare around the league, but something the GMs and owners are desperately pushing for. They're even forming a more aggressive "competition committee" to spark the offenses by implementing some creative rule changes. They've got a kid named Sidney Crosby who's hailed as the next Gretzky. And unlike Eric Lindros, the last player to wear that title, he's not a complete asshole. He's actually, from what I've heard, a lot like Wayne himself-- and that'll be huge in the rebuilding effort, especially since there's a decent chance that a large market team could land him.

The NHL is already doing so many things right, it's a complete shame they have no idea what to do with them. The league has an unexplainable tendency to get the media focused on all the crap, and that should be change #1 for them. "It's a whole new game" is the line they're feeding us, but that's going too far. They don't need a new game. They already had everything right, they just lost sight of it amidst the dollar signs. Let's get back to the high scorers, the stars, the playoff commercials on ESPN that had everybody in stitches (remember those? Where did those go?), the fun, the jerseys as fashion statements, the fans who cared. Let's get that game back.

Game On!

2005-07-13T14:01:00.000-04:00

OK, now we're finally back playing hockey. Sorry about crying wolf last week.

The article isn't particularly interesting, but this paragraph needed an editor with a sense of humor (my additions in italics).

Now when the league relaunches in the fall, it will do so with a brand new salary structure that keeps high-spending teams such as Toronto, Philadelphia and the
New York Rangers [, who have combined to win exactly zero Stanley Cups in the last 10 years and just one in the last 30,] in line.

Good job, NHL, way to contain those behemoths. I think the Rangers were really going places by hiring failed and aging superstars. They were the only debt-relief the league had. And they still made money. They're hockey's version of the Mets (or the Yankees pitching staff, take your pick).

I did, however, take the owners' side (for the most part) in this debate. There might be a post forthcoming about this, lord knows I've argued it with my buddies enough (yes, you read that correctly, my friends and I actually talk hockey-- you'd never know people like us exist if you've been reading some of the schmucks over at ESPN.com like Dan Shanoff).

And can we now firmly state that Bob Goodenow is the biggest pushover (and worst bluffer) in sports history? I would love to see this guy at a poker table. It's like Gary Bettman watched Rounders just before the negotiations-- he spotted the sucker.

The Beer Professor Is In

2005-07-12T19:20:00.000-04:00

So many questions, so little time. Now I know how Dick Vitale feels every March.
Well, maybe not quite to that extent, but a little hyperbolic overstatement never hurt anybody.

I'm going to take you on a brief world tour of beer, covering the highlights and some of the lowlights that the brewing world has to offer. No passport required. So sit back, pop open a beer, brewski, cold one, whatever, and enjoy. Glass optional.
And for your sake (since this amounts to a beginner's lesson), I'll try to keep the highlights in the less-obscure range, since it wouldn't make any sense to recommend a beer you can't find.

Europe
England (including Ireland and Scotland)
It's tempting to think of all English beers as a Guinness (technically it's Irish, but that's splitting hairs), but that's far from the case. Although many of them share some of the finer qualities of that dark stout, they come with their own unique deviations. Most English brews will be ales, with some stouts mixed in. The carbonation bubbles are much smaller, making for a much thicker head. Many rookies mistake this as being "flat," but that's not the case. English draught beers are meant to be stored and consumed at a warmer temperature, which keeps more of the carbonation in the mixture.
Most English beers hover around 3.5 to 5% alcohol by volume (Guinness is about 4).
Scotch beers, also called Scottish beers, do not contain any actual Scotch. They're a richer, darker ale, typically higher in alcohol than a pale ale (which tend to be lighter and better in the summer months).
Highlights: Fullers, Coniston, Samuel Smith, Youngs

(Author's note: Hey kids, while we're here looking at Big Ben and Parliament, make sure to notice the different spellings in the words "draught" and "drought." The former is the original English spelling of the American word "draft" [same pronunciation], the latter refers to a lack of rain. So don't be "that guy" in the bar who fucks it up)

Germany
My favorite German style is the hefeweiss beer (German 101: hefe = yeast, weiss = wheat). You'll notice that it's cloudier than other styles. This is because it's unfiltered. Straight from the bottle, you'll see some sediment at the bottom-- don't worry, this is natural. Properly poured, the bartender will give you about 90% of the bottle, then spin it with his palms (like you're rubbing your palms together, except with a bottle in there) before giving you the remaining 10%.
On tap, a bartender will often throw a lemon slice on top of the glass. The acidity of the lemon breaks down the head more easily, so you can enjoy the beer more quickly. Of course, this is kind of an asshole move on his part, since nobody should ever need a fruit to enjoy a good beer. If he asks, politely decline. If he doesn't ask, just put the lemon on your napkin. No harm done.
The Germans also have a few more styles, which vary from what we know as lagers to some much heavier "smoked" beers that taste more like a slab of bacon than anything else (which sounds gross, but can actually be pretty good with the right meal).
Lagers, the most well-known German style, are lighter and meant to be enjoyed at colder temperatures, which is why your lager mug has a handle-- you don't want the heat from your hand to affect the temperature of the beer.
Highlights: Warsteiner, Schlenkerla, Paulaner

Czech
The Czech town of Pilsen is the birthplace of the style now known as the pilsener. The original beer made here was simply called "Pilsener" after the town, but it became so popular that other breweries across Europe started adopting the style (and the name) as their own. The brewmasters there decided to stake their claim to the style, deciding finally on the name, Pilsener Urquell ("urquell" being Czech for "original").

Belgium
Beer is to the Belgians what wine is to the French. They enjoy it in an manner that is truly their own. The typical Belgian beer, on first taste, will feel more like a champagne than a beer. It's lighter but more harshly carbonated, and the alcohol content is well above what you're used to. Belgian beers age well, often having yeast in the bottle so it will "bottle-ferment," and actually grow stronger (and better) with age, as opposed to going "skunk." Many Belgians will come in a larger bottle, and most will have a cork instead of a metal cap.
Unfortunately, due to the delicate nature in which the Belgian beers are prepared, the Average Joe won't have the budget for a whole party's worth. A few bottles here and there won't break you though.
A lambic is a type of Belgian ale that doesn't really taste a whole lot like beer. Sometimes these are fruit flavored and sweet (Lindeman's Framboise, for one, is like raspberry soda), but can also be very sour. Odd. But worth trying.
There's a brewery out in Cooperstown, NY called Ommegang, which does a better job at brewing in the traditional Belgian style than many contemporary brewers in Belgium itself. These beers, usually found in 4-packs, are a lot easier on your wallet. So if you're not quite ready for Brussels yet, start yourself off on those.
Highlights: Corsendonk, McChouffe, Abbaye, Rochefort, Chimay

Asia
To put it mildly, beer isn't really the Asians' thing. That's not a knock on them by any means, since you can find a few good beers from there... but it's like soccer in the US. Yeah, we know it's there, but really, it's not our thing.
Usually, Asian beers are consumed more for novelty purposes than anything else. You know, so you can tell your friends, "Hey, look at me, I'm having a Tsingtao!" (brewed in the PRC). They seldom come across as anything more than average, although there are still a few good ones (read: expensive ones) to be had.
Highlights: Hitachino (Japan)
(Author's addendum: If you're seriously thinking about delving into the beer selection from the PRC, you should probably read this first. You've been warned)

South America
Again, as in Asia, beer isn't really their thing. I spent a semester in Martinique (island north of Venezuela), and the locals were far more proud of their selection of sugar cane rum than any cheap Caribbean knock-off brew. I can't recommend anything from this region with a straight face, as it all comes off feeling like a watered-down Corona, and that's reeeeeeal bad.

North America
Mexico
South of the border, you can find two of the finer breweries in the entire continent. Unfortunately, the output of these two breweries pale in comparison to Mexico's shame, the beer known as Corona. Your first clue that you're drinking piss from a tequila bar is that they recommend fruit in the beer. This should raise some eyebrows. Look, if you were in McDonald's, and they said, "You're probably going to want a cheeseburger on top of those McNuggets," you'd stay away from the McNuggets. They know they have an inferior product and they're not subtle about it. And the funny thing is, everyone who drinks this crap already knows it! Want proof? Show me a person who drinks Corona without the lime.
On the other hand, if you can find a Carta Blanca or a Negra Modelo, you're in luck. Many chain faux-Mexican restaurants will feature these brews, so if you can dig around on the menu underneath Corona's ubiquitous Cinqo de Mayo ads, give those a try.
Other highlights: Dos Equis

Canada
You already know most of the major Canadian bulk brewers, because they're just as loud as the American counterparts. So I'm just going to take this time to talk about a brewery called Unibroue, which makes a fantastic selection you can't find anywhere else. Labeled mostly in French, they make lighter but stronger (closer to Belgian) styled ales, often with a far higher alcohol content than seen elsewhere (yes, higher than Molson XXX). The artwork on the bottles stands out (almost a contemporary gothic style), and they even suggest the glass to pour it in right on the label. Helpful folks.
Other Canadian beers also tend to be stronger in alcohol than their American cousins, partly because of the weather, partly to numb the pain from a wayward slapshot.

United States
Because we got such a late start, the American brewers just bastardized the existing types of beers from Europe, slapped a new label on it, and called it domestic. There is, however, one style of a truly American beer (i.e. a style born here, in the States). It comes from the Anchor brewing company in San Francisco, and is known as a "Steam" beer. Their bottles aren't hard to pick out of a lineup (they're shorter than most), so grab a 6er next time you're at the store, and you'll have a distinctly American beer in your hands... then in your stomachs... then...well, you know the rest.
In spite of the lack of style originality in the country, there are tons and tons of deviations on the existing styles to be found. American craft breweries love to spice it up by mixing in different flavors and cross-breeding styles (this applies to a bunch of Canadian breweries as well). Sometimes this works, sometimes it falls flat. But on the whole, it adds a much-welcomed variation into the market. You're not going to find this with the major players, but take a look around the back corners of your beverage center and you'll be pleasantly surprised.
The Rogue brewery, out of Oregon, has yet to produce a beer I don't like. Same with Saranac (Utica, NY), Magic Hat (Burlington, VT), Smuttynose (Portsmouth, NH), Dogfish Head (Delaware) and Stone (San Diego, CA). I know, I'm missing a lot-- there is absolutely no shortage of good beer here, so be creative when buying.
Then, of course, there's the bad beer. And that's where we have Coors light. Where to start? Coors is very much like Corona where they know they have a bad beer on their hands. How can you tell? Again, it's with the advertising. More specifically, in this new "cold" campaign they have. It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen, defying science and logic. Fact: the colder a beer is, the less you're going to taste it. This is why Coors insists on you drinking their beer at around 32 degrees, whereas most other beers are meant to be enjoyed at upwards of 40. Fact: the colder a beer is, the more the balance of carbon dioxide will be upset, resulting in a much flatter beer once it's opened. Fact: beer is not brewed cold, it's boiled. So the end result is a flat, tasteless, watered-down "beer" with the approximate testosterone level of the Lilith fair. Oh, wait, but at least it's cold. Like that makes it better. Which is why I keep saying, friends don't let friends drink Coors light.

(Author's addendum: An important fact that I brushed over in the interest of bashing Coors: Fact: Yes, cold beer does in fact keep longer than warm beer. Although for the bulk domestics, the transit period isn't long enough to make a difference. So that "shipped cold" chatter is just nonsense. Same with "a fresher beer." Realistically you're fine within a few months, if not longer for some. Better beers are best stored at cellar temperatures, which are below room temps, but above freezer temps. And I'm not getting into that stuff in this chapter.)

Conclusion
There's no such thing as a bad beer until you've tried it, so go out, drink responsibly (read: no Coors), and don't be afraid to experiment. With beer too.

All-Star News from Detroit

2005-07-12T13:53:00.000-04:00

In case you missed Scott Rolen's press conference from St. Louis this weekend, here's the transcript:

"I want to first say what an honor it is to be selected to the All-Star team by the fans of this great game. It's a privilege which I truly appreciate, to be able to play the game I love and be recognized for it. It's overwhelming, and I'm very grateful. That being said, I would like to announce my withdrawal from the 2005 All-Star game in Detroit. Although I truly feel blessed to have been chosen by the fans, I feel that with my injuries and subsequent performance this season, I would be taking away a spot from a player who truly deserved it.

"I have spoken with Mr. LaRussa and we both agreed that there is a young player from Houston, who happens to play the same position as myself, who would be a better fit on the National League's squad. That player's name is Morgan Ensberg.

"I have not been influenced by anybody other than myself regarding this decision. I felt that it was the right thing to do. For me, for Morgan, and for the game of baseball. I can only wish that come 2006, I will be fortunate enough to have a chance to be selected once more. Again, I want to thank the fans of baseball, especially in St. Louis, for their tremendous support, but now I'm looking forward for a small break to rehabilitate my shoulder, in the hopes that I can help the Cardinals to another pennant in September.

"Thank you."

None of the articles about the decision, including this one, make any mention of the conference, however. Strange. Very strange......

Some Thoughts on Beer

2005-07-11T22:33:00.000-04:00

As you know, I'm a beer lover. For about a month, due to health reasons, I was unable to drink (no, nothing serious, just a little too much partying)-- at which time I became a narcotics lover, but that's a different post altogether (and you wonder why I don't use my last name). But now I'm back into the swing of things, and figured I'd share with you a few abstract thoughts on beer.

Timing is Everything
The summer months are good for drinking the lighter beers-- not that I'm advocating "light" beers, I couldn't do that with a straight face-- but I'm talking about the pale ales, the weiss (pronounced "vice" for all you rookies) beers and the IPAs. Especially the IPAs.

It's about the prime harvest season for hops, which, if you haven't been on a brewery tour or seen a cheesy Miller Light commercial, are one of the main components in beer. Basically, the more hops, the more bitter the beer. IPAs are loaded with hops, making for a more bitter, very nice summer beer. Better when served colder.

I say this because one of my friends, who knows better, made a crucial mistake on the 4th of July. He brought a 4-pack of a top-notch but very heavy dark ale made by the wonderful folks at the Dogfish Head Brewery in Delaware (Author's Note: This could be the only time you hear me mention anything ever coming out of Delaware). The stuff's called Immort Ale (clever, I know) and because of its gravity is better at warmer temperatures, usually out of a snifter glass-- not next to the hot dogs at a July BBQ. It went down more like an alcoholic maple and vanilla milkshake than a beer that day, and I was all too quick to follow it up with a half case of Miller Genuine Draft (a real 4th of July beer).

Moral of the story: Sometimes, the best beers are best saved for another occasion. Choose wisely. But seriously, check out the Dogfish Head selection sometime, if you ever get the chance.

Just Add Salt
I saw this done on Mythbusters and decided to pass it along. If you're out tailgating, or really any place where you need to keep cold beer in a cooler, try this: use a mixture of ice and water, and dump a whole bunch of regular old table salt into it. The salt melts the ice and lowers the melting point of the water (guess I should have payed attention in chemistry class), making it a solid 10 degrees cooler than a normal ice/water mix or even just ice. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

What's In My Fridge... for now
The Sam Adams brewmaster's 6-pack. If you can stomach the overly snotty TV ads, this beer's actually pretty decent for a commercial brew. Try the Black Lager. I also usually carry a 12-pack of High Life longnecks on hand, just in case.

Drink Responsibly
Remember, friends don't let friends drink Coors Light.

"You're drunk again!"
"No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
- Family Guy

Friday's Links - 7/8

2005-07-08T10:28:00.000-04:00

Beer League - First and foremost, I have to recommend this link to everybody who has ever lived. It's a comedic but spot-on look at the world of beer league hockey, a world where I've been (in college) and also where I'll be entering two times per week all summer. They really couldn't have done this any better, from the action shots to the locker room scenes (don't worry, no nudity). Go check this out. I'm begging you.

Article 1 - Most people would kill to have parents like these.

Article 2 - A success story from a successful man. The lesson - get in on the bottom floor of an emerging technology and all your days will be roses. Seriously though, it's a good read.

Article 3 - "So, Mr. Cochrane, do you think I have a case?" "Do you have a case? Let me put it this way-- if they mess with the stars, the money will be ours."

Article 4 - The article's writer could have easily spun this the other way by changing just one word. In the beginning of the 3rd paragraph, instead of "Almost," if he had used "Not even," you'd see the liberal side of things. Damn media messing with the whores.

Article 5 - Until the WNBA has fans like this guy, it will never be a real sport.

Article 6 - $10K for a private education? You'd better go buy a DeLorean with that money too.

Tour De Vitesse

2005-07-07T21:05:00.000-04:00

Trying something new can give you a pretty clear perspective on how good professionals really are.

I've been riding the bike now for a week and a half. I've covered about 70 miles (on days I take it out, I usually cover between 9-12 miles). I know this because I have a small computer (I say "computer" in technical terms only, in truth it looks more like a stopwatch than a Dell) which gives me my current speed and distance covered. My fastest speed so far has been 33mph, which, if you've even clocked yourself on a bike, seems pretty darn fast. This was going down a relatively small hill on my highest gear (I haven't found any large hills in the city yet-- this isn't exactly San Francisco).

Wednesday's Tour de France stage was 113.7 miles. The riders finished in a pack, clocking in at 3 hours and 46 minutes. Saving you the math, that averages to be 30.2mph. Average. Over the distance of four full marathons (and then some).

Now, I realize comparing myself to the Tour riders is a little lofty. I mean, I wouldn't take one week of guitar lessons and expect to compete with Steve Vai. They have better training, better equipment, and they don't have to worry about being broadsided by a Subaru coming out of the Mobil station without looking (asshole). But still. That's impressive.

I'll keep working at it though. By which I mean, I'll try to find a bigger hill.

------------------
On a completely different note, you'll probably notice how I tweaked the blog's page design. Nothing Earth-shattering, but I think it adds a nice aesthetic value. The funny part is, I used an HTML editor on my PC but forgot to comment out the part of the code that sends the page load to my hit tracker (in non-geek: I have a counter set up to see how many hits the page gets per day, so every time I previewed the page on my PC, the counter thought it was another hit from the web). And since I was tinkering with the colors in hex (non-geek: hexidecimal code gives you exactly 16,777,216 unique color combinations), I ended up doubling my previous per-day page load record.

To which I simply say, "D'oh."

It's Too Good

2005-07-07T15:03:00.000-04:00

I hate gloating but I love being right. It's an odd paradox. But since this time it involves my secretly running the Yankees, I'll share it:

Here's my post from a few months ago.
And here's todays latest news from the Bronx.
In hindsight, it's clear why the blog was getting all those hits from Tampa, Florida a few weeks ago.
Of course, if the last two games are any indication, I may have misjudged Giambi... but I doubt it. History has always given us room for statistical abberations. I'm sticking with my original statement that he should be sent to the bottom of the East River to make room for Andy Phillips. I'm not backing down (yet).

Hockey's Back

2005-07-07T08:51:00.000-04:00

I missed hockey. I missed playing it, I missed watching it. I never considered boycotting it when it came back. I hated the bandwagon that cropped up and said 'hockey sucks' even though most of those people cheered for Gretzky and owned a San Jose Sharks jersey in 1992. Going to see the Rangers play at the Garden was a family tradition. I love the game. And I'm not even Canadian.

The lockout pissed me off from both sides, but that's kind of a moot point now that it's all (reportedly) been settled. And it's about fucking time. (Author's Note: This paragraph may have been a bit premature because of this story, but I'm keeping it here for historical purposes)

The irony is, I was planning on posting about hockey today regardless of the lockout situation, because my own personal hockey season started last night at 9:30PM local time. I'm playing in a summer league where I'll be skating every Sunday and Wednesday through the fall, which is when the winter league starts. So I'm back.

I played through high school and college (club, not varsity-- my school was D-I in hockey), but haven't laced up more than 2 or 3 times since then until last night. In fact, the last time I saw the ice was January of 2004, so I was a little rusty. It took me until the third period to find my legs, and after that I felt great. Just like riding a bike... except colder... and more painful (I took a shot to the inner-thigh, and no, I'm not a goalie).

And if you're wondering how we could possibly play hockey when it's 95 degrees outside, the answer is simple: indoors.

The NHL of course is a different story, and a subject for a completely different post, so I'll save that one for another time. But it's coming. Believe you me.

Seeing All Stars

2005-07-06T11:58:00.000-04:00

I love the All-Star game. It's not so much that it's fun to watch (it usually isn't), it's that it's one of those pat-on-the-back orgies that are so rare in sports these days (about as rare as my sarcasm).
I'll go into more detail next Wednesday (the game's played on the 12th), but for now I'll leave you with my annual All-Star Awards based on the lineups announced Sunday.

The Jason Giambi Award (Least Deserving Fan-Voted Starter)
...goes to Scott Rolen, who was hitting a whopping .246 with 5 round-trippers on June 30th (the deadline for fan voting). Has spent most of the year on the DL. And the funny part is, this wasn't the fault of the fans of St. Louis-- those guys (and gals) actually know their baseball.

The Scott Cooper Award (Biggest Argument Against the 'Every Team Gets a Player' Rule)
...goes to Tampa Bay reliever Danys Baez. Who?, you ask. Exactly. Runner-up goes to Brian Fuentes, who would have won the award if not for the fact that it would have given him too much recognition. 50 points if you can guess which team Fuentes plays for.

The Lost the Win-Win Award (Deserving Starter Who Just Missed Out)
...is Albert Pujols, who would have run away with the starting nod if not for Derrek Lee, who was just slightly more deserving. Nobody could argue against either one of these guys. This race, by the way, is what the NL MVP voting will look like in 4 months.

The Won the Lose-Lose Award (Undeserving Starter Who Sucked the Least)
...again goes to Mike Piazza (he's won like 6 of these), who has managed to stink the least out of an intensely weak crowd of NL catchers. Can you really argue that Paul LoDuca (the NL reserve catcher) should be the starter? Not very well. It's like deciding which Golden Girl you'd rather sleep with-- how do you win?

The Susan Lucci Award (Most Notable Snub)
...Morgan Ensberg of the Astros, who has hit 22 HRs for a small-market club. Stat-head trivia: How many HRs did Ensberg have by the All-Star break in 2004? (Yes, he was still the starter in Houston)
Anybody?
Anybody?
Bueller?
Zero. Exactly none. So this is a pretty remarkable turnaround for this kid. He should've breezed in. No reason why he's not on the vote-in ballot instead of guys like Billy Wagner and Trevor Hoffman. The NL is loaded with top gun starting pitchers-- an extra reliever makes absolutely no difference to them. Him and Jose Guillen need to fight to the death on pay-per-view for the 32nd spot. I'd watch.
Or, maybe a better idea would be to have Ensberg and Guillen bludgeon Carlos Beltran (.262, 9HR, starting CF) to death for the spot. Are you listening, Selig?

The Cal Ripken Award (Lifetime Achievement Award, Despite Less-Than-Stellar Stats This Year)
...Luis Gonzalez, who despite taking away spots from the guys mentioned above, still should be an All-Star. This is the guy who, if he does something important in the game, will get the loudest applause from the fans. Like when your grandpa makes it all the way to the bathroom. It's sweet, and a little heartwarming. Like in a 'Aw look, he thinks he can still play, isn't that cute?' kind of way.

The Barry Bonds Award (Most Unwanted or Negative Publicity)
...Mr. Media himself, Kenny Rogers. Come on, Kenny, can you kick my ass? I've got a Canon Sure-Shot aimed right at your mug.

Spawning New Independence Traditions

2005-07-05T18:33:00.000-04:00

For the past three years my friends and I have had a tradition. One of them owns a house near the plaza where they shoot off the fireworks. So every year we drink too much and climb up on her roof to watch the display. It never fails to impress, as long as you follow the one simple rule: don't walk too close to the edge of the roof.

Last year one of my buddies, in a moment of true inspiration, yelled out something so obvious yet so funny that I nearly did fall off. Inbetween two bursts, he yells out, "ENGLAND SUCKS!!!"

Mind you, I have nothing against England as a country or its people. But something about that line just struck me as downright funny, if only because as a country we sometimes lose sight of what we're really celebrating. And phrases like that bring you right back.

So next year as the hot dogs are crisp and the burgers are overdone, remember to shout obscenities at the king of Britain. You can even use colorful slurs like, "Redcoats" or "lobsterbacks." After all, it's what your forefathers would have wanted.

How About This Heat?

2005-06-28T22:42:00.000-04:00

Things move a little slower in the summer here in Albany.

And no, I'm not going to talk about the traffic... well, OK. But only for one sentence: (inhale deeply) In Albany there are three seasons-- Winter, Road Construction Season and Next Winter-- Winter stretches until late May/early June (May 13th, 2002: snow... I'm not joking), followed immediately by hordes of construction crews rushing to patch and repave half the state before the inevitable onset of Next Winter, which shows up in September (pause for breath), so suffice to say there are a few delays on your daily commute, whether it be across 30 miles of highway or simply backing out of your driveway (exhale). But anyway.

I've waited through a long Winter (or it could have been a Next Winter, I'm not sure which it was) for this moment. It's summer. It's here. Fucking finally.

Most of the locals take this time to gripe about how hot it is. All summer. Mind you, these are the same people who bitched all winter about how cold it was. I came to the conclusion that the only time these ingrates feel comfortable is the four days immediately surrounding each equinox. In other words, they're happy for a little more than two weeks out of fifty two. I don't get it.

Right now I feel like somebody crawling out of a bomb shelter after a nuclear fallout, seeing the light of day for the first time in who knows when. Winters are long up here, and it's been a gorgeous summer so far. This past weekend, we had a stretch of 95-degree heat with stifling humidity. I loved every second of it. I'm like a kid in this weather, constantly just wanting to be in that great place known simply as "outside."

Of course, my youthful tendencies are only heightened by the fact that I bought a new bike this weekend. First new bike in 15 years for me. And it had to be done. As you know, I had been riding my old mountain bike recently. The first time I rode it, I hurt my back. The second time, I blew the back tire. The third time was on Saturday-- the pedal fell off. Yes, you read that correctly. Not just the plastic part, but the entire metal stem that connects to the frame. Apparently, the nut holding the thing on unscrewed itself sometime during my ride. When this happened, I have no clue, all I know is that I started feeling my left foot getting far more lateral movement than it should, and when I looked down, the piece was gone. Strike three.

So what did you do?

Well, I'm glad you asked. I rode a mile and a half to Home Depot, having to kick the pedal back on with my foot every twenty feet or so (I was in sandals). At the Depot, I grabbed a 15 cent nut (which was English measurement, by the way, and you should know this because the bike used all metric-measured parts), got it about a half-inch onto the bolt before it stopped moving, and rode home (6 miles) on a wobbly pedal. The decision was made sometime during that trek.

So yeah, I got a new bike Sunday. And I love it. So I apologize in advance if I don't get to post every day. If you're looking for me, I'll be outside.

Blog Exchange with Alison

2005-06-26T23:32:00.000-04:00

(Host's Note: In keeping with a now-blossoming tradition of communal blogging, Alison and I have decided to write on each other's blogs for today. The shared topic is Reality TV. And hers is better than mine. I found this out as I made the mistake of reading hers before writing mine... you know, the same thing Scott did a few weeks ago. Because I don't learn. So enjoy.)

For those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, you know that I can get a bit personal. I share my political views, my wildest dreams and my biggest regrets. I've recounted my journey from Denver to Toronto, including the difficulties I've had adjusting to my new life here. But I've kept a secret, and a big one at that.

I'm a millionaire.

Not that I've been purposely hiding this; it's just a bit difficult to work into polite conversation. And no, I'm not an heiress like the Hilton sisters. I earned my money the old-fashioned way: I got rich off reality tv.

A few years ago, looking for adventure and a shot at fame and fortune, I auditioned for a reality show. (It never aired because it ran into some 'production difficulties', which I'll explain later. So don't do a Google search looking for it or for me; you won't find anything.) Many of the details of the making of this show are confidential; I had to sign an agreement, otherwise all the reality shows would copy off one another and then where would we be? But I'll share what I can.

First of all, the audition process was easier than one might expect. There was a quick screen test, as well as a questionnaire. Do you have any sort of checkered past that could be uncovered? (No) Will you wear a bikini on tv and/or hook up with another cast member in case the ratings need a boost? (Sure) Do you promise not to make allegations of improper sexual conduct against any of the show's producers or judges? (Ok) Even if it's true? (Ok) That's about it; I was chosen as one of 10 contestants.

The premise of the show was simple: we were dropped off in a foreign country with the following items:

- A passport
- A work Visa
- A job
- An apartment

(Note: Any logos, text or references that would disclose the identity of the foreign country were blurred out during the taping of the show. But if you pay close attention, you can probably guess the one I'm talking about.)

Like most reality shows, each week there was a challenge; losing the challenge meant getting voted off the show, or "deported". But this show had a twist: after the challenge was revealed, we could accept it or choose to "run". The second option meant turning in your passport and work Visa, leaving your job and apartment, and trying to outplay, outwit and outlast Immigration. Get nabbed by Immigration and get deported. Whoever lasts the longest - in the group or out on their own - wins. The prize: $1,000,000 and permanent residency in the foreign country.

At first, the challenges were easy.

Week 1: Your apartment leaks water from the light fixture on the kitchen ceiling, creating a fire hazard and condemning the building. You must find a new place to live; whoever finishes last is deported. (Accepted the challenge, finished first.)

Week 2: You lose your job, your work Visa, and your eligibility to legally remain in the foreign country. You must find a new job with a company willing to sponsor you and issue you a new work Visa; whoever finishes last is deported. (Accepted the challenge, finished first.)

Then they got harder.

Week 3: Name 10 players in the NHL.

I ran like hell.

Which meant I was on my own in a foreign country with no home, no family or friends, no job, and Immigration on my tail. I thought I was toast, but then a miracle occurred. I never learned the exact nature of the Week 4 challenge, but it cleared out the house - everybody ran.

And here's another secret: reality tv contestants are generally not rocket scientists. These folks got picked off pretty quickly, until I was the sole survivor. Which meant I won the million dollars.

Except for one small problem, which brings us to the 'production difficulties' I alluded to earlier. There had just been 7 deportations in a 12 hour period, all of which made the news, which brought the show more notoriety than the sum of our collective checkered pasts ever could have done. And while Immigration was a good sport about the first 3 or 4, they quickly lost their sense of humor and started cracking down. Which left me running around illegally in a foreign country, entitled to the prize, but afraid to turn myself in to claim it.

This amounted to a pretty unsatisfying ending - for me, for the show's producers, and probably, for the millions would-be viewers. Because of this, the show got scrapped, and - rumor has it - the prize money was used to fund season 2 of Canadian Idol.

So what about my original claim of being a millionaire? Since I obviously didn't win the prize money, did I make that up? And what about my permanent residency in the foreign country - something that I often blog about - did I fabricate that, too? Good lord, am I still running around this place illegally?

Well, here's what happened. A bit annoyed with how things turned out, I took my 'real' reality tv experience, changed enough of the details to get around the signed confidentiality agreement, and sold the idea to a network in the States. They created their own version, aired it, and paid me for my idea.

And while I remain in the foreign country, I can assure you that I'm no longer running around without legal documentation. It's just amazing what you can buy these days with $1,000,000.

Didn't this Happen in Fight Club?

2005-06-24T16:23:00.000-04:00

I feel like the Frosted Mini-Wheats commercial.

Two sides of me are constantly battling -- no, not frosted vs non-frosted-- it's the hippie vs the yuppie. I'll illustrate some examples: I'm pro-environment but I think the arguments for global warming are mostly bullshit; I wear sandals to work but I work on computers all day; I'm stoned often but... um... ok I guess the hippie won that round. But you get the picture.

The two sides are constantly at odds. Take yesterday, for example. I decided to take the notacar (read: bike) out for a ride. I was sporting Birkenstocks, a plain white t-shirt and cut off courdoroy shorts, but the bike has a computer that clocks the speed and mileage of the trip. Again, the conflict. I had gone about 5 miles when I hit the State University campus here in Albany (whose mascot is the great danes, by the way. Purple and yellow great danes, no less. Enough said). I was cutting through parking lots and avoiding the occasional student when I decided to hop a curb.

In hindsight, it was a bad idea.

Thirty feet after the curb I noticed my back tire had gone completely flat. I tried pumping it back up (the yuppie packed an air pump), but to no avail. The hose was shot. Ride over.

So there I was, a dirty sweaty hippie on the side of a campus service road. Mother Earth certainly wasn't lending any support. Luckily, yuppie-boy remembered to pack a cell-phone (never leave home without it), so I ended up calling my buddy for a ride. The conversation went like this:
Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Him: Getting baked and watching 'Team America*', wanna stop by?
Me: Yeah but I need a ride.
Him (incredulously): From your house? (I live a half mile away)
Me: From SUNY** (I explain the flat tire)
Him: Fuck, dude. You're fucked (laughs).
(Pause)
Him: Just kidding. I'll get you.

So the hippie went home, got fried and watched movies, oddly in the mood for Frosted Mini Wheats. The yuppie went to the store at lunchtime today and picked up a 5 dollar bike tube... and paid with his credit card.

The battle rages on.

* One of the funniest movies I've ever seen. This deserves its own post. Soon.
** Acronym for State University of New York. Pronounced SOO-nee.
*** Come back Monday for the blog exchange. See next post for details.

Friday's Links - 6/24

2005-06-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

FYI: Coming up Monday is a blog-exchange from my new friend (whom I have never actually met or talked to) Alison. If you're not already familiar with her site, please do so, as it is truly great stuff from a friendly northern neighbor.

And now, on with Friday's links.

Article 1 - Interesting article from Snopes.com (great site, by the way) which makes the same observation as a previous post of mine.

Article 2 - Do you get hazard pay in Canada for this job? And did that guy really think "self-defense" was going to work against a giant fuzzy costume? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Article 3 - I know I shouldn't be laughing at this, but when you ship 168,000 copies of 'The John Singleton Collection' DVD Box Set to the West Bank, things like this are going to happen.

For the last 2 articles, there are a few points I need to argue in a public forum. My blog will have to suffice as an arena for now.

Article 4 - The guy quoted in this article is daft. Here he is, admonishing browser innovation because his ad dollars for free PSPs or I-Pods or music downloads are being lost. Please don't buy into it (no pun intended). This woe-is-me approach is just an excuse by a lazy industry vet who refuses to follow a technology curve. God forbid you actually innovate ahead of the browsers, or think constructively. Give me a break.

Article 5 - This is the quote that gets me: "When you can recapture that chemistry, audiences are going to respond in the same sort of way they did years ago." Um... this coming from the same person who thought casting Will Ferrell with Nicole Kidman was a good idea. It's possibly the worst case of denial since George Lucas said, "I think the fans are really going to like this one," before The Phantom Menace came out. Is there an over/under on the domestic gross for this film? Because I'm going with $34M.

Hitting the Wall

2005-06-23T09:05:00.000-04:00

Let's say you were tasked with building a wall in a house. Your boss/spouse/whatever simply told you, 'It has to be solid, and span from point A to point B.'

You could go about this in one of many ways. Most likely, you'd lay out the frame, using studs every few feet. You'd lay out the drywall on both sides, seal it, test it, the whole nine yards. You might watch the DIY channel for tips. You may even find a friend who worked in construction to look it over first. Heck, you could take a page out of the three pigs' book and use brick and mortar. But either way, it would be a pretty good wall.

Of course, if you didn't want to go through all that work, you could just lean a few cheap pieces of plaster, prop it with a 2x4 on one side and use Scotch tape to fill in any cracks. After all, it meets the specs you were given, and who the fuck cares what happens to it after that? You were told to build a wall and you built a wall. Job complete.

So where am I going with this?

Well, this is an allegory into the IT world. As a programmer, you're tasked with building a product using a set of specifications. You could build the first wall, which is solid from all sides, can take some punishment, hold some pictures, and maybe even include a doorway someday (This is called "capability for future enhancements").

Or you could throw together a piece of shit, call it a product and charge people an obscene amount of money for your crappy handywork, since all you cared about was hitting the deadline under budget.

My company tends to purchase from the latter of those groups, for some reason. This is what makes my job so difficult. Without getting into the gory details, I have to write code that works with lousy products. And it sucks. So if I seem to be a little slow with posting, please be patient. It's only a matter of time before the whole damn wall comes crumbling down.

Onions Don't Spoil in 51 Years

2005-06-22T11:20:00.000-04:00

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a looooooooong time.
It's from the Onion in the year 2056.

Spade or Neutered

2005-06-21T10:26:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it, David Spade is hosting an upcoming Hollywood spoof show. The article says he's taking on Jon Stewart, although that's setting your sights a little high. Stewart's a master at his trade, and that's severely understating it.

Spade got his break doing a short bit on SNL's Weekend Update in the early 90's (the "Hollywood Minute"), and now seems to be returning to form. I'm not so sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it could be a good half hour of comedy. Spade's done some good work in his career (him and Teri Hatcher switching roles is up there in the SNL pantheon of classic performances), but... well...

I'm just afraid that this is going to be a half hour version of a Jay Leno monologue. You know, sarcastic pop-shots at the most obvious level, constantly afraid to take a risk (Really, Jay? Michael Jackson is a pedophile? Go on! Oh good, now you're talking about how high gas prices are! You're so edgy!!). I'm afraid he'll be making cracks about Russel Crowe's rage problem (the article even references him) instead of how Renee Zellweger never deflated properly after ballooning up for Bridget Jones (not enough people mention this-- Bill Simmons did once, but this really needs to be put more out in the mainstream).

I know that's an unfair comparison. Leno is so watered down he bleeds Aquafina. Spade hasn't reached that level. He's smart about his career (realizing he can't really carry a sitcom so he takes a perfect sidekick role on Just Shoot Me). But I'd hate to see him there.

Vanity Plates

2005-06-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

Driving at lunch today I pulled a stereotypical male move by checking out the girl in the car next to me. Around my age, blonde, you know the deal. Your head turns. It's instinct. So I played it cool, since all of us know how easy and effective it is to pick up girls on a busy four-lane road at 1PM. When the light turned, she sped ahead and that's when the brakes came on. Figuratively, of course. For as she slowly gained distance on me, I noticed her car had vanity plates. "MISS----" (last 4 characters left blank to protect the innocent).

At this point, I don't need any more information. She's off the list. Princess, daddy's girl, whatever you want to call it, it spells high maintenance. And that's not my style.

I look for girls that have learned lessons in life other than how to forge their parents' signatures on credit applications. I look for ones that tried to save up for a car rather than kiss ass to get one. More grounded, I guess is the term I'm looking for.

And lucky for me, I already have one.

Nowhere was this more apparent than my visits to my girlfriend's home town in Long Island, NY, where her family stands out as the most honest and down-to-Earth people within 100 miles. They're really a great bunch, but I'm not sure I can say as much for most of their neighbors. For those of you who aren't that familiar with the location, it's an incredibly upscale snotty place to live, where the rite of passage of high school graduation often involves rhinoplasty or some other inventive cosmetic surgery. Long Island is also home to many of the nouveau riche, which means 'new rich' if you're a little rusty on your German.

I'm not saying these are bad people. In fact, many of them are very genuine and nice people who grew up in less-than-desirable circumstances and developed a great deal of character because of it. Unfortunately, due to some beneficial monetary windfall, they often forget that their children haven't gained the years of wisdom and experience that should precede ownership of a showroom floor BMW.

My prime example stems from an experience I had just three weeks ago while visiting the unpoverished community of LI. On a sunny Tuesday afternoon, we had walked to the end of the block to pick up my girlfriend's 7 year-old sibling from the bus stop. I was informed that the mother of one of the students on a different bus waits each day to drive her daughter back to the house. Shocked, I watched it all unfold in horror. Mind you, this is a tiny suburban cul-de-sac (which I believe is French for "scrotum," although the bastardized English translation is now, "small, circular dead-end street"). It's a drive of roughly 200 yards. Oh yeah, and the girl is 16. I wish I were kidding.

Bringing you back to the point, that kind of pampering is a little beyond me. I believe more in a relationship that involves equality instead of servitude. I'm the type that believes that smiles should derive from each other's company, not from the three Jaguars parked in the garage. Call me old fashioned.

In college, I'm not sure a vanity plate would have bothered me much, but through the years I've begun to think differently. I cringe when I see a "princess" bumper sticker. I look away when a Lexus is blasting the Backstreet Boys. But like I said, that's just me. I'm sure someday Miss Pandered-To will find a nice CPA to settle down with, cheat on and eventually divorce with half the earnings.

Someday.

But right now she's just in training.

Off the Beaten Path

2005-06-20T10:16:00.000-04:00

The links I usually post up here are in some way amusing, but today's is a little different.
It fits in a little with the post I'm planning for later today or tomorrow, and it's definitely worth reading, if only because it's an angle we haven't seen before regarding a major world event.
Read it here.

Don't worry, I haven't gone completely serious on you. I'll return to form shortly.

Friday's Links

2005-06-17T13:47:00.000-04:00

Article 1 - So I guess those incredibly awkward teenage years weren't all for nothing.

Article 2 - Probably my number one fear when sleeping with a girl.

Article 3 - This is Franz at register 6. I need a price check on extra large condoms. That's right, I said extra large, Brenda. You hear that, Shoe Department? EXTRA LARGE!

Article 4 - I'm sure we can all agree when we say, 'Congratulations you greedy bitch.'

Article 5 - Clearly, being the first person to ever poke fun at an HMO has ruffled some feathers.

New Classics: Airheads

2005-06-16T11:48:00.000-04:00

Airheads
Released: 1994
Lead Cast: Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, Adam Sandler
Supporting: Michael McKean, Joe Montegna, Chris Farley, Judd Nelson, Michael Richards, David Arquette, Ernie Hudson (yeah, you don't know him by his name, but the guy's been in 89 movies)
Cameos by: Harold Ramis, Stuttering John, Lemmy, Mike Judge (voice of Beavis & Butthead), Allen Covert (aka the guy who's in EVERY Adam Sandler movie)

A ton of big names despite a limited production budget, this movie didn't generate a lot of box office dollars. And it's too bad, this was a gem of a film for several reasons. Especially now, with the benefit of hindsight, the significance of this film in its time cannot be understated. If it was a 5 out of 10 when it came out, it's a 9 now.

"OK, who are you guys?"
"My name's Pip"
"The band. The band name."
"Sorry about that."
Like I said, the cast they got for this movie was pretty good for its time. Fraser hadn't busted into the complete sellout yet (he was still doing movies like School Ties and With Honors mixed in with appearances in such classics as Encino Man). Buscemi makes every movie better (can you think of a bad role for him? I can't), a toned-down Sandler didn't try to steal every scene with his goofiness, and actually played a decent second banana. Montegna was dead-on as an aging radio DJ, sedated by his role in the corporate world but with the fire of rock still burning. Farley was, as usual, perfect in comic relief. And, for a goofy comedy, it didn't have any of the glaring logic flaws that tend to mar an otherwise good flick (where you find yourself asking, "Why would he do that?").

More importantly, the main characters, especially Fraser, Montegna and McKean, play their parts without becoming self-parodic. They feel real. It's clearly spoofing the culture, but by paying homage to it rather than beating you over the head with it.

"I figure I could write one song that will live on forever. After that, it just don't matter."
This movie doesn't get nearly enough credit for defining such a transitional period in music. The early to mid-90's were the death of Rock & Roll as we know it. If the 60's started it, the 90's ended it. Gone was the mindset of "I just wanna rock," and in came the mantra of "I just wanna make money." This is when you had the entrance of rock's all-time lowlifes like Blink 182 and Creed and Godsmack and just about everything else that's come along since. To a lesser extent, the 80's had their garbage, as we witnessed with some of the more glamorous of the hair bands-- Motley Crue comes to mind-- but you still had the underground metal, the hunger for music that drove the amplifiers in garages across the country. By the mid-90's, you just had a bunch of whining. The creators of the movie saw this, saw that rock was being taken over by pop, saw that despite the efforts of a few dedicated guitarists, there was a larger movement of pre-packaged bubblegum 'rock,' the Ronnie James Dios of the world being replaced by the Jon Bon Jovis.

The film hits on this several times, and they weren't being subtle about it. The opening scene at the record company shows a band of 17 year-olds wearing Dr Seuss striped top-hats with their manager reminding them not to talk. There's also a discussion between the bassist Rex (Buscemi) and station manager Milo (McKean), where Rex asks why they never play any of the good discs laying around the studio.
Milo asks him, "Well if they're so good, how come they're not tearing up the charts?"
To which Rex replies, "Because you never play 'em."
It's a simple exchange but a complex discussion. If a band never gets air time, who's going to listen to them? Who's going to call up and request a band they've never heard of? This should get its own blog topic, but that's for another day.

Montegna's character, Ian "the Shark," was a perfect metaphor of the whole movement. Here's an aging guy, a still hip DJ, a symbol of the rock of old, being forcibly shoved out by the almighty dollar when Milo agrees to switch the station's format to "the mellow sounds of the rain." The movie's creators knew where they were going with that character and Montegna nailed it.

"Wrong, dickhead. Trick question. Lemmy is God."
At least four distinct Motorhead references in this movie, if you're paying attention. The opening sequence was set to the tune, "Born to Raise Hell" (sung by Motorhead). There's a Motorhead poster in the Pallatine Records building. There's the quote listed above, and Lemmy himself makes a cameo in the scene where Chazz (Fraser) comes clean about being a high school dork (Lemmy's the one in the crowd who yells out, "I was editor of the school magazine!"). I like the fact that they chose Motorhead, the seminal metal band of the 70's, instead of a more mainstream choice like Led Zeppelin or KISS. If nothing else, it brings another element of realism to the movie. You'd be hard pressed to find any serious metal band from that era who didn't derive their motivation from the movement created by Motorhead.
There's also an appearance by White Zombie in the club scene at the Whisky, and the Galactic Cowboys make an appearance as the fictional "Sons of Thunder," if you're keeping score.

"You expect him to make a speech? What does he look like, Sting?"
The movie isn't preachy. It's fun. It's not supposed to be a head scratcher, it's supposed to be a head banger. They weren't trying to do too much with the film, and that's why it's effective. For a genre as devoid of intellect as heavy metal is, they didn't try to weigh it down with complex characters and twisted emotions. Things feel more raw, as they should with rock and roll. Chazz's girlfriend Kayla has an incendiary temper, as does Rex, which create two of the main points in the plot. Normally this works against a movie, but with music it doesn't have to. Look at two recent music movies that tried to tug your heartstrings: Almost Famous and Rock Star. One soared while the other fell flat on its face.

"...And he wipes his ass with the record contract!"
Very underrated quotability in this movie. Had this reached cult classic status as it should have, you'd hear more people yelling out, "I'm gonna stab their heads off... with MY DICK!"
I'm not going to go into any of the finer utterances, I'll just let you all watch the movie and figure it out.

"You're gonna scream 'Rock and Roll'? You're gonna go to jail for that?"
In its true historical context, this movie stands out as a subject that hasn't been tackled nearly enough. And although its silliness stands above its poignance, it's still a great film. It has only gotten better through time, and since it's a period piece, will continue to age well. You can pick it up midway through and still enjoy it (as you flip around Ted Turner's channels on a Saturday). You can always quote it, you can always watch it, and that makes for a fine movie in my book.

I'm aware that I'll be agreed with very little on this, but that's OK. As a music fan, I've been nothing but disgusted for the last 10 years with very few exceptions, and this movie's all you need to explain why.
Final Score: 8.5 out of 10.

Back to the Furniture

2005-06-14T22:53:00.000-04:00

A little back pain never hurt anybody. At least, that's what would have been the prevailing theory until this morning.

It all started Monday afternoon as I was giving “the hog” a tune-up (hog = my 11 year old bicycle). I had been leaning over the rear wheel for the better part of an hour, when I realized I could no longer stand up straight. Great, I thought, just great. This sort of thing has been happening all too frequently over the past couple months. If I spend too much time in a hunched over position, the lower portion of my spinal column stiffens to a near-titanium like state. Up until the other night, it was just an inconvenience.

Not anymore.

I decided to try to sleep it off (after I took a 15-mile bike ride), since that usually does the trick. I definitely didn't expect to wake up in the morning feeling like a quadriplegic. Very slowly I made my way to the bathroom for a fistful of Tylenol. Didn't help. I tried icing it. Didn't help. I tried cursing at it. Still didn't help. I laid back down on the bed, picked up the phone and informed my boss that there was no way I was making it out of my house that day without a stretcher. She didn't argue.

The doctor diagnosed it as a lower lumbar strain, but left open the option that I could have done some disc damage. Super. Thanks, doc. However she did prescribe some heavy painkillers and heavier muscle relaxers, in the process becoming my new best friend.

That afternoon, I had nothing to do but muscularly relax and watch TV, since any sort of movement other than my thumb on the remote was out of the question. And since I had zero priorities besides rest (doctor's orders, can't argue), I decided to take some additional medicine for my (ahem) glaucoma. Straight from the Ricky Williams School of Holistic Healing.

I popped in a classic film (review forthcoming) that I hadn't seen in a while, and generally just let the chemicals run their course. It was a fairly pleasant afternoon.

By the evening, I could walk around more easily, but it still didn't stop me from feeling 60 years above my age. All I had to do was grab a cane and wear knee-socks with my sandals and I would have fit right in at the retirement center.

In the morning I'll head back to the office, although it might not be the best idea given the arsenal of pills I'm taking. I might be pulling a Costanza by taking a nap under the desk. I might start drooling on the keyboard. Who knows, I might even get some work done. I'll keep you posted.

Stupid bike.

No More Training Wheels

2005-06-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

It's been a while.

It's got layers of dust that are thicker than the tires. It was probably last used when I was 15 years and 364 days old. Truthfully, I can't remember. All I know is that it's been a while.

My trusty bicycle. Last used in the days before gasoline became a living expense. Last ridden about 60 pounds ago.

About a month back, I took up an interest in running. I wasn't out of shape, but I wasn't in the 4 percent body fat shape I was in entering college. Since then, my lanky frame has filled out a bit (as a point of reference: I stopped growing upwards at around age 14 -- I was about 5'10 then, and I'm 6'0 now. Around 130 then, around 190 now), and even though I've had a gym membership (and used it) for the last year or so, the pesky beginnings of a beer gut are still hanging around. I'm not sure I've felt more feminine than as I did writing that last sentence. But anyway.

I live in a moderately sized city, and 90% of the driving I do when I'm not commuting to work can be done very easily on a bike. Saves money, burns calories, I figured why not. Running never interested me, since I always ended up in the same place I started. It felt pointless. Running in circles. Sure I got out of breath and broke a sweat, but it always seemed like an exercise in frustration more than anything else since you weren't actually getting anywhere.

Enter the bicycle. Or rather, re-enter the bicycle. Seems like the obvious solution to both problems -- being too cheap for gas and too out of shape for the beach.

Of course, as with all my plans, there is a drawback. And that drawback is biking attire. Now, I don't consider myself the height of fashion. In fact, far from it. I'm more Wired Magazine than GQ. But come on. Nevermind the neon spandex, those are just out of the question. Spandex is reserved for professional cyclists and middle-aged European men. Although the latter might want to rethink that strategy.

Where was I?

Oh, right, the biking attire. No, besides the spandex there is the hideous feature of the biking helmet. The bike helmet might just be the most fashion-backward and ridiculous looking piece of equipment this side of a Monty Python film. There is nobody on planet Earth who can wear one without looking like a race of plastic-afro-wearing humanoids from the future. In spandex. But, since I plan on riding my notacar to the pubs, I caved. For the sake of not becoming a vegetable, if nothing else. So quit laughing. I mean it.

We'll see how this experiment goes. It may last until the fall, it may last until the next time it rains. We'll find out then. In the meantime, I'm serious-- stop laughing.

The New 20

2005-06-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

There have been a few articles, most recently this one, which stated that 40 is the new 30. I have no problem with that. I figured Americans were living longer, it would only be natural that the 'middle-age' would be increasing. Vitamins, supplements, weenie pills, it's all in the cards.

It wasn't until Michelle's comment on yesterday's post when something hit me. It was, as far as I can tell, an epiphany. In a nutshell, she observed that my GTA post sounded like a stereotypical American teenager. When I read it, I thought to myself, No, this sounds more like an American twentysomething. That's when the light bulb turned on (GE bulb. 60-watt).

If 40 is the new 30, then there's got to be a new 20. Mathmatically, logically, it makes sense. If middle age is occurring later in life, why can't maturity stretch out another 7 or 8 years?

I am one of the fortunate students who graduated college under the reign of George II. If you haven't been following the job market very closely, there are roughly three jobs as a fry cook at Burger King for every 17,000 graduates, and it's been holding steady since his coronation. The high hopes of so many recent diploma recipients came crashing down upon the realization that they'd be telemarketing for the next few years. Or selling Ginsu knives. Or playing secretary for Dad. Or volunteering for pharmaceutical trials. Or, for many, they simply went back to school.

Suffice to say, a good number of the graduates were (and still are) working on less than desirable incomes. Some still live in or near college housing. Responsibility is close to zero, save for the odd post-undergrad here and there who decided to take in a stray dog, so the party lifestyle never stops. Eventually, the entry-level toil leads to a promotion, a better income, an apartment with running water, a spouse, a family, and boom. Now you're 40. But until then, you're still stuck (sometimes voluntarily) in an emerging new lifestyle period between college and reality, a twilight zone of video games, drunken gropefests, midnight trips to Taco Bell and a plantation's worth of weed. It's entirely like, well, being in high school again. Except now there's no forced curfew (except for punch-in time), no parents (except for gas-money), and no teachers (except the ones you meet at the bar).

So is 30 really the new 20?

I have a few friends who married before 25, but compared to the number that hovers around 30 with no forseeable spousal prospects, they seem like a small carbon bubble in a 12-ounce bottle of Labatts. I can count on one hand the number of twentysomethings who don't cringe at the phrase "settling down." If you ask most of my friends if they have a girlfriend, you'll get more than a few who answer, "I guess."

X-Box is preferred over exchange rates. Pot preferred over politics. It's not that they avoid growing up, it's just that they don't have to. Yet. And if you can gain a few more years of worldly experience before making the profound decisions that affect the rest of your life, there's really no harm in that. I'd say there's a pretty strong argument in favor of it. But time will tell.

When my girlfriend (who just graduated) and I talk about "long-term," we're talking about plans for the weekend after next. We don't have goals. We won't have social security. I'm really not sure how my 403b is doing, and she's not even sure what that is. We, in the broader sense, are living life as it comes, having been presented with a form of adulthood we don't quite understand. And you know what, we're enjoying it.

Grand Theft Social Skills

2005-06-09T10:41:00.000-04:00

Rating: Mature - 17+
Blood and Gore
Intense Violence
Strong Sexual Content
Strong Language
Use of Drugs

Sounds like my type of video game.

As if my geeky nature didn't already render me more inclined to avoid human interaction in lieu of computers, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas came out this week for the PC. You may be asking yourself why this is significant, since it's been out for the PS2 since November, but I can tell you I've intentionally been holding out until now. As was the case for the last GTA installment (Vice City), everything just looks better on the PC. The PS2 is limited by its hardware capabilities -- it's been the exact same gaming system since its release four years ago. PCs, however, change every day. If you bought yours three months ago, there's a fairly decent chance you're already well behind the curve. Game makers know this, and often release much more graphically enhanced versions of the same game.

But enough with the nerdy stuff.

The true appeal of a game like this lies in the first six lines of this post. It's an open ended rampage where a needless slaughter of rival gangs or an 'accidental' fender bender involving three squad cars and a hooker bears little to no consequence. You can even escape a city-wide manhunt by getting your car repainted ("APB on a red BMX bicycle-- ONLY look at the red ones"). It borders on the ridiculous, but that's what makes it so appealing. It's fiction.

Set in the fictional state of San Andreas (based not-so-loosely on California), your character is Carl Johnson ("CJ"), a former gang member who's come back to reclaim his place in the 'hood. Sounds corny, right? It is. And I love it. Much as in Vice City, San Andreas feels over-the-top without being excessively so. It takes place in 1992, and the soundtrack is more than fitting (VC took place in a mid-80's clone of Miami), stretching everywhere from gangsta rap to country to reggae (as you drive around, you can channel surf the different radio stations).

Where the GTA series really excels is in its open-endedness. It always has. While you can go on "missions" to progress the storyline of the game, you're never forced to. Time doesn't run out. There aren't any boundries aside from the obvious geographic limits. There are scores of side games and extra-curriculars (you expand your 'territory' by spray-painting over rival gangs' tags, to name one). You can even customize your character with clothes, tattoos and hairstyles (like playing with dolls... but cooler). Whereas most games lead you from point A to point B, GTA lets you explore the vast cityscapes and countrysides to pretty much do whatever you want. Countless hours can be spent simply driving, riding, running, or walking around. Or, as I mentioned earlier, running over cops and whores in an '86 Ford Bronco... if that sort of thing is your cup of tea... or malt liquor... or whatever.

GTASA differs from its predecessors in its sheer scope (game designers estimated it at 20x larger than the previous titles combined). Spanning three thinly veiled clone cities of Los Angeles (Los Santos), San Francisco (San Fierro) and Las Vegas (Las Venturas), simply finding your way to the barber shop can take the better part of an hour. And that's not even counting the time it takes getting sidetracked robbing a pawn shop.

My point in all this is that if you don't hear from me for a while, if I seem to have vanished from planet Earth, if my tan fades into a bleak shade of eggshell white, if my speech patterns become consistent with seaweed, if I have withdrawn to the point that I have about a 50/50 shot at becoming a serial killer, don't be surprised.

Home (Bitter)Sweet Home

2005-06-08T10:33:00.000-04:00

As if the end of a vacation wasn't enough, I came home yesterday to find this. It's the building about 20 feet from my front door (my apt building is its twin). The windows are all boarded up and it's surrounded by caution tape. If the picture in that news story panned to the right, you'd see my door.
Luckily, my building wasn't touched (although it smells a bit).
Makes you count your blessings though.

More Tales from the Junk Drawer

2005-06-03T10:58:00.000-04:00

Article 1 - It's toast time! Has anybody seen the best man? Or the bride?

Article 2 - You saw him in Rambo. You may have seen him in Rambo II or III. But now he's back. In Vietnam. Killing. For no apparent reason.

Article 3 - Memo to internet community: the entire sports world needs to see this video. Please leak it. Somebody. Somehow.

Article 4 - Creepy more than funny, but it still doesn't explain why people bought Jose Canseco's book.

Article 5 - "Poor little guy," he said, looking at the spot where the chair once sat. "He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't complain. He just came to play every day."
"And we even won last night," he said. "Imagine if we would have lost. I might not have a glove."

Article 6 - News from north of Albany. I swear, this isn't typical.

Article 7 - Fahrvergnügen. In German, it means "Pleasure to Drive" (you remember those old VW ads). I'm still searching for "Pleasure to drive in trunk."

And finally, since I won't be back in town until Wednesday (read: No posts), head over to Alison's site to find a sort of reverse-mad-lib contest in which I took part. Read the rest of the site while you're over there too. And don't judge her just because she's Canadian.

Smut Taxonomy

2005-06-03T09:35:00.000-04:00

Went over to a buddy's house after work yesterday for a long evening of "porch-sitting," whereby we sit on his porch with lawn chairs, pop a few beers and let the good times roll. Generally speaking, this consists of making fun of joggers, making car horn noises at girls that drive by (very immature but somehow very fun), and just kicking back and shooting the shit.

Two of my friends live in this house with another one of their friends from college. Three twentysomething guys with basically entry-level jobs. Suffice to say, you could make in the triple figures by collecting the cans and bottles around their pad.

But before we hit the porch, they were finishing up dinner in the living room, arbitrarily cruising through the channels on the TV. When nothing worthwhile was found, they turned to the recorded shows (our cable company offers a TiVo-style DVR) and noticed that their roommate had been recording about 20 hours worth of "programming" from the Spice channel. So the three of us, having nothing better to do at the moment, flipped on the porn.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar, the Spice channel is roughly equivalent to the Playboy channel, excepting that they occasionally show penetration. It's odd though-- it's not the hard-core stuff you can find on the internet (no money shots, for one), but it's well above the soft-core that rules Cinemax after 10PM. It's a confusing sort of hybrid. Some cameras are intentionally angled to hide the, um, action, but others are positioned to get up close and personal with it.

"I wonder what you call this stuff," I wondered out loud.
"I don't know," my buddy replied. He paused, thought for a minute, and finally said, "I think you call it double-X."

It was one of the most profound statements I've heard from him in the 20+ years we've been acquainted, causing belly-laughs well into the next half-hour.

And thus was born a new phrase into the American lexicon. Please feel free to spread this one.

Flash Gordon

2005-06-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

Only minutes after I last posted, an out of breath co-worker (no, not the same one) rushed over to my desk to tell me how a fellow employee had just been flashed in the parking lot. Apparently, there's some guy exposing himself in the woods near our building.

It's not something to laugh about... but now that I know nobody was hurt... I can't help but find it a little funny. OK, maybe very funny.

Descriptions vary, but the most widely circulated is, "He was dancing with a grin from ear to ear." It's a comedic visual. You can't deny that.

I've always wondered what goes through the mind of somebody willing to don a trenchcoat and embark on a day long excursion of displaying one's genitals. Is it the same mind set that mooning frat boys have? Have there been studies on this? Do they practice in a mirror first?

Keep in mind, if the guy had actually approached or made any sort of physical contact with my co-worker, I'd be singing a different tune. Villagers would be out in the woods with torches and pitchforks looking for this guy. It wouldn't make for a very happy ending.

But that's not the case. The cops were called, a report was filed. I can only imagine the conversation that took place.

Cop: Can you give us a description, ma'am?
Flashed Co-worker: ...Of which part?

And so a bit of humor is injected into my morning. Coupled with caffiene, this marks the beginning of a pretty good day. Hey, can't be much worse than yesterday, right?

By the way, the title of this post is the nickname I'm giving to this guy.

The High Road

2005-06-02T09:26:00.000-04:00

To quote a band I truly loathe,
"I wish the real world would just stop hassling me."

God I feel so dirty quoting them. But on with the post.

As you may have noticed from the epic movie marathon that took place last weekend, I didn't get the normal three-day vacation. In fact, I worked through it. Our company had a huge deadline that passed successfully yesterday, so the last few months have been a little hectic around here.

The work I did this weekend was reviewed more thoroughly than in the practice runs we had been doing for the last 8 or 9 months. Why they waited until the deadline to do this, I'll never know. Obviously, the more heavily scrutinized a program is, the more bugs they're going to find. That's just the way it is when you're a programmer. I have no problem with this. The more testing that takes place, the better the product you'll have at the end. It's life. It's simple.

So I wasn't surprised when there were a few bugs in the work I did this weekend. It happens. What did surprise me was the actions of a particular co-worker with whom I had worked on this project. Not only was she making excuses the entire day, she was even kind enough to point every finger squarely at me. And, to be honest, I was more than a little shocked. This is somebody who I've worked with for over a year-- six months on this project alone-- and she's throwing me under the bus at every chance she gets. Thanks a lot. Catch U Next Tuesday.

I don't play that game.

The way I see it, you have two options when something goes wrong. You can either A) Make excuses and point fingers, or B) Do everything in your power to help out and fix it. I chose option B. I don't regret it.

It may be that in the business world, a world filled with weasels and beaurocracies, that the former option is the way to go. I blame my parents for not steering me down that path. They should have told me not to stand up for myself. I should have learned to deflect blame, not accept it. I could have read from the book that explains the advantages gained when somebody has their back to you. Way to go, mom and dad.

Maybe I'm being naive. Maybe this is just how it is, and I have to learn how to accept it. I'll know in time. But until then, I'm keeping a middle finger in a certain general direction.

At least I'm not bitter.

MLB - Back to Form

2005-06-01T13:39:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I wrote about baseball. More than a month, I think. The main reason for this lull is the lack of truly interesting stories this year.
Take a look around the league. We'll start with the American League.
- Frank Thomas and Juan Gonzalez made their returns to the field. First games all year for the two of them. They lasted a combined 7 1/2 innings. Both of them will probably be put back on the DL now. Nice job, guys.
- The Yankees and Red Sox are winning, and will probably knock off Baltimore to take 1 and 2 in the division.
- Speaking of Baltimore, I wrote on this very blog that they'd be a good team if their pitching held together. Well, it's slipping, and so are they.
- Oakland isn't jack without 2 of their Big Three.
- Alex Rodriguez is making another MVP run.
- A Japanese guy is making a run at Rookie of the Year.
The only real story is the White Sox staying at the top of the Central, but they're not even the biggest team in their city.

Moving to the NL:
- Braves are hanging around first place. Again.
- Mets are underachieving. Again.
- St. Louis' offense is good. Again.
- Barry Bonds isn't recovering from injuries as fast as last year (I have to ask one of my doctor friends what kind of medicine they give you to recover from that stuff... hmm... begins with an 'S'...)
San Diego carrying their division has got to be the only surprise in that whole league.
Come on, guys. Give me something to work with here.

A fool and his money are soon parted: The D-Backs and the Mariners both spent rap star dollars this winter to upgrade their teams. The only difference is, the D-Backs got pitching and a shot at first place. The Mariners got hosed. And you mean to tell me nobody saw this coming?

By the way, Glass Joe Brown lost again last night to the Royals. He had won four straight decisions. Weather reports were coming in from hell: 40% chance of flurries.

Wednesday's Category: Unfiled

2005-06-01T11:19:00.000-04:00

Today's thoughts that don't fit into any other drawer.

Article 1 - It's Murphy's Law. You're on an airplane and you invariably get stuck next to the guy who has bad breath and won't shut up. Well, good news. Now he'll have b.o.

Reason #783 why you shouldn't go shopping while stoned: Oreo cookies makes a cereal. Good god, what were they thinking? More importantly, what was I thinking? Oh... yeah... that's right. (sigh).

Article 2 - The Canadian Post Office really needs to invest in a Denise Austin video if this is what they're worrying about.

And with all the news today about 'Deep Throat,' is anybody else giggling? Just a little bit? It's OK, you can admit it here. Perv.

Memorial Day Movie Marathon - Part V

2005-05-31T16:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm still backlogged from the weekend, but this is it. I swear.

Dazed & Confused
The eerie bass line from Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" opens to a black screen with fading white titles. It draws out for a little while, working up to the opening shot timed perfectly to the snare drum's entrance. A bright orange car rolls around the corner of a parking lot as Steven Tyler begins to do what he does so well. A more perfect opening to a movie will never be made.

And thus begins one of the best movies I have ever seen.

No, it's not a war epic, a disaster story, a love story, an underdog story... in fact, it's barely even a story. It's about a bunch of entering high school seniors and freshmen on the last day of school in 1976, and that's all you need to know.

The cast in this movie is unbelievable: one of the London twins, Matthew McConaughey, Joey Lauren Adams, Milla Jovovich, Ben Affleck (who was beyond perfect for the role of O'Bannion), Parker Posey, Nicky Katt (as male monkey Clint), and Adam Goldberg, all before they were really famous (this was in 1993). Cole Hauser, who played a red-headed tough guy named Billy in Good Will Hunting, plays a red-headed tough guy named Benny. Nice choice. Rory Cochrane (Slater) played the thief from Empire Records two years later before falling off planet Earth. Michelle Burke (Jodi) had played Connie Conehead the year before this movie came out... and her career was promptly hit by a bus after it. The rest of the ensemble cast didn't do much with the rest of their acting shelf-lives.

The movie doesn't lose any steam with repeated viewings either. In fact, it only gets better. You start picking up the hidden nuances you missed the first 12 or 13 times. And you can always find things you've missed before, especially in the actions of the characters in the background. There are even distinct drinking games to play while watching it.
- Take a drink every time somebody drinks a beer or puffs a joint
- Take a drink every time Mitch touches his nose outside the emporium (better yet, just finish a beer at this point)
- Take a drink every time somebody says "man." (Note: Not recommended if you're looking to avoid alcohol poisoning)

You can watch it drunk. You can watch it stoned (even very stoned). Any way you look at it, it's always good. So now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go light some incense and put on a Foghat record.
Final score: 9.5 out of 10.

Batman
Long before the batsuit had nipples, there was Michael Keaton. He played a darker, more mysterious Bruce Wayne in the days when George Clooney in OR scrubs wasn't even a thought.

The movie was good when it came out, but became better with each successive Batman movie. Robin, Batgirl, the Riddler... give me a break. If you want to look at it another way, take a look at the casts. Jack Nicholson plays The Joker, and him and Keaton carry the entire movie. Kim Basinger added a much needed aesthetic presence, but it could have been played by any actress, it wasn't that important of a role. In the next movie, you need Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer to make up for Nicholson's loss. After that, it just gets silly. The third picture needed Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Nicole Kidman, and Chris O'Donnell (before he died) to support Val Kilmer as the Dark Knight (I like Kilmer, but he's no Batman). By the fourth, enter Schwarzenegger, Clooney, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone (before she died) and Vivica A Fox. It's a complicated equation but a simple one to answer: to match the chemistry between Keaton and Nicholson, the Batman folks tried a total of 12 new stars between 3 movies and they still couldn't match the original. Not even close.

And there you have it-- long before the Batman franchise became a special effects parade of crappy actors, there were two good ones making a darn good movie. Oh yeah, and in the original Batman, Billy Dee Williams has a small role, although his character's name wasn't Lando, so I was just confused.
Final score: 7 out of 10.

Memorial Day Movie Marathon - Part IV

2005-05-31T10:46:00.000-04:00

(Author's Note: This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but I decided to forgo blogging in lieu of sleep, since my work weekend from hell was finally over. I'm not remorseful in the least about this decision)

It's late now on Monday. I haven't slept more than two hours at a time all weekend. I'm tired, dirty, probably cranky, definitely in need of social interaction, and if I never saw a computer again for the rest of my life, it would be too soon.

I've watched the sun rise two days in a row. My cat is more confused than I've ever seen him. He usually takes his cues from me whether to sleep or eat, but since I've barely slept and haven't remembered to eat much, he just seems out of sorts. I've managed to lose all concept of time, as evidenced by the fact that I walked outside into the bright sunshine today and was completely surprised that it was still cold... until I realized it was only 7 in the morning.

But enough about me. I'm finally posting the review of Band of Brothers which, fittingly, culminated for me on Memorial Day.

Band of Brothers
This is it. I've finished watching all 10 episodes, the documentary, the video diary... about 13 hours of WWII in all. And after it was all said and done, I can't say enough good things about this series. Nothing I can say here will do justice to it. But I'm going to try anyway.

Start by considering the facts: I watched more than a half day of footage and wanted more. I got choked up probably a half dozen times over the last 2 episodes and have no problem admitting it. You end up feeling the entire range of emotion that the soldiers themselves felt. And after 13 hours, it's over way too fast.

There weren't a lot of big name actors in this series, save for Ron Livingston (aka Peter from Office Space) and Donnie Wahlberg (aka Donnie from The New Kids on the Block). With the rest of the cast, you find yourself either not recognizing them, or saying things like "Hey that's the guy from the IBM commercial" or "I know him from.... from... somewhere." David Schwimmer has a role in the first episode and appears twice in the remaining nine. Jimmy Fallon has a tiny cameo role that he, surprisingly, doesn't screw up-- which is about the best you can say about his acting ability.

The entire series is based on the book by Stephen Ambrose (which I now have to read), but each episode was written and directed by different people. So although they all seamlessly tie together, they also all feel unique in their own way. Tom Hanks and Steven Speilberg take producing credits on the movie (Hanks directed one episode, and Hanks' kid even plays a small role in another), so the effects were so lifelike you start ducking out of the way of mortar shells on your couch. Makes me wish I had surround sound in my apartment, although I'm sure my neighbors are glad I don't, since a lot of this was playing at odd hours of the morning.

It follows the men of the 101st Airborne, Easy Company, as they make their way through Europe. It starts with them at boot camp, but moves quickly into the D-Day invasion of Normandy and onto several other major battles in which Easy Company fought. It's easy to forget that these are all true stories involving real people, but as a reminder, each episode begins with documentary interview footage of the surviving men, now in their 80's, as a way of humanizing the carnage. It's an effective way of reminding you that this isn't just another piece of Hollywood garbage. This happened. This was real.

I'd like to get into it more in this review, but like I said earlier, I just wouldn't do it justice. It's moving. It's powerful. It's epic. And if you don't go out and see it right now, we're not friends anymore.
Final score: 10 out of 10.

A Few Breaking News Stories

2005-05-31T09:10:00.000-04:00

A few news stories to hold you over until I post everything I meant to post yesterday.

Article 1 - Evildoers and mistreaters of animals everywhere-- beware. PETA's black ops agents could be lurking in your midst.

Article 2 - Hmm.... so Paris and Paris are getting married. How cute. If there is in fact a wedding, which 2-1 says there won't be, I'd give this what, maybe 7 months? Any takers? Anybody? I'd go so far as to say that the sex tape will be out before the divorce is finalized.

Article 3 - The best thing to come from Canada since Lemieux. I'm speechless.

Memorial Day Movie Marathon - Part III

2005-05-29T22:14:00.000-04:00

Crimson Tide
Tense action movie of nuclear proportions with Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman. Interesting, but (as with most action films) the character logic just doesn't make sense. It all boils down to a clash of ego between the two stars. But it's flawed in that Hackman's actions are baffling. He ignores the common sense that Washington's character, along with the entire audience, grasps with no problem. And he inexplicably plays the race card towards the end-- even though you hear no mention of it before or after.
What makes it worse is that the whole conflict was awkwardly set up in the beginning, with Hackman giving some contrived "I'm a simple man, you're a complicated man" speech so you know he's going to make a stupid move eventually.
One of the supporting roles is Viggo Mortensen, although I had to look it up on IMDB. It had been bugging me for half the movie before I realized it was Aragorn. James Gandolfini plays a nicely detestable character as well.
Ending was pure Hollywood. You knew from the opening credits that Denzel was going to end up saving the universe from Sauron and Mordor and... well, something like that.
Final Score: 4 out of 10.

Rounders
The movie that started the dominos falling for the recent surge in poker's popularity. In other words, Matt Damon is responsible for roughly 40% of the content on ESPN.
The overall 'cool' factor of this movie puts it ahead of most. The lingo, the style, the attitude are all played up well here. And even though it preaches some of the evils and pitfalls of gambling, it mostly makes you want to hit the nearest casino (there's one a few hours from here, now that I think about it...). Damon's good (kind of par for the course for him these days though). Ed Norton is good. Johns Turturro and Malkovich have convincing supporting roles. Plus-- and this is a big plus-- Famke Janssen has a role (Author's note: Ohhhhhhhh). The scenes feel real, even when you know who's coming out on top.
It scores even more points for its rewatchability. It's something I should probably have memorized before the next time I find myself 20 dollars deep into a card table (I've only won a hold 'em tourney once. The pot? A wallet-busting $35). I really can't think of a bad time to watch this movie.
Final Score: 7.5 out of 10.

Memorial Day Movie Marathon - Part II

2005-05-29T12:35:00.000-04:00

Sideways
Most of us have a friend who isn't as skilled at talking to the opposite sex. Every now and again they need a little coaching, some encouragement. They're not bad people-- in fact, usually they're great people. They're just not as socially gifted as others.
Which is what makes Sideways an intriguing movie. Starring Pig Vomit from Howard Stern's movie and The Guy From Wings, it explores the relationship between two very different friends on a week-long bachelor party. It starts off slowly, but picks up steam towards the middle. The first time I tried to watch it, I ended up passing out on the couch. Second time was the charm. It wasn't as much a steady plot outlined movie as it was a character sketch, and for that I think the critics really picked up on it. Both lead parts were played flawlessly, but there wasn't anything where you sit back and say "Wow." I wouldn't recommend this flick to anybody under 30, since the main characters were in their 40's and the recurring themes (divorce, finding yourself in middle age) don't hit home as well with the young folks.
The ending dragged a little and turned out a touch predictable, but Paul Giamatti's character was so oddly likeable that it wouldn't have been right any other way.
Final score: 6 out of 10.